


You're Like a Parachute

by saucyminx



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-23
Updated: 2011-03-23
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:30:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 50,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen lives daily with anxiety and fear and Jared, his new next door neighbor hopes to find a way through that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jared was happy. It was the kind of happy that meant he was going to be calling his mom later to tell her. This kind of happy lasted for days usually and made his sleep sounder and waking up he felt a bit more optimistic about things.

Jared _finally_ had an apartment of his own. It was a great building; a Heritage property right on the ocean, four floors and his apartment was on the top floor. There were two bedrooms, one he was planning to turn into a study. The kitchen was huge. And Chad would no longer steal his milk in the morning when he ran out of his own.

It was going to be paradise.

Turning the key in the lock Jared pushed the door open and sighed happily. He dropped his bag just inside the door and headed over to his favorite part of the apartment. There was a door on the opposite side of the living room and when Jared opened it he was immediately surrounded by a swirl of cool wind and the smell of the ocean.

He knew that he could read and write for hours out on that balcony.

The only drawback was that the balcony was shared; there was a large wooden separator covered in vines. Jared figured it wouldn't be a problem and the landlord had assured him that the two men who lived there had been there for a while and were good tenants.

Jared found it hard to believe that anything could take away from how great it felt to be there.

Turning back inside he left the door open to let the salty smell invade the apartment and headed back down the stairs toward his car. There was a pretty cool elevator in the middle of the huge spiral staircase that had a sliding door and was made out of black wrought iron. Jared just hoped that the integral bits had been replaced when they had upgraded the building.

It took him about an hour to bring his boxes and a few pieces of furniture in from outside then another twenty minutes to get it all stacked into the elevator. The pulleys whined and complained as the car crawled up to his floor but it was considerably better than taking it all up the stairs.

Once the car reached the fourth floor landing, Jared hauled the door open and started to unload the boxes. He rolled his bike out first and leaned it against the wall, unlocked his door and started to slide some boxes in. Leaning down he picked up the two boxes of bedding and clothes and turned to head back inside when he heard the door next to his open. Peering around his boxes Jared took a step back and smiled.

A man appeared from inside the apartment. And Jared had yet another reason to be happy with his new apartment. Even though the guy was kind of pale, maybe a little too thin - his face was gorgeous. There were freckles bursting across his cheeks and his wide eyes were very green even if they did look quite startled.

“Hi! I’m your new neighbor,” Jared said.

That morning as Jensen made eggs Christian had casually mentioned that the vacant apartment to the side of them had finally been rented out. Jensen had known what it was, a warning cleverly described as a random bit of information, like Christian was noting something about the weather. Jensen had frozen with his hand clutched around the spatula and forgotten to breathe for the ten seconds it took for Christian to come up behind him and slide an arm over his shoulders.

Jensen told himself that it would be just _fine_ because he’d been easily avoiding all the other tenants in their building for ages, no reason this shouldn’t be exactly the same. Only now he stood just outside his open door, clutching his backpack and staring at wavy golden hair, a bright dimpled smile and warm eyes. Jensen had to look up slightly to take in all of him and that didn’t happen very often.

There were appropriate greetings, things to say to new people, maybe even a simple _hi_. Jensen opened his mouth thinking maybe _this_ time he could and just, no. What came out was something close to a squeak, painful and pathetic, and he skidded back. The door bumped hard against his shoulder, the knob along his hip, before he spun and quickly shoved it closed, forehead dropping to the cool wood. He was breathless and almost trembling and he dropped his bag to the floor because really? He’d be lucky to get himself out of the apartment for days now.

Jared was still staring at his neighbor’s door when he heard the lock click shut.

“Sorry,” he called out. Okay, he wasn’t entirely sure what he did, hell, maybe he’d just startled the guy. Shaking his head Jared went back to moving his boxes. He glanced over at the door every now and again but there was certainly no movement and he couldn’t hear much.

-=-=-=-

“God, Jensen, I’m sure he’s not a giant.”

Jensen sighed and shook his head, hesitating just inside the apartment. “I swear, he was. If not a giant, something close to it. Definitely a foot taller than you.”

Christian turned to him, head tilted to the side in his _I’m not fuckin’ playing this game_ expression. Jensen swallowed. “Jensen Ross Ackles tomorrow is my only day off this week. So get your ass out here so we can go get a drink.”

Jensen knew what _this_ was. Just like he knew everything about Christian and the way the man acted around him. He was pushing Jensen because if he didn’t it would just get worse. And Christian had certainly seen just how _bad_ that could be. Swallowing once more, Jensen peeked his head out into the hallway then stepped out, sliding to the side so Christian could lock the door. “He was really tall,” he muttered, slumping back against the wall.

“I’m sure he was. And I’m also sure he was really nice because Mrs. Harris is the sweetest landlord in the entire world and she wouldn’t rent to anyone that was mean.” Christian’s tone had softened and his fingers came to curl around Jensen’s elbow, squeezing softly. “What did he say exactly?”

“That’s not really the point,” Jensen whispered, allowing Christian to lead him down the hallway. The only perk to this whole thing, Jensen locking himself in his apartment all day, was the way it kept him from the usual freak out he had whenever Christian dragged him to a bar. He knew the guy was just doing what the therapist had suggested; getting Jensen out in public in small doses, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Christian sighed, opting for the elevator since he’d been at work for nearly ten hours that day. As they headed down, he looked over at Jensen. “What did he say?”

Frowning, Jensen toed at the floor and lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Hi, I’m your new neighbor.”

The snort that left Christian was fond, definitely amused. “Jen, sometimes man, you’re too much.”

Frown deepening, Jensen all but pouted on their way out front. Then Christian hooked an arm over his shoulder and dragged him in close and Jensen half-heartedly smacked his chest. “Just surprised me is all. He was kind of just, _there_ and he was pretty.”

“Oh so now he’s pretty too? Pretty and tall. Oh and friendly? Man, I can see why you were so freaked out,” Christian teased, planting a hard kiss on the side of Jensen’s head.

“You suck,” Jensen muttered but he smiled, feeling just the slightest bit foolish now that he really thought about how he reacted. Maybe he’d apologize for it sometime when Christian was around to fill in the blanks.

As they stepped up to Christian’s jeep a car door slammed and Jensen jumped, his heart skipping a beat, causing Christian to pull him back close even though he’d been releasing him to get in the jeep. Then there was that same cheerful voice and Jensen froze. He hadn’t really meant he’d apologize right _then_.

“Hi again,” Jared called out. Locking his truck he headed over to the Jeep that must belong to his neighbors who were, obviously, a couple. Jared felt a little twinge of jealousy but hell, it was better than living with straight Chad.

“I … I startled you the other day. And weirdly enough. I was just at the store and I got you this-” Jared held out a box of chocolates.

Jensen blinked a few times, looking at the box of chocolates then up at the guy. He wanted to turn to Christian and say, _see, I told you he was a giant_. But the words had shriveled up on his tongue once more and he dropped his gaze.

“Hey,” Christian said easily, dropping his arm and extending it toward their new neighbor instead. “I’m Christian. This is my roomie Jensen. You’re the guy who just moved in?” Christian didn’t offer an excuse for Jensen’s silence and he was mildly relieved for that. It would only make the current flush sliding up his cheeks darken.

Jared shook Christian’s hand. “Yeah, I’m Jared. Your _scary_ neighbor.” Jared laughed and looked back over at Jensen. The man looked a little startled and Jared softened his smile. “I’m really sorry ‘bout that Jensen. Will you forgive me?”

Gaze shooting up, Jensen stared at that bright smile again and his insides churned. Christian’s hand settled on his elbow and squeezed once more and Jensen shot a look toward him before nodding at Jared. “Y-yeah. S’okay,” he mostly whispered and shrugged, looking down at the ground.

“Jensen’s the strong silent type.” Christian laughed softly; patting Jensen’s back then looking back at Jared. “So are you settling in okay? Just you in the apartment yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jared said quickly. “My first place on my own. I love it. It’s a little weird sometimes that it’s so quiet but I guess I’ll get used to it. We have a great view don’t we?” Jared’s eyes flicked away from the rugged looking brunette and back to Jensen.

“Best view imaginable,” Christian agreed, sliding a hand up through his hair. “Best floor too. Not that everyone else is loud but you know.” Christian shrugged and grinned over at Jensen, telling him through a look alone that everything was okay. “Well, let us know if you need anything as you’re getting settled. We’ve been here for a while so we basically know how to do everything. Right Jensen?”

Jensen started at being addressed and he frowned at Christian for a moment before looking at Jared and half smiling. “Uh huh.” It was just as much of a whisper as the words before had been.

“You guys could come over for a beer? Sometime? I mean... you know, if you like.” Jared walked a few steps backwards and waved. “You know where to find me.”

“Sure.” Christian nodded and half waved at Jared then stopped. “Hey, weren’t those chocolates for Jensen? He does _love_ chocolate.”

If Jensen didn’t know better, he would think his best friend was trying to put him in an uncomfortable position. As it was, his gaze settled on Jared and he was fairly certain he managed something close to a real smile.

“God, yeah.” Jared walked forward again quickly and held out the chocolates. “I love chocolate too,” he said softly.

“T-thanks,” Jensen mumbled and reached out, slowly curling his fingers over the box of chocolates then bringing it quickly back to his chest. His eyes locked on Jared’s and his mouth got quite suddenly dry, his heart picked up speed.

“Hope to see you around soon, Jared,” Christian was saying, already pulling his keys from his pocket.

“Okay, soon.” Jared waved and headed toward the front door of the building. They were a sweet couple and it would be great to have friends in the building. Jared figured he’d get over being jealous quick enough. He usually did.

Jensen stood clutching the box of chocolates and watched until Jared disappeared inside the building. He was still getting that dry mouthed, heart racing feeling and he shifted uncertainly in place to try and quell it down.

“I think you lied,” Christian said after a few minutes and Jensen looked sharply up at him, eyes widening. “I’d say he’s more than pretty. But hell, I’m not the gay one, what do I know?”

A weak laugh fell from Jensen but when he looked down at the chocolates his smile grew. Christian was pretty much right, which wasn’t all that unusual.

-=-=-=-

Jared was amazed at the amount of garbage that he could generate while unpacking. The worst part was that he’d moved it all - and was simply pulling it out of boxes. It seemed a little ridiculous.

Shouldering his door open Jared wrestled three full garbage bags out into the hall and down the hall to the garbage room. It had taken him a couple of days to discover the chute. He actually found the whole thing kind of amusing; stuffing the garbage in and listening to it bang and clatter as it fell. He _really_ did need to get out more.

Pulling the door open Jared grunted as he tried to get the bags through the door then heard a kind of squeak. When he lowered the bags slightly he saw a familiar set of green eyes. “Jensen, hi.”

The conversation had turned to Jared quite a few times in the last few days. Jensen wasn’t that surprised because Christian was always the type to gently encourage. He wanted Jensen to make more friends, wanted him to meet a nice guy. Christian wanted what was absolutely best for him and it was probably that alone that kept Jensen from turning and fleeing.

Well, that and the soft, carefree smile on Jared’s face. Like he just couldn’t help it, as if his lips were always turned up. Jensen swallowed a few times then nodded. “Hey,” he breathed, shuffling from foot to foot and dropping his gaze a moment later.

Jared smiled wider and lowered the bags down to the floor. “How are you doing?” Shoving his hair back out of his eyes, Jared sneaked a peek at Jensen while he was looking down. Yeah, he was right, Jensen was gorgeous. And _taken_ , he reminded himself.

“Okay,” Jensen whispered, almost proud of himself for managing another non-stuttered word to Jared. “I... trash.” Jensen held up the bag he was clutching between his fingers, half shrugging. He tried for a smile though, just so Jared knew he wasn’t upset with him or something. Jensen had a habit of accidentally sending the wrong message.

“Yeah, me too.” Jared laughed softly. “Brought a ton of stupid stuff with me.” He shuffled a little to the side so that Jensen wouldn’t feel quite so trapped in the small room. “You wanna put yours down the shoot first? We can see whose makes the best noise?”

Dragging his tongue slowly over his lips, Jensen half shrugged, half smiled, half stepped forward. Jared moved as far to the side as he could and Jensen had to appreciate his effort, the man certainly seemed to get Jensen had a thing about personal space. He took a full step forward and pulled the chute open, lifting the bag and shoving it through.

When it landed it was with an echoing shatter. There were some beer bottles in there, Jensen suspected they were now in a thousand pieces. He dropped the chute door and stepped back, back until his shoulder hit the door frame. But he didn’t move further, allowing Jared to go next.

Jared stuffed the first bag in the chute and it wasn’t all that impressive, more of a dull thud than anything else. The second bag was difficult to get into the smallish opening and Jared had to wrestle with it a bit. The noise wasn’t impressive either. But he had saved the best for last.

The last bag didn’t seem to be all that full but it had a huge broken glass tray in it and Jared knew it was going to make a cool sound. The crash was quite amazing and he beamed at Jensen over his shoulder as he closed the chute door. “What you think? They were both pretty good.” Laughing, Jared turned and smiled warmly at Jensen.

Something fluttered in Jensen’s chest, bright and warm, followed pretty rapidly by the flare of panic that he was so familiar with. “I think,” he breathed and tucked his hands behind him, curling his fingers around the door frame. “You won.”

He had no idea what was in Jared’s bag but it certainly sounded cooler than broken bottles. Not that Jensen was thinking about much more than the way he wanted to step toward that brilliant smile and turn and flee at the same time.

“Glass tray. I saved the best for last.” Jared turned and gestured to the hallway. “You want to come over and have a coffee? I just made a pot - even ground the beans myself.” Jensen looked like he was torn between bolting and stepping closer and Jared felt a little twinge in his chest. “You okay?”

Slowly Jensen shook his head from side to side then up and down. Jared moved forward - likely to the door - and Jensen skidded back, knocking his shoulder against the frame and stumbling backwards. “I- I gotta- Chris will-” Jensen exhaled shakily and rubbed his shoulder, taking another step back down the hallway. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean - I Know you guys are together. Just as friends...” Jared hung back, letting Jensen put space between them because that sure seemed to be what he wanted to do. “ _I’m_ sorry, Jensen.” The look of fear on Jensen’s face broke Jared’s heart and he actually took a step back almost like it was a physical blow.

The word _together_ had Jensen stopping, his brows pulling together. He wasn’t sure he wanted Jared to know he was gay, after all, people who knew he was gay... it just didn’t go over well. “We’re not.” Jensen mumbled, arms folding over his chest. “Chris, he’s-” Jensen frowned, fingers digging into his arm. Jared hadn’t sounded creeped out at the idea of them together, so maybe Jensen _did_ want him to know he was gay. “Christian’s straight,” he whispered, half stepping back again.

Jared followed Jensen slowly, catching the door and holding it open. “I didn’t mean to imply... hey? Can we start over?” Jared tried his smile again, but he could already see that whatever moment of calm they had shared was gone.

“I- I...” Jensen’s chest was starting to feel tight from the combination of _wanting_ to stay and talk to Jared and _knowing_ he couldn’t. He just wasn’t strong enough and Christian wasn’t home yet and the news said there was supposed to be a storm. Jensen _hated_ storms. “I’m really sorry,” he half gasped the words and spun on his heels, just barely resisting the urge to run until the door knob of his apartment was beneath his palm and he was disappearing inside.

As fast as Jared could move he wasn’t fast enough to catch another glimpse of Jensen before he disappeared back inside his apartment. For the second time in a week Jared found himself standing in the hallway wondering what he’d done. He sighed, gaze lingering on the door for a few more moments and then went inside his apartment.

-=-=-=-

It wasn’t very often that Jensen went grocery shopping alone. Hell, it wasn’t very often he went shopping at all, with Christian or anyone else. But his best friend had a crazy late schedule this week and they were out of milk. And eggs. And bread. Jensen _really_ hated grocery stores but he needed to eat so there wasn’t much of a choice.

Jensen shopped as quick as he could, getting as much as he possibly could in as short of a time as possible. They lived two blocks from the store and Jensen walked because driving freaked him out. Not that walking was much better. But the way his chest tightened painfully under the stress of being behind the wheel was far too much for him to handle.

There were four bags tucked in his arms, causing them to ache by the time he got to their building. It was a precarious thing as he stepped into the elevator, holding his breath as he rode up to the fourth floor. His arms were aching, sore, and Jensen scrunched his face up in frustration.

It wasn’t until he stepped up to his door that he realized his keys were in his pocket. Jensen stared at his door for a long minute, weighing the pros and cons of setting down his bags and coming back. He struggled a moment longer then twisted around, working his arm down and balancing the bags against the door.

Just as his fingers dipped into the top of his pockets the bags slipped, crashing down to the ground and exploding across the hallway. Jensen froze, fingers just barely brushing the top of his key chain. It was silly but tears pricked along his eyes, something tight curled across his chest. Leaning heavily forward he slumped against the door and dropped his forehead onto the wood, trying to breathe through the sharp panic rising up in him.

He really disliked nights where Christian worked late.

The sound from the hallway made Jared lean over and turn his stereo down. He listened intently for a few moments then headed to his door to pull it open. There were groceries scattered along the hall and a rather frazzled looking _Jensen_ picking them up.

“Hey, let me help,” Jared said softly. Without waiting for an answer he crouched down and grabbed one of the bags and started putting stuff back in.

“My key was in my pocket.” Jensen said the words in a rush, soft and quick tumbling from his lips. “I hate grocery shopping and I just wanted to go inside and Christian’s working late all week he usually does these things and I-” Jensen cut off abruptly, lips pursing together as he realized what he must sound like, how he must look, how he was just rambling to Jared who already had to think he was a lunatic.

“I hate grocery shopping too. I always try to carry too much because I don’t want to make more than one trip to the car.” Jared picked up some green grapes, popped one off the stalk and tossed it in his mouth. “Tax,” he said and smiled.

Jensen looked completely frazzled, Jared was pretty sure his cheeks were tear-stained but he just looked back down and kept picking up groceries.

Biting down on his lip, Jensen nodded even though Jared wasn’t looking at him. He spun in the next moment, quickly unlocking the door and pushing his way inside. The two bags he still managed to be clutching shifted in his arms until he could gratefully set them on the counter top.

It took real force to turn and walk back across the apartment, hesitating before crossing the threshold out into the hall. “Thanks,” he said softly and grabbed the other bag, tossing the rest of the other stuff inside.

“No problem,” Jared said quietly. The bag he was holding was full and he stood slowly then held it out toward Jensen. “Anytime you want to share some grapes, come over?”

“You keep, asking.” Jensen frowned, scratching along his temple once then stepping forward, taking the bag from Jared. He wet his lips as he stepped back, eyes skittering along the familiar sandy light carpeting. “Why?”

"Well, one day you might say yes? What if I missed that day just because I didn't ask again?" Jared smiled slightly and reached out his hand. "Could I have one more grape?" He locked his gaze on Jensen's eyes in case the man looked up. Jared had never met anyone quite as terrified of the world as Jensen seemed to be.

Why Jensen’s breath caught he didn’t know. His gaze lifted and he found himself staring into the light honey glow of Jared’s eyes. The words curled up and died on his tongue, his heart fluttered and he slowly nodded, almost too afraid to move. It wasn’t really that Jared was freaking him out - which he was, but just barely - it was something more and Jensen didn’t know what to do with that.

Smile warming, Jared reached into the bag under Jensen's chin and picked off another grape. "Thanks, Jensen. You have a good night, okay?" Popping the grape into his mouth Jared stepped back inside his apartment and closed the door quietly.

For just a moment Jensen was completely rooted to that spot, listening to the door closing and the low murmur of noise coming from Jared’s apartment a moment later. Then he swallowed thickly and turned, hurrying inside his own apartment and bumping the door closed with his elbow. Jensen wanted to write off the way he was feeling to the usual pile of shit that was his past, but he had a feeling it was something a little bit more than that.

-=-=-=-

The coffee mug that Jared’s hands were wrapped around was lovely and warm. He’d thought about reading, decided against it. He considered watching TV but there wasn’t usually much on in the early evening. He ended up simply sitting in the one comfy chair he’d bought at the local second hand store and staring out the balcony door. Of course he had shifted a little closer when he’d heard voices; most people would.

At first he thought about stepping outside to say _hello_ , he was sure he recognized the gravelly tone of Christian’s voice but it was Jensen’s voice that stilled him.

“It’s important Jensen,” Christian murmured, not yet pushing but getting there. He _always_ got there.

Jensen’s shoulders tensed and his fingers curled around the edge of the balcony railing. He drifted forward, leaning almost dangerously far over the ledge. “I can’t Christian.”

The sigh that followed was long and drawn out, Jensen didn’t have to look back to know he was dragging a hand through his hair. “Tell me why you can’t. What’s stopping you?”

“The- Christian. There’s so many people. Everyone will expect me to make some kind of speech or something. I’ll be up front, all those eyes on me.” Jensen shuddered and pushed up onto his toes, wishing for a moment that he could simply launch off the balcony and dive into the ocean.

“Jensen, it’s your sister’s engagement party. Your baby sister. Little tiny Mack, all grown up and getting married. Do you really want to miss that?”

“It’s just the engagement. I- I’ll do the wedding, I mean, I’ll go. I will. I just need some time. Just a little time Christian. I can’t go there and see them. See all my family, all those people. They all know how broken I am and-”

“Hey, hey Jen, come on.” Christian crossed to him and pulled him back from the railing. “Take a deep breath, before you freak out.”

Jared leaned forward and set his mug on the floor so he could lean a little closer to the door. Part of him felt a little guilty - but Christian had to know that his voice carried and... well, it was Jensen. The gorgeous green eyes and the mystery all tangled up behind them.

“She’s gonna hate me either way,” Jensen sighed and stepped out of Christian’s touch. It wasn’t that it wasn’t reassuring, because it was, but it was harder to ignore the guilt if he was feeling comforted too.

“God, Jen, she’ll never hate you. You know that. Why would you think she will?” Christian didn’t reach out for him again, probably because he knew Jensen’s actions better than his own.

“Because, if I go- God. Christian, if I go something will happen. I’ll freak out and take off and leave her hanging. It’s better if she just, you know, if she just has Josh there. You go. You go in my place; you’ve always been a better brother to her anyway.” Jensen slumped back against the railing, panting softly. This was too much. Why did important people in his life have to keep having big get togethers that Jensen couldn’t handle?

“I think you’ll regret not going Jensen. Think about it. Seriously. I’m gonna go shower, I’m leaving at seven. So, if you change your mind.”

Jensen watched the man turn and head inside, his heart slamming hard into his chest just _thinking_ about going to a room full of people. He sighed heavily, digging a hand up through his hair and wishing he wasn’t like this. Like he usually did.

-=-=-=-

Jared leaped out onto the balcony and sang along with the stereo. "Just take those old records off the shelf. Just sit and listen to 'em by yourself. Today's music ain't got the same sound. Just like that 'ol time rock and roll." The stereo was probably too loud but it was Friday night and he'd had a couple of beers and sadly, nowhere to go.

Leaning over the balcony Jared hummed along to the music and then took another sip of beer. "Hello Ocean. How are you tonight?" Jared laughed at himself and then held up his beer to the horizon.

It was the singing more than anything that drew Jensen’s attention away from the book he’d been reading. He’d slowly tucked the bookmark in place and set the book to the side, standing and crossing to the open patio door. He liked to leave it open when the weather was nice, liked hearing the crashing of waves on the sand, and now he was hearing his golden haired, sun bright smile, neighbor singing pretty off key but clearly full of passion.

Jensen stepped out on the balcony, fingers fluttering up to cover the hint of a smile on his lips as he listened to Jared talking to the ocean. He didn’t really think of Jared as the type of guy who stayed in on a Friday night, imagined he had a million friends and admirers, and Jensen took a few more slow steps toward the vine covered separator in the middle of the large balcony.

Jared did a little twirl and then laughed again. The sea air made him feel a little giddy for some reason. Moving there was probably the best thing he’d done. “You and me ocean, we’re in this together,” he said as he plunked himself down onto a deck chair. “Not a very talkative friend though.” Jared sighed and looked around as he sipped from his beer.

Swallowing thickly, Jensen came to a stop right at the corner of his balcony. He could see through the vines and wooden planks, one eye closing to get a better view of the man on the other side. He was slouched on a chair, baggy jeans pooled around his feet, deep red t-shirt hanging loose across his chest. Jensen’s breath hitched and he rested his palm on the wood, dragging his teeth over his lower lip.

Jared thought he heard something in the lull between waves and he looked over at the planks that separated his balcony from his neighbors. "Hello?" He was sure he heard an intake of breath and leaned his head back so he could get a better look. "Jensen? Is that you?"

Half gasping, Jensen stepped back, dropping his hand and catching his lip under his teeth. He took another step back and scrubbed his nails back through his hair. He should turn and go back inside, but he was beginning to understand that what he _should_ do generally wasn’t what he ended up doing when his gorgeous, incredibly tall neighbor was involved.

"Don't go if you're there," Jared said softly. "You don't have to say anything." Smiling, Jared kicked his bare feet up onto the balcony railing and got comfortable. "How about if there's someone over there, they just make a scratching sound for yes." Grinning he leaned over to the wall to listen.

Jensen laid three fingers over his lips, blinking slowly as he considered Jared’s request. It was weird to think about Jared trying to talk to him without actually talking. People didn’t do that kind of thing very often. Or ever. Stepping forward again Jensen slowly lifted his hand and scratched across the wood, wondering if it was loud enough to be heard.

“Cool,” Jared said. “The way I see it, sometimes things are hard to say out loud but maybe you don’t have to say them. Does that make sense?” Jared leaned closer again.

Was it something like, one scratch for yes, two scratches for no? Jensen’s lips twitched in brief smile. Jared’s logic did make a certain amount of sense so he dragged his nail over the wood, shuffling a little bit closer.

Jared's lips curled up and he wrinkled his nose as he smiled. "Maybe you think I might be okay as a friend. I think maybe you like me a little. You think maybe you just need to get to know me better?"

Looking out at the ocean, Jensen considered Jared’s words, not sure if he could handle the idea of Jared being right. He sighed softly, audibly, and let his forehead drop against the wood. Another moment passed then he let his finger drag down across the wood.

“Okay.” Jared’s smile widened a little and he scooted his chair closer to the divider so he could rest his head against it. “Are you scared sometimes?”

Jensen made a noise somewhere close to a snort of disbelief, talk about an understatement. He shifted from one foot to the other than scratched, holding his breath to see what Jared would ask next.

“Are grapes your favorite fruit?” Jared lifted his hand and pressed it against the vine. It was kind of nice to finally be learning something about Jensen, even if it was possibly the strangest way he’d ever spoken to someone.

That half smile twitched on Jensen’s lips again for just a moment before he scratched the wood twice. He wondered if they were Jared’s favorite, judging from the way he was eating them eagerly before, Jensen would guess so.

“I really like grapes. But my favorite is coconut. I mean the kind that you need a hammer and chisel to get into and when it cracks open finally you have to be really careful so that you save the juice. It’s real sweet. Did you know coconuts were fruit?” Jared hooked his fingers through the small holes in the divider.

Just the faintest sound of a laugh slipped from Jensen and he slowly shook his head, finding himself completely thrown by Jared’s questions. He scratched along the wood twice, stepping a little closer under the vines were brushing along his chest.

"If it ever gets to be okay for you to come over? Maybe, you think we could share a coconut?" Jared smiled and took a big mouthful of beer.

There was that flutter again, making his heart flip and twist in a way Jensen wasn’t used too. Even his next breath felt a little shallow and he hesitated there, unsure he could bring himself to give any form of an answer. Then his nail was moving over the wood like he couldn’t help it, like he wanted to reassure Jared that he was worth all this effort even if he didn’t think he was.

“I have a stuffed dog,” Jared said in whisper. “His name is Badger.” He waited and could swear that he heard the small sound of a stifled laugh. “My mama gave him to me when I was a kid and I just kept him. Kept putting him into boxes when I moved and then it was like all these years later and I couldn’t part with him. He still sits on my night stand.” Jared sighed. “Do you think that’s weird?”

That flutter intensified and Jensen felt his smile grow. Was it too weird to call another man adorable? Jensen was pretty sure Jared was something close to that. He dragged his nail across the wood once, paused for just a moment, then repeated the action, hoping maybe Jared would get that he was teasing, trying to play along.

Jared laughed softly. “You did that deliberately. Do you have something like that from your childhood? Something special that you look at sometimes just to remind you of who you are?” Leaning his head against the divider again, Jared squinted slightly to see if he could see something. He could see freckles, a high cheekbone, and was pretty sure there was a half-smile hidden behind the vines.

If Jensen could get the words out, he knew exactly what he’d say. He wanted too; he wanted Jared to know what he was thinking. His mouth opened and closed slowly, the words bubbling up. “I don’t know who I am,” he whispered, pushing back from the wooden surface. This was crazy. What was he thinking? It wasn’t like he could really make a friendship with Jared, the man was just nice, just putting up with him, Jensen couldn’t put himself out there.

Turning, Jensen bumped into the deck chair, causing it to skid across the cement floor. He stumbled and straightened, forcing his way through the tight clench in his chest until he was inside and shutting the door, slumping back against it with a defeat sigh, his eyes falling closed.

“Night Jensen,” Jared said softly. Dragging his fingers down the divider Jared sank back into the chair.

-=-=-=-

Cleaning the kitchen was methodical. Jensen could scrub along the counters with a clean rag in slow circles and lose himself in the familiarity. It was boring work, sure, but part of his deal with Christian was that he’d keep things clean, cook some meals, and be the best roommate he could be considering the circumstances.

Halfway through unloading the dishwasher there was a knock at the door. Jensen froze with a plate lifted, his body tensing. This didn’t happen often, someone coming to the door, but every now and then he had to handle it. One time, a year or so ago, Christian had been expecting a package full of work documents. Jensen hadn’t answered when there was a knock at the door - it had been raining and he was tucked under the blankets - and Christian had been as close to furious as he ever got with Jensen.

It hadn’t been pleasant.

So Jensen gently set the plate on the counter and stepped back, turning to slowly cross through the kitchen and down the hall to the front door. He knew the person on the other side would only wait so long and he wished - not for the first time - that there was a peep hole he could look through, just to prepare himself.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen slowly turned the lock and pulled the door open, peeking out into the hall. There was no one there. Frowning, he pulled the door open a little wider, worried that he’d missed whoever was there to deliver something. Jensen stuck his head out and peered down the hallway. The elevator didn’t seem to be in motion and Jensen’s frown deepened, taking a half step out into the hall.

His foot bumped into something and his eyes turned down. There was a stuffed dog sitting there, furry hair sticking up in some places, matted in others. Jensen blinked a few times then slowly bent down, picking the dog up and straightening. There was a note tied around his neck, the writing unfamiliar, just slightly messy.

 _Jensen, be my friend for a little while and one day, when you think you'd rather have a bigger friend - take me back to Jared. Love, Badger._

That almost now familiar flutter in his chest, race of his heart, hitch of his breath spun through him and Jensen swallowed the nervous flutter down. His fingers slowly curled in the fur and he brought the stuffed dog close to his chest. When he inhaled it smelled warm, a hint of something - like maybe the cologne Jared wore that suggested he often picked the dog up and held him close.

Jensen back stepped into his apartment, still holding the dog close as he knocked the door shut with his elbow. He felt just a little guilty, taking Jared’s stuffed animal, but he couldn’t escape that warm flush crawling through at the sentiment behind the action. So he headed back to the kitchen, hooking the dog under one arm as he carefully dried the counter.

“You can keep me company while I finish cleaning,” Jensen murmured softly, stroking the top of the dog’s head before gently placing him on the counter surface.

Jensen went back to unloading the dishwasher, but his eyes kept drifting over to the dog on the counter watching him. It was likely the first time he ever _smiled_ while cleaning the kitchen.

-=-=-=-

Jensen managed to keep the dog secret for about three days. It helped that Christian’s work schedule was getting so insane Jensen only saw him for a few hours a day. Normally the time Christian spent away would have bothered him but Jensen had... Badger. Who he kind of read to aloud, and talked to as he cleaned and cooked, and sat out on the balcony with half hoping Jared would come bursting out singing another classic hit.

Christian caught him on the third day because he came home earlier than Jensen was expecting. They - meaning Jensen and the stuffed dog, Badger - were sitting on the couch. Jensen was reading silently but his fingers were stroking through the soft fur absently, his mind so lost in the book he was reading, he didn’t hear the door open.

“What the hell is that?” Christian asked, startling Jensen and causing him to jump. Christian laughed softly, shaking his head. “Sorry. But- what _is_ that?”

Jensen blinked up at him a few times then slowly looked over at Badger. “It’s a dog.”

“No shit Sherlock. You know that’s not what I meant.” Christian rolled his eyes and dropped down onto the arm chair, groaning as he kicked off his boots. “I’ve never seen it before.”

“It has a name,” Jensen mumbled, unsettled by the strange defensive prickle rushing through him. When Christian just continued to stare at him Jensen huffed and tucked his bookmark into place. “Badger. That’s his name.”

“Badger,” Christian repeated incredulously, his eyebrows rising. “Jensen? Tell me why I shouldn’t be concerned.”

Jensen rolled his eyes and let his book fall closed, arm tucking around Badger’s side. “It’s Jared’s. He... his mom gave it to him, when he was younger. It’s like, you know, a comfort object or something.”

Christian’s eyes were wide and Jensen didn’t have to guess why he looked so shocked. After all, it was kind of a lot to absorb, the idea that Jensen had been speaking to Jared enough to _know_ these things. Christian’s shoulders were tense; his voice quiet and low when he spoke. “Jared gave you his _comfort object_?”

“Well, it just, you know.” Jensen exhaled shakily then launched into the story, telling Christian all about hearing Jared singing, “talking” on the balcony, the dog that had showed up at his door step the next day. He didn’t tell Christian about the way he’d latched onto the animal, the man already looked about ready to blow. “Christian? Your face is redder than a Target sign.”

“God, Jensen, what the fuck are you doing?” Christian sighed heavily and tore a hand angrily back through his hair. “You don’t- fuck, you don’t even _know_ that guy. He could be anyone. And I seem to recall, the last time you spoke about him you called him a _giant_.”

“But he’s nice,” Jensen protested quietly, squirming uncomfortably on the couch. He didn’t like when Christian called him on things, especially the Jared subject apparently. “He- we both put our trash down the chutes, and he made it a game. Like out on the balcony. I don’t think, I mean, it seems like; I think he really does want to be my friend. He gave me Badger to borrow.”

“So, what? You can make friends with some random guy that freaked the shit out of you before but you can’t go to your own sister’s engagement party?” Christian snapped, shaking his head roughly from side to side. “Fucking double standards man. And this Jared guy? Who says he’s not gonna end up doing the very thing that makes you terrified to talk to anyone else? Who says he’s even in to you like that?”

“Like...” Jensen frowned, squeezing Badger a little harder. “Like what? I don’t- I wasn’t thinking that way. I just wanted to... he’s been really nice, that’s all. He thought you and I were together and he didn’t seem freaked out or anything.” Jensen could swear Jared was a nice guy, Christian just didn’t know him all that well yet.

Christian sighed and slowly stood, walking over to drop down beside Jensen on the couch. “Jen, it’s okay to make friends, I fully support that. But I’m worried. The way you talk about him, and this stupid dog thing, I just think maybe you’re getting in over your head. You have to be careful, you normally are.”

Jensen’s shoulders slumped, his heart sinking. “I don’t think I’m getting in over my head. Just, getting to know someone, kind of. It’s not like he’s stalking me or something.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Christian muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes hard enough Jensen could practically _feel_ it. “I think you should stop seeing him Jensen. In any way. Give the dog back and just, stop. He’s - you don’t even know him. _I_ don’t know him. Maybe some time when I’m around we can talk to him, but only when I’m there okay?”

It wasn’t the first time Christian advised him on who he should or shouldn’t be friends with. However, it _was_ the first time Jensen questioned his best friend’s judgment. Christian didn’t know Jared; he didn’t realize how amazing the guy was. It was a weird feeling to want to go against his best friend’s usual infallible advice. “You just don’t know him Christian. Maybe, you know, sometime soon we can have him over? When you’re here and stuff, so you can talk to him too?”

“As long as you promise not to talk to him without me around. I don’t want you getting hurt Jensen, so, please.”

As Christian’s hand came to settle on his arm Jensen couldn’t help feeling annoyed. He wanted to talk to Jared, he wanted to watch him smile, hear him laugh. And he couldn’t possibly imagine Jared ever hurting him, no matter what Christian seemed to think. So even as he nodded, he hatched a plan. He’d show Christian, prove to him Jared wasn’t the asshole Christian was automatically assuming he was.

Sure, Christian would be pissed when he found out, but he’d forgive Jensen. _That_ was something he was sure about.


	2. Chapter 2

This was stupid.

 _Jensen_ was stupid. He felt even more embarrassed than he did walking through the market carrying a stuffed dog and there wasn’t even anyone to see him at the moment. It was just, he spent a full day thinking about Christian’s request and the more he did, the more annoyed he got. Christian was always pushing him, always insisting he get out and _meet people_. Then, when he finally did, the man denied him the right to hang out with the guy.

Talk about double fucking standard.

So here Jensen was, standing in front of Jared’s door clutching a stuff dog and a coconut, and his chest was curling with tight, white hot panic. Why did he knock? He shouldn’t have. He should turn right _now_ and make a break for it. Only then the lock was clicking and before Jensen could move the door was beginning to open.

This was such a stupid idea.

“Jensen,” Jared said softly. “I-” Jared laughed when he saw the dog and the coconut. “Badger and fruit. And Jensen,” he added when he looked up at Jensen’s slightly pale face. The man looked like he was ready to flee so Jared pushed his door open. “Do you want to come inside for a little while?”

It felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the room and Jensen swallowed, licked his lips, and swallowed again. He could do this. Jared wasn’t all the things Christian said he was, Jensen honestly, truly believed that. So he slowly nodded and stepped slightly to the side, giving plenty of space between Jared and himself as he stepped inside.

The first thing Jensen noticed as he stepped inside was the bed in the middle of the living room. There was a large TV across from it, a playstation hooked up to it, the floor littered with CD’s and DVD’s. Otherwise it was basically bare and Jensen wasn’t really sure what to think.

“Your bed,” he breathed, because it was the main thing he had a question about and he turned to Jared, eyes slightly wide.

“Yeah.” Jared ran a hand through his hair and grinned. “I like the sound of the waves and I can leave the door open at night … helps me fall asleep.” He shrugged and turned back toward the door. “You want me to leave this open a little? You know - so you can get out quick if you want to? Not that - I’m gonna do anything or... God.” Jared scratched the side of his nose and shrugged again. “I have iced tea?”

“I brought a coconut.” Jensen held up the hard shelled item, even though Jared had clearly already noticed it. “I mean, you said, just.” Jensen shrugged and clutched Badger a little tighter. “I like iced tea,” he finally said, shifting from foot to foot as he tried to find something comfortable about this whole thing, going against Christian’s request and all.

"Should we bust it open? Hey, does it have a face?" Jared pushed the door closed and stepped closer to Jensen slowly. He peered around the coconut. "It does - you got a great one. You see it?" Reaching out Jared pointed to the small eyes on the top.

Jared smiled as Jensen’s gaze followed his finger to the eyes on the coconut. He was still staring when Jensen looked up and caught him. _God_ he was gorgeous.

“You’re odd,” Jensen whispered, but it sounded a little breathless, like Jared being as close as he was completely threw off his equilibrium. Jensen stared up at him, blinking a few times. “I took really good care of Badger. I- I - he was,” Jensen sighed and shrugged, the words failing him once more.

Hesitating a few seconds, Jared lifted his hand slowly and stroked it over Badger’s head. “Looks like he was loved. Did he help? He always helps me.” Standing that close to Jensen was hard because, for some crazy reason, Jared just wanted to wrap the man up in his arms, protect him and try to chase away whatever the hell it was out in the world that had scared him so badly.

Slowly nodding, Jensen continued to stare up at Jared, unable to tear his gaze away. The man was kind of, mesmerizing. “He did,” he breathed and clutched Badger tighter again, as if he didn’t want to give him up just yet. “I read to him,” he whispered and shifted a little closer to Jared, frowning and shifting back a moment later. What was it about the man that pulled him in so easily?

"My mama used to read to me. Before I insisted I could read myself. _Then_ I would pretend to sleep when they checked on me and then use a flashlight to read under the covers.” Jared held out his hand for the coconut. “Can I get us the milk to share? It’s really sweet.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded slowly, giving Jared just the slightest smile. He’d never tried coconut milk before, just like he’d never done something like _this_. Randomly showing up at Jared’s door, going against Christian. It was almost like a spark of rebellion or something, like Jensen wanted to prove that he could do this.

Jared took the coconut and headed over to the kitchen. “You can keep Badger for a while. And yes, that might be a little selfish because I’m hoping that way I’ll get to see you more often.” Jared lifted his gaze to smile quickly and then hunted around in the drawers until he found a cork screw.

Lining the corkscrew up with one of the eyes, Jared hit the end of it with a mallet then did the same with the other eye. “Can you slide that glass over here?” Jared nodded toward the tumbler that was at the end of the counter.

Jensen walked to the edge of the counter and sat Badger along the smooth surface before grasping the glass and walking it over to Jared. He would have tried sliding it but knowing his luck it would fall off the edge and shatter into a million pieces and Jared would be upset. “How often do you get coconuts?” He asked quietly, leaning against the counter and watching Jared’s long, thin fingers curl over the hard shell.

"This is the first one I've had since I was a little kid I think. But I remember this part." Jared poured the opaque liquid into the glass and waited until it had emptied. "There. You can try it first if you like." Smiling, Jared set about breaking the coconut open so that he could chip off some of the white lining to put on a small plate.

He watched Jensen out of the corner of his eye; watching the man hesitate slightly and then sniff the sweet coconut milk.

It didn’t taste at all like Jensen thought it would. His mind had previously been supplying the idea of something sharp, tart, like pineapple or something. But this was smooth, subtly sweet, and surprisingly cool. He couldn’t imagine drinking it in massive quantities but for the most part he liked it.

“S’good,” he breathed and set the cup down, sliding it over to Jared. He eyed the slices of white fruit, chasing the taste of the milk over his tongue. “You think about your past a lot,” he noted, finger tips tapping along the counter.

“Sometimes, yeah. It’s been quiet here since I moved in. I used to live with this crazy friend of mine, Chad? Nuts that guy. Here - well, it’s quiet. I miss my family sometimes.”   
Jared shrugged and picked up a piece of coconut. Jensen looked almost like he’d forgotten to be nervous for a few moments and it warmed Jared’s heart a little. “What about you? You see your family much?”

“Sometimes. They don’t...” Jensen trailed off, gesturing vaguely as if that could finish his sentence. His family didn’t get him, didn’t know why Jensen was the way he was. It wasn’t something he held against them but when you were stuck in the middle of an all-star brother and a perfect princess baby sister, it was easy to fall through the cracks. “Why’d you move? From Chad?” Jensen waited another beat then reached out, snagging a piece of the fruit off the plate.

“Wanted a place to call my own,” Jared said softly. “Sometimes, I like being alone. Sometimes, I don’t. When you have a roommate you don’t really have a choice though, right?”

Jared laughed and stepped back from the counter. “And he always drank the last of the milk and nothing annoys me more than having a nice tasty bowl of cereal ready _then_ finding no milk in the fridge.”

“Does your girlfriend come over a lot?” Jensen had never seen or heard a girl but he figured with how good looking Jared was, the guy had to be seeing someone. Of course, Jensen was starting to think a lot of the ideas he had about Jared were misconceptions.

“Oh- I don’t have-” Jared ran his hand through his hair nervously then smiled crookedly. “Listen, I’m gay, Jensen. I mean - I hope that doesn’t screw things up here but I just wanna put that out there.” Jared stuffed his hands in his pockets and studied Jensen’s expression trying to judge if the new information might be something that would send Jensen flying out of the apartment.

“Oh.” Jensen hadn’t really expected that. Maybe some part of him had _hoped_ but he couldn’t really address why, it made everything feel all tight and sharp in him. He hadn’t “come out” to anyone in a long time, but he wanted this, wanted the friendship, wanted... whatever. “I- me- me- okay.” Jensen laughed, nervous and shaky, and shook his head.

Jared let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, I’m gonna take that as you’re okay with it. Wanna come sit on my balcony? Got real comfy chairs out there.” He took a few tentative steps toward the open door. “Bring the coconut.” Taking a chance that Jensen would follow, Jared turned and headed outside, taking a deep breath of fresh air.

For a few moments Jensen just stood there, halfway tempted to call Jared back and just blurt out the truth. Shaking his head, Jensen grabbed the plate and glass and turned to head across the room to the balcony. Jared had already taken a seat in one of the chairs so Jensen set the items on the table and slowly sat in the other, looking out at the ocean and breathing in the familiar salty air.

“It’s why I took this place,” Jared said quietly. “The sound of the ocean, the smell, it’s beautiful. That’s why I dragged my bed out there. Really? Who says that beds have to be in a certain room? What do you think?” Turning his head slowly, Jared studied Jensen’s profile as the man stared out over the balcony railing.

“Guess they don’t.” Jensen shrugged, his lips twitching in an amused smile. “So do, do you have an um, boyfriend? Or partner? I mean, you know.” Jensen honestly hadn’t interacted with a lot of gay people. He’d tried a support group once at Christian’s encouragement and all it taught him was how it wasn’t any easier to talk to someone gay like himself.

“No boyfriend.” Jared shook his head slowly. “Had a boyfriend a while back but, well, it didn’t work out the way I thought things would. What about you?” Jared smiled and reached out to pick up a piece of coconut.

“I know you’re not with Christian - I just assumed - I mean. That day I met you in the parking lot he was- he had his arm around you.” Jared’s heart beat a little faster. Jensen was becoming more _real_ by the moment. Not just the skittish neighbor anymore.

“Yeah, he’s...” Jensen half smiled and shrugged, finally looking from the ocean over to Jared. “He’s my best friend. Has been my whole life, so we’re close. But I, you know, like I said. He’s straight.” Jensen’s lips pursed and he dropped his gaze, picking at the denim stretched over his knee. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” he whispered and it was the closest he could get to actually saying he was gay.

Jared let a little bit of pleasure warm him at the thought that there might actually be a chance for something more than friendship between him and Jensen. He wasn't sure what it was about the man sitting next to him that was so intriguing - but what Jared _did_ know was that he felt oddly calm next to Jensen. "Tell me something about you, something little."

“Something little,” Jensen repeated, folding his hands together slowly. “I like to read.” It seemed simple enough; a minor little detail about his life, but Jensen could feel the importance of it. Like he was finally saying, _okay, I’m going to do this_. It was both thrilling and terrifying to consider the prospect of getting to know Jared. “My favorite, I like, classics. I like Tolkien. Don’t laugh, but, I like Jane Eyre a lot. But I don’t like how people keep writing classics and putting horror themes in them. Like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Jane Slayre. It annoys me.” Jensen snapped his mouth shut. His face felt a little heated as he got passionate about the subject.

"I love Jane Eyre. It's so sad though ... depressing. I like Wuthering Heights too. I read that the first time when I was a teenager and it freaked me out. Just the idea of thinking that I might never find that kind of love, you know?" Jared looked over at the blush on Jensen's cheeks. "Of course you don't know, that makes me sound crazy." Jared stretched his legs out and put his feet up on the railing.

“I know.” Jensen breathed, turning his gaze to the ocean. He was pretty sure he felt something similar, but Jensen had read Wuthering Heights in high school and he didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about that part of his life - except when he slept and couldn’t escape it.

Shaking his head to clear the thoughts, Jensen slid his arms across his chest, soft sigh leaving his lips. “How old are you?” He asked, trying to show Jared that he was _trying_.

“Twenty-five, you?” Jared’s cheeks were aching from smiling. He turned a little and shifted in his chair so that he could look at Jensen.

“Twenty-six.” Jensen could feel Jared’s eyes on him and he stared out at the ocean for a long moment before turning to meet his gaze. He had gorgeous eyes, a soft brown, the kind that seemed to change colors at the most random times. “It’s cool, the um, you having your own place. At your age, you know? Not cheap really. You- do you work?” Jensen twisted in the chair, shifting back until he could pull his legs up on the edge and wrap his arms around them.

"Yeah, I work for a publishing company. Did good in school. I work with new writers; do initial edits of manuscripts with them. Write a little myself. What do you do?" Jared picked up the plate of coconut and held it up to Jensen.

“I don’t.” Jensen sighed, shaking his head and reaching out for a piece of coconut. “I, have money and...” Shrugging, Jensen rested his chin on his knee, looking out at the ocean once more. “Publish anyone famous? Anyone I’d know?”

“Nah, I’m still working on my first contracts. If you’d like though I could bring you a couple of my favorite manuscripts. You could give me your opinion?” Jared reached out and squeezed Jensen’s arm. It was something he never thought twice about with his other friends, he liked to touch people. Most of the time, it didn’t occur to him that he was even doing it. This time, it was the way Jensen seemed to stiffen immediately that made Jared realize what he’d done.

Jensen’s throat was getting tight, his eyes widening as they locked slowly on the large, wide hand. Jared made him feel so small, like he could just climb into the man’s lap and hide away there. Heat stained his cheeks, Jensen’s breath hitched. “Okay,” he whispered, wondering what message it said to Jared that he didn’t pull away, even if he was holding himself firmly in place.

Nodding slowly, Jared relaxed slightly. "That's great. I'll bring some home for you next week." After rubbing Jensen's shoulder gently, Jared withdrew his hand and looked back out over the railing. "You wanna walk somewhere? Get a coffee? Go find treasure on the beach?"

“No!” Jensen said sharply, legs dropping as he fumbled up. At once his heart was sky rocketing. Jared wouldn’t know how to fix him, wouldn’t know why Jensen couldn’t breathe when the crowd grew too thick. Jensen sucked in a gasping breath, struggling to get himself under control. _Fuck_ he didn’t want to lose it in front of Jared, didn’t want to let the guy know what a mess he was.

So he jumped up, turning and fumbling around the table. It was likely everything catching up to him, pushing himself too far, or maybe he was just so eager to be appealing in Jared’s eyes that he had to escape before something could change that.

Jared twisted so quickly that he fell down on one knee and by the time he righted himself Jensen was untangling from the table and chair. "Jensen, it's okay, wait..." Jared reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers down Jensen's cheek. The man was vibrating; it looked like he was panicking and something clenched tight across Jared's chest. "It's okay. No outside, but please stay. At least let me help you..."

The touch was soft, surprising Jensen enough to make him forget about moving away. He stared up at Jared, blinking a few times, still panting softly. “S-sorry,” he whispered, gaze locked on Jared and he couldn’t break away. Maybe some part of him really did feel soothed, as if Jared was actually helping him by the one touch alone. Jensen thought it likely had more to do with surprise though.

“It’s okay. Nothing to apologize for. What can I do to help?” Jared hesitated a moment and then brushed his hand lightly up Jensen’s arm. When the man didn’t move away, Jared squeezed his arm slightly and smiled.

“I- I’m okay,” Jensen breathed, the shake in his chest slowly easing the longer he stood there. Christian could reassure him with a touch, a look, there were years of work and build up behind that. This though, it _was_ comforting him, and he barely knew Jared at all. “Not, so good. With people.” Jensen shrugged.

“Okay,” Jared said again. “Just us then, yeah? We’ll stay here and when you want to go, anytime you want to go back home you just go. That sound okay?” Jared’s smile softened and he slid his hand up over Jensen’s shoulder, thumb brushing along his jaw.

Jensen’s breath hitched once more but for an entirely different reason. It had been a long time since he’d crushed on someone. He wasn’t foolish enough with that sort of thing, who would want to date someone like him anyway? And now he understood Christian’s warning a whole lot better. “Okay,” he whispered, still staring up at Jared and that warm smile and those beautiful eyes that looked almost green now.

“Good,” Jared said softly. He blew out a breath, not realizing that he’d felt quite as tense about the situation until Jensen was starting to relax a little. “Good,” he said again. “I should... does it bother you when I touch you? I never asked.” Jared’s thumb was still gliding along Jensen’s jaw, back and forth slowly.

“Not- not for,” Jensen sighed and rubbed his brow, finding himself more frustrated at his shortcomings. He wanted to be able to talk normally to Jared, if anything to keep him interested long enough for _something_ to happen. “Doesn’t,” he finally murmured, still afraid to move at all.

Jared frowned slightly and then smiled again. Jensen's eyes were wide, the green sparkling in the fading day light. His cheeks were flushed, lips glistening and Jared could feel heat slithering up his spine. "You're, uh..." Ducking down slightly, Jared brushed his lips across Jensen's.

There was one moment - one _glorious_ moment - when Jensen tilted up into the kiss, allowing Jared to capture his surprised gasp. Then reality caught up to him, slapped him hard in the face with the flash of angry faces, the echo of brutal words. “I-” Jensen jerked back, stumbling and hitting the door frame. “I can’t. You don’t want this- you- I’m not worth. Sorry. Sorry, I’ve gotta go.” Jensen turned and rushed inside, pausing just long enough to snatch Badger from the counter. If anything, he’d at least have to see Jared once more if he took the dog, even if Jared hated him now.

"Jensen - I'm sorry!" Jared was stunned for a few moments, too long. When he finally stepped back into the apartment Jensen was heading toward the door. "I'm sorry - it was stupid. I was just caught up - and -" The door snicked shut behind Jensen and Jared swore softly under his breath.

He heard Jensen's door open after the sound of keys jangling. By the time Jared forced himself into action the hallway was silent. He padded over to Jensen's door and sighed, then let his forehead fall against it. Palm flat on the warm wood Jared didn't knock. For some reason he thought Jensen might be listening.

"Jensen? I'm really sorry. That was a stupid thing for me to do." Jared closed his eyes.

 _Silence_.

"Just don't - just - don't think that I was trying- _God_. You were just gorgeous in the sun, and I felt like you needed to be... fuck I don't know - like somehow I could _care_ the right way." Jared sighed again and heard nothing from the other side of the door.

"Okay. I'm gonna just leave you be now. For a while. I'm glad you have Badger; you can keep him if you want to. I'm sorry, Jen." Jared's fingers curled into his palm and he pressed his fist against the door gently.

“What the fuck did you do?” Christian asked, quiet and annoyed, eyes rolling when Jared started in surprise. “Fuckin’ Jensen, he came to you didn’t he?”

"I kissed him," Jared answered without thinking then grimaced. "We were having a great visit and- look - I'm just apologizing. Can you tell him I'm sorry?" Jared was trying not to be intimidated but Christian was quit a force to be reckoned with even if he was a few inches shorter. The sharp glare and clenched jaw were more than enough of a warning for Jared.

“You kissed him.” Christian repeated and groaned, carding a hand back through his hair. Christian looked at the door to his apartment for a moment then back at Jared. “C’mon, we need to talk.” He headed past Jared and to the open door of his apartment, inviting himself inside.

“Oh.” Jared shrugged and followed Christian back inside. “Listen, if you’re gonna beat the shit out of me or something; I think it’s safe to say I learned my lesson.” Jared closed the door behind him and followed Christian down the hall.

“This isn’t about you.” Christian stopped short in the living room, blinking at the bed there then turning to Jared. “There’s a bed in your living room.”

“It’s not... I like the ocean okay?” Jared headed into the kitchen. “You want a beer?” He hoped it might make the situation a little less tense, although he didn’t have high hopes.

“Sure,” Christian muttered, still staring at the bed for a beat before he turned and followed Jared to the kitchen. “Look, there’s stuff you need to know about Jensen. He’s not good with new people, or most people. I’m sure you put it together that he’s, a little different.”

“We were doing okay. I just … look, Christian. I know I screwed up. I shouldn’t have - I forgot for just a fraction of a second that he wasn’t okay.” Jared held out a beer to the other man and then took a few swallows of his own.

“Okay, one more time Jared, this _isn’t_ about you.” Christian gratefully took the beer and twisted off the top, taking a long swig. After he’d wiped his mouth with the back of his hand he cleared his throat and continued. “Jensen likes you, he wants to... I don’t know, do something. He hasn’t mentioned it. But he’s been hurt, pretty damn bad, and every time he tries to do anything that seems normal to us, it’s a challenge. Which is probably why he took off when you kissed him. Well that and no one’s ever kissed him before.”

Jared’s beer bottle lowered slowly. “No one’s ever...” He shook his head and leaned back hard against the kitchen counter. “What happened to him?” Jared cleared his throat and slid a hand back through his hair.

“Life, I guess.” Christian shrugged, smiling sadly down at the beer in his hand. “You know, he wasn’t always this way. I can remember how happy he was, carefree, funniest kid I knew. He had this idea though, that everyone would just always like him for those things. Then halfway through High School he came out and things just got, bad. Really bad. He used to get egg’d walking home from school, fuck it got so bad his parents had to pick him up and drop him off which as you can imagine didn’t make him that much more popular. I guess it just never really got better for him until he closed it all off.”

“Closed it all off? You mean - like stayin’ inside and stuff?” Jared wasn’t sure that he was following the progression from high school bullying to the fear that he had seen painted across Jensen’s features earlier in the day.

Christian blew out a slow breath, setting his beer down and shifting, straightening up. “You like him, don’t you? I mean, you want to, what? Date him or something?”

Jared looked up at Christian for a few moments and then nodded. "I can't explain it, he's just sweet and there's somethin' about him. I feel like I can talk to him, be myself around him. Yeah, I mean, he probably thinks I'm shit right now..."

“I doubt it.” Christian shook his head, huffing with the rise and fall of his shoulders then grabbing his beer again. “Fine, look, Jensen was doing a little bit better after high school. We were in college; I thought things were going good. He was quieter, shy, but I thought... I stopped watching him as closely, I thought he was fine. He’d joined this support group, one of those GSA’s or whatever. Then just, this one night, _fuck_ it was raining, he was leaving this meeting, these guys were waiting for him, or whoever they could catch I guess. You get where I’m going here?”

Eyes widening slowly, Jared's jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth. The thought of someone hurting Jensen made his stomach twist into a knot of pain. He had to clear his throat to get words out. "Did- was he hurt bad?"

Somehow, Jared found himself thankful that he'd been raised in a small town. He'd never encountered anything like that hatred other people had. In fact, it had never touched him personally until that very moment. A lot of things were starting to make sense.

Christian nodded slowly, running his finger tip along the top of the beer bottle. “Spent over a month in the hospital. Broken arm, five broken ribs, his face was... it was bad. Really bad. And Jensen just couldn’t come back from that. Like something snapped in his mind or something. He tried to fight it, went to school and ended up having a panic attack in class. Then it was just everywhere, he couldn’t handle any large gathering, could barely handle anything at all.”

“I want to talk to him,” Jared said firmly. Setting his beer down on the counter he tilted his head. “Now, I need to talk to him.” Jared couldn’t stand the idea that Jensen might be sitting in the neighboring apartment thinking that things had gone wrong because of how he’d felt.

“I don’t know Jared,” Christian sighed, rubbing along the back of his neck. “He’s so- god I’ve seen him break down so many times. I can’t stand the idea of him being hurt. And you? He likes you, maybe wants to be with you, and that’s probably scaring the shit out of him. What if you do something? You get what a risk it is?”

“Whadya mean do something? I’m not gonna hurt him. I just want him to know - I need him to know that we’re okay. Jesus, Christian - I barely know you guys, I get that. But I felt good with Jensen this afternoon. He was here - we sat out there...” Jared waved his hand at the balcony. “He talked to me a little and it was me that screwed things up. I need to tell him that. You can stand there and _supervise_ if you want.”

A low sound, not unlike a growl, crawled through Christian and he stepped forward, tilting his head up toward the man. “This isn’t my choice in the end, it’s Jensen’s and I’m gonna let him make it. But I swear to fuckin’ God I will kick your ass so hard if you hurt him. Got it?”

“Probably not as hard as I would do it to myself. We done with all the testosterone now? I’d like to talk to him.” Jared folded his arms and leaned back against the counter again.

Christian stepped back and grunted. “Yeah, you’re hilarious. Look just let him set the pace or, you know, you’ll learn his signs. I mean, if you spend more time with him.” He shook his head and grabbed the beer on the counter, carrying it with him out of the apartment.

“Okay,” Jared said quietly. He took a deep breath and picked up his keys so he could follow Christian back out into the hall. “Do I wait out here?”

“Nah, come inside. It’s familiar ground for him, might make things easier.” Christian tested the knob, shaking his head once more as he found it locked and had to reach into his pocket to pull out a set of keys.

The front room was empty and Jensen’s door was closed so Christian looked back at Jared for a moment before inclining his head toward the door. “Just knock, ask if you can come in.”

Jared nodded and suddenly found himself feeling a little nervous. After quickly running his hands through his hair he headed over to Jensen’s door and knocked lightly. “Jen? It’s Jared. Can I come in?”

Jensen looked up at his bedroom door with wide eyes; surprised to hear Jared’s voice so close to him. The door had been locked - Jensen _always_ locked it - which meant Christian let him in. Which meant they’d talked. Jensen frowned, wondering if Christian was going to be mad at him.

Then Jensen realized that _Jared_ wanted into his room and his heart fluttered in his chest. “Y-yeah,” he called, shifting back on the bed, tucking his legs under him.

Taking another deep breath, Jared turned the knob and pushed the door open. Jensen’s room was exceptionally tidy, but somehow that didn’t surprise Jared. A huge bookshelf covered one wall almost completely and there was a small wooden dressed. Jensen was sitting almost as far back on the bed as he could.

“Hi,” Jared said softly. He looked around for a few more moments and closed the door behind him. “Can I talk to you?”

“Okay,” Jensen whispered and drew Badger across his lap, holding him tight. He watched Jared looking slowly around, shifting in place, and slid a hand up into his hair. “You wanna sit?” He realized after he said it that the only place _to_ sit was the bed, but he didn’t want Jared to feel uncomfortable.

Jensen looked like he was trying to make himself as small as possible, which was quite a feat. Jared smiled and walked over, sitting down on the edge of the bed and leaving Jensen plenty of room. It went against every instinct Jared had. What he wanted to do was fold Jensen into his arms and - somehow - assure him that everything was going to be okay. He just wasn't sure if it was.

"I'm sorry I kissed you. Okay, wait. I'm not sorry because I really wanted to and it was nice." Jared's smile softened momentarily as he remembered how smooth Jensen's lips were, how soft in that few moments of surrender he'd felt. “I’m not sorry I kissed you, but I should have waited and been more thoughtful. I just wanted you to know that I’m okay, it’s okay.” Jared sighed, frustrated.

“Are _we_ okay?” Jared finally asked.

Jensen’s brows drew together in confusion for a moment. Then he wet his lips, half laughing. “There’s a we?” He asked quietly, idly stroking his fingers through Badger’s fur.

Jared winced. "I keep screwing this up. I mean - are you okay with me? Us? God, Jensen, I want there to be an us. I know that's completely crazy. And Christian -well, God he's probably gonna kill me. He said he'd kill me. Friends? Can we at least be friends? I want there to be more one day - but you - it's up to you." Jared blew out a breath and locked his gaze with Jensen's. "I don't even know your last name, Jensen. And I know - I just wanna spend time with you."

The flutter in his chest was back in full force and Jensen tilted his head to the side, staring at Jared curiously. He didn’t understand why he was still here, why he was even bothering with Jensen. “Ackles,” he said quietly, smiling slightly when Jared looked up at him. “My last name is Ackles. I’m not- you know, I’m not sorry, about the kiss. Either.” Jensen wet his lips slowly, looking down at the bed between them. “Okay, we can, do what you said.”

“Be friends?” Jared pulled his leg up on the bed so he could gaze over at Jensen. The man’s hair was tousled and his cheeks ruddy; but no matter what, Jensen was still one of the most gorgeous men Jared had ever met. It was more than that though. There was something in his eyes … something that made Jared think that there was much more to Jensen than most people ever knew. “And the _maybe more_ part?”

Meeting Jared’s gaze, Jensen slowly nodded. “Yeah, that,” he whispered, looking away after a moment. “Can’t believe Christian let you in.” Jensen was still wrapping his mind around that. His usually ultra-protective best friend must had decided Jared seemed okay enough to let him come inside - and into Jensen’s _room_ even, with the door closed. Somehow it made that heart flutter intensify.

Offering up a crooked grin, Jared slid his hand a little closer to Jensen. "Guess I persuaded him that I'm a good guy," he teased. "You want me to go now? Give you some time to... what do you do when you get upset?"

Jared had never experienced anything quite like what Jensen was going through - what Jensen _had_ been through. It felt like he had a lot to learn.

“Sit. Think. Shake a bit.” Jensen gave just the slightest laugh to that and shrugged. “You just, deal. When things like this happen. Did- Christian, did he tell you?” Jensen wouldn’t put it past his friend; after all, Jared wasn’t the first person who had been scared off from trying to create a friendship with Jensen. None of them usually came back though.

“Christian told me enough. He didn’t tell me any details. When you’re ready, you can tell me. If you’re never ready - so be it.” Jared smiled and held out his hand. “I touch, a lot. Is that bad? Will - should I be careful?” He let the back of his hand rest on the bed.

Jensen stared at Jared’s hand for a long moment before slowly reaching out, laying his fingers over Jared’s. “I liked it,” he whispered, shifting just a little closer to Jared.

Jensen's fingers felt good, smooth and warm and Jared closed his eyes for a few moments then turned his hand so their fingers could twine together. "You know that I’ll never - I mean, I won't hurt you, alright?" Jared opened his eyes again, lifting his chin so he could meet Jensen's gaze.

Frowning slightly, Jensen stared down at their hands for a long few minutes, considering Jared’s question. “I’ll try to believe it,” Jensen said quietly, squeezing Jared’s hand. “I have troubles, you know, with trusting... it’s just hard.” Jensen shrugged, shifting a little closer until their knees almost touched.

Jared simply nodded, then lifted their hands to rest them on his thigh. "You took Badger," he said softly. As soon as he said it his lips twitched as he tried to fight his smile.

“Wanted a reason to see you again.” Jensen bit down on his lip, very distinctly aware of the heat from Jared’s thigh soaking through his skin. “You said I could.”

“It was cute,” Jared said quickly. “I’m sure he’s quite happy here. And besides, it gives me a reason to come and visit. Another reason.” Leaning back on the bed a little, Jared rubbed his thumb over the back of Jensen’s hand. “You have a lot of books, you must read a lot.”

“Yeah, all the time.” Jensen nodded, looking over at his bookshelf then slowly back at Jared. “Do you... want to stay for dinner? I’m making stuffed burgers.” Heat crawled up the back of his neck and Jensen looked down, staring at their hands once more.

“Yeah? Yeah, I’d love to. Christian won’t hurt me will he?” Jared winked and leaned a little closer before pulling back quickly. “It’s really hard, not to…” He blew out a breath and ran his free hand through his hair.

Jensen could feel his breath hitch and he blinked a few times, half shrugging one shoulder. “You, could. If you wanted. I won’t- this time I mean, I won’t run away. Just didn’t think before, that you’d like me or why you’d like me. I’m a freak.” Jensen looked back up at Jared, smiling wryly. “No denying that.”

"Jensen. You're not a freak. You're just ... you." Jared's expression softened and he swayed a little closer to Jensen. "You're kind of amazing, you know." Jared could feel a puff of Jensen's breath on his neck and he tilted his head slightly, nose just barely brushing Jensen's cheek.

“Not amazing,” Jensen whispered, the words just barely audible over the race of his heart. He closed his eyes because it could become too much. Because _god_ he wanted something like this, whatever it was going to be. He let his free hand fall toward Jared; his fingers coming to rest on the warm cotton of the man’s shirt. “Probably not gonna be very good,” he warned, tilting toward the heat of Jared’s breath on his skin.

Jared's heart was thudding hard in his chest and he was sure that Jensen must be able to feel it. Everything was narrowed down to Jensen; the warmth of him, the gentle press of his hot palm against Jared's chest, the sigh of breath against Jared's skin. It was the slightest turn that brought Jared's lips to the corner of Jensen's mouth.

He could feel Jensen trembling slightly and slid his arm behind the man until he could press his palm to Jensen's back. "Okay?"

“Okay,” Jensen whispered, feeling a bit like everything inside him was going to explode all at once. How could he make Jared understand that he’d never felt anything like this? That he was terrified of anything happening but terrified of it _not_? Jensen found himself once more wishing he had even a little experience, because he was sure Jared was going to be amazing at everything and Jensen was just this painfully shy, almost recluse. “Feels kinda like, sparks,” he laughed nervously.

"Does," Jared murmured. Sweeping his lips across Jensen's he smiled against the man's mouth. "You're shaking," he whispered. Jensen smelled good, sweet and a little like fresh air and Jared breathed deeply a few times. Jensen's fingers were still twined through his, his grip tightening.

“Uh huh,” Jensen breathed, the rise and fall of his chest increasing as his heart picked up speed. He was used to his body shaking in various situations, though he had to admit it didn’t usually come with something so warm. “Jared?” His nose bumped against Jared’s and his fingers curled in the man’s shirt. “Never really done this before.” Jensen figured Jared had the right to know that much at least.

“S’okay.” Jared’s fingers moved up the back of Jensen’s shirt until they were brushing over bare skin at the nape of Jensen’s neck. Jensen’s hair was a soft as it looked, curling gently around Jared’s fingers. “Don’t mind,” Jared whispered before pressing forward slightly.

It was hard to hold back, keep himself from wrapping his arms around Jensen and pulling him close. But Jared wanted this and Jensen was worth the slowest pace in the world. If he never felt more than the fiery heat that was tearing through him during those gentle kisses it would be perfect.

“You make me feel dizzy,” Jensen whispered and tilted up, letting his lips move across Jared’s. The man’s were so soft, coconut sweet, and Jensen had imagined this moment for so long - his first kiss, god and with someone like Jared. Pressing up and forward, Jensen let his lips settle flush over Jared’s, just to feel the heat of the man.

Jared's mouth puffed open in a gasp. It was the first time Jensen has moved _toward_ him and those sparks that Jensen had talked about went skittering straight down Jared's back. His fingers spread and slid up instantly into Jensen's hair, tightening enough to guide the man's head to the side so he could deepen the kiss. He felt Jensen shudder, then his lips parted and Jared couldn't help moaning.

The sound of Jared’s moan sent a shudder of pleasure down his spine and Jensen’s lips parted in response to the man’s. There was a half gasp somewhere in the slide of their lips but Jensen was far too lost in the way his entire body seemed to be vibrating. His hand on Jared’s chest slowly slid down, curling around Jared’s side. Then Jared’s tongue was brushing over his bottom lip and Jensen moaned, surprised, pressing just a bit closer because this heat was kind of intoxicating.

Jensen made the sweetest sound and the way his body arched toward Jared's nearly made him lose his mind. Giving in to the need to be closer, Jared untangled his fingers from Jensen's and slid both arms around his body. His fingers caught on the bottom of Jensen's shirt, brushing over the scorching flesh beneath.

Another moan passed from Jared's lips to Jensen's and they shifted closer, drawn to each other somehow.

Jensen could imagine _so much_ happening. Hell, he wasn’t an idiot; he knew damn well what two men could do together. The idea was both intoxicating and terrifying and as their tongues slid together Jensen almost whimpered. He pulled back from the kiss, sucking in a sharp breath and letting his forehead rest against Jared’s. “Jesus,” he whispered the feel of Jared’s fingers nearly burning into his skin.

“Sorry,” Jared whispered then quickly said, “no I’m not.” He laughed, sliding one hand up into Jensen’s hair again. “You’re... you’re very good at that.”

“ _You_ are very good at that,” Jensen insisted quietly, free hand coming up to rest over Jared’s neck. It was weird, the way he didn’t want to put any distance between them, like Jared was suddenly this lifeline he had to cling to.

“Gets better, you know.” Jared couldn’t help smiling at the way Jensen’s fingers were smoothing across his skin. Now that his cheeks were covered in a deep flush, Jensen’s freckles stood out even more and Jared pulled back so he could trace them with his fingertip; connecting the dots. “I love your freckles,” he said softly.

“Y-yeah?” Jensen’s breath hitched again and he chuckled nervously, eyes darting up to meet Jared’s then sliding away just as quickly. “I thi-”

“Jensen?” Christian’s voice called through the door, following a few sharp raps on the wood. “We gonna eat soon?”

Jensen started back, dropping his hands and looking wide eyed at the door. He’d kind of forgotten about the real world existing outside this moment here with Jared. “Uh, yeah. I’ll be out to cook for us in a minute.” Jensen bit down on his lip, looking back over at Jared and shrugging. “You’ll still stay yeah?”

“Wouldn’t miss it. Good lookin’, sweet _and_ you can cook? God. You really are the perfect man.” Jared laughed and threw his head back letting a little bit of his nerves go. His entire body was still tingling and he was more than a little aroused. He’d never thought a single kiss would do that to him.

Jensen laughed softly and shook his head. “You’re crazy.” No part of him could believe what Jared was saying about him but he’d settle with hearing that laugh.

Standing, Jensen winced as he shifted against his tight jeans. “I- you kinda-” Jensen rolled his eyes at himself and turned to Jared. “Wanna help me cook?”

Raising his eyebrows Jared laughed again then stood, slipping an arm over Jensen’s shoulder. “I would love to Mr. Ackles. You think Christian is gonna keep an eye on me?” Still grinning he pulled Jensen toward the door.

“Knowing Christian? Yes.” Jensen nodded and leaned slightly into Jared, turning his head down to rest over his shoulder for just a moment before he pulled the door open. Christian was standing just outside and his brows rose as he looked at them. “Jared’s gonna stay for dinner and help me cook, that okay?”

“Uh, sure,” Christian muttered, clearly still surprised as he looked between them. “So, you’re both all good then? You worked whatever out?”

Smiling brightly, Jared nodded and slipped past Christian with Jensen still tucked under his arm. “We’re good,” he said.

Jensen smiled at Christian and nodded as well, turning to see him as they passed. He knew his best friend was worrying - would probably hound him for details later - but he was still riding the pleasant wave of Jared holding him close as they walked into the kitchen. It was safe to say he really enjoyed the way it felt like Jared was taking care of him, looking after him, and believing that he was more than just this broken shell of a man.

When they stepped into the kitchen he turned just enough to brush his lips along Jared’s jaw before he stepped away and headed for the fridge. He gathered a couple of peppers then turned back to Jared, offering them up. “You chop. And, I just, so you know. I think I’m gonna like um... getting to know you.”

“Good.” Jared’s hands slid over Jensen’s as he took the peppers. It was a little like being a high school kid again, a little giddy. Turning to the counter he spotted a cutting board next to some knives and set himself up. “What are we making again?”

“Stuffed burgers. Basically hamburgers with the peppers, onions, and pieces of cheese mixed in the meat.” Jensen returned to the fridge, mainly to keep himself from staring at Jared like he wanted too.

“Jensen likes to make up meals,” Christian explained as he came back into the room and took a stool. “So, Jared, you work for a living?”

“Why yes, Christian I do. I work for Black and Wisdom Publishing. It’s a very small publishing company; we work a lot with first time authors. I kind of walk them through the process, and I scout out for other prospects. You?” Jared winked at Jensen.

“I work for a local processing plant.” Christian shrugged, looking past Jared to Jensen. “Jen? Beer?”

“Mmhmm,” Jensen hummed softly and reached into the fridge almost automatically to get a beer for Christian. “Jared? Want one?” He reached across the counter to offer Christian the beer then slid to Jared’s side, hesitating just a moment before his fingers came to rest on the man’s arm.

“Thanks,” Jared said. Flipping some pepper into the bowl Jensen had put on the counter; Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen’s cheek. Putting the knife down he turned to lean against the counter and took the beer. “Where’d you guys meet?”

Jensen stayed quiet as Christian hummed, a soft smile on his lips. He could imagine more nights like this, more perfect little moments, maybe enough to make Jensen truly believe that world didn’t usually suck.

“God, we were, what Jensen? Four or five?” Christian asked and Jensen nodded. “Yeah, something like that. Anyway. believe it or not, he saved my ass in the playground. My parents had, have, this thing about long hair. Even then my hair was long; Jensen was the only one to stick up for me.”

“Haven’t been able to get rid of him since,” Jensen muttered but he smiled, carefully and precisely slicing through the onion.

“Kinda like family,” Jared said. He took a swig of beer, eyes drifting down Jensen’s body; the man had a great ass too. Jared hadn’t actually noticed before. When he looked up Christian was giving him a rather dark expression and Jared smiled innocently.

“You out?” Christian asked, the question rather flat and tense.

“Chris!” Jensen nearly squeaked as he spun to stare at the man. “Jesus, you can’t ask that. It’s- you can’t. It’s personal.”

“Just a question. Jared doesn’t have to answer.” Christian shrugged, giving Jensen a sharp look.

“Yeah.” Jared answered Christian’s question but looked up to meet Jensen’s gaze. “I am. It’s hard sometimes, but I think it’s important. I don’t want to worry about being who I am. Just wanna be myself.”

“That-” Jensen pulled in a shaky breath, staring at Jared in something close to awe. He knew how much strength it took to be that way. _Hell_ , he’d clearly suffered the negative side of it. “That’s really brave,” he breathed, and crossed to Jared, touching his arm softly.

“It is,” Christian agreed quietly and Jensen thought there was a note of amazement, like Christian was impressed by Jared. “What kind of music you like?” He asked and Jensen looked up, smiling softly. That was kind of Christian’s way of saying he accepted Jared.

Jared’s hand covered Jensen’s and he smiled. “I like good old rock ‘n roll, little bit of country. Long as it’s good, better if it’s live.” Jared grinned at Jensen and winked again. “What else can I do, Jen? You’re doing all the work.”

Jensen smiled and dropped his gaze, shaking his head. “Wanna get messy?” His gaze snapped up when Christian snorted. “I- I didn’t mean- just. Oh forget it.” Jensen turned to head back to the opposite counter where he’d set the bowl of hamburger meat.

“I’ll get messy,” Jared answered. He stepped up behind Jensen and slid his arms under the other man’s. “What are we doing?”

Heat curled thick through Jensen and he leaned back against Jared, relieved with how easy it was to simply relax into him. “Gonna show you how to stuff the burgers,” he breathed and scooped out a clump of meat. “Bout this size, create a bowl like shape, sprinkle in some peppers, onions, and cheese, then roll together.” He gathered up the ingredients as he spoke, balling the meat back up and placing it in Jared’s hand. “Then flatten like a burger between your palms.” He was nearly whispering the words but he couldn’t help it.

Resting his chin on Jensen's shoulder, Jared squeezed the ball of meat and laughed softly. "Gross. Okay, so like this..." He did exactly as Jensen had showed him then put it on the plate. "Next, hit me up. Team work." Tipping his head to the side he kissed Jensen's cheek and held out his hand for another ball of meat.

A shiver ran down Jensen’s back but he forced his attention onto the meat, slowly adding the ingredients just to keep Jared against his back longer. His head tilted to the side, eyes fluttering closed for a moment at the warmth of Jared’s breath on his skin. “The cheese melts in the burger, it’s really good,” he whispered, setting another ball of meat on Jared’s palm.

"Where'd you learn how to cook?" Jared patted another burger flat and put it on the plate. It was the most relaxed he'd seen Jensen since they'd met and Jared was enjoying it. As quiet as Jensen still was, he had a smile on his face and a healthy glow on his cheeks. Jared didn't mind thinking maybe he was partly responsible for that.

“Took some classes at University. Thought I might go into it, back before.” Jensen half shrugged, sorting through the peppers once more. “I like to try different things now, just to see what I can do,” he murmured and set the third ball of meat in Jared’s hand. He heard Christian cough softly and wondered what the man thought about this. Knowing him, he was probably using all his self-control to give Jensen the chance to control things.

“Hey. Have you seen those classes you can do online? You could do stuff like that from here. You got a computer? I learned some Photoshop stuff that way - was kind of cool actually.” Jared made another burger patty and kissed Jensen’s cheek. “One kiss for each burger a fair price?” He whispered against Jensen’s ear and smiled when the man shivered slightly.

“Sounds fair to me,” Jensen murmured and turned slightly, letting his lips brush Jared’s. “Could- maybe- if I were um, interested? In the online thing? Could you help?” He’d thought about it before, even Christian had suggested it, but he’d never taken the risk before. Maybe with Jared by his side though, he could.

“‘Course I will. I’d be glad to.” Jared flattened another burger and put it on the plate. “We got lots of time to do stuff, together I mean, right?” It felt like a beginning to Jared and he hoped it felt that way to Jensen.

Jensen bit his lip around a smile and nodded, resting back against Jared for a moment. “Yeah, lots of time.”

“Alright Romeos, can we get this food thing on the road?” Christian nearly growled, causing Jensen to start slightly in surprise then laugh.

“Yes sir,” Jensen muttered as Jared pulled away. Maybe, he thought, things were finally going to be good for a while now.


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen had never had a boyfriend before. Not that he could actually call Jared his boyfriend. At least, he was pretty sure the man wasn’t. They were still in the getting to know each other phase. All Jensen did know was that he liked Jared, a lot, and the man made him feel all warm when he was around.

What Jensen was sure of, was that Jared had the ability to keep him calm and before then Jensen had thought only Christian was capable of that. Jared never asked him to do more than what he knew Jensen could do, which meant they spent a lot of time indoors or on the balcony. There was one time, when they walked a bit in front of the building on the beach in the soft orange glow of dusk but Jensen hadn’t been able to handle much before they went back inside.

Christian liked Jared, even if he was apprehensive at times. They had spent hours talking about the subject; Christian asked the same question in different forms. Was Jensen okay with this? Did he understand that Jared had _romantic_ interests in mind? Would Jensen be able to stop Jared if things got out of hand?

That last one stumped him.

Of course, he didn’t think Jared would push things. Sometimes they kissed and it was amazing, full of sparks and heat and all those things that made Jensen’s mind spin. But as soon as it got too intense, or Jared’s fingers slid up under his shirt, Jensen would break away and Jared would withdraw his fingers, touch his back above his shirt instead. So Jensen didn’t think that Jared would rush him and Jensen told Christian that. Mostly he thought his best friend believed him.

At least it was enough to convince Christian to go out. There was a girl at his work that he’d apparently been flirting with for months but he’d never taken the next step. Jensen had heard his friend speak about her on several occasions and finally Jensen told him to ask her out, had insisted he’d just spend the evening with Jared, that it would be fine.

It wasn’t until after Christian had left - looking nicer than Jensen had seen him look in a long time - that Jensen realized Jared wasn’t home. He hadn’t thought about telling him beforehand that Christian was going out, he’d just assumed that Jared would be home. Jensen had stood in front of the man’s door for a long few minutes, not sure what to do, before slowly walking back to his own place.

The first hour or so it was fine. Jensen settled in on the couch, Badger tucked against his side as he read. He was lost in the book - one of the manuscripts Jared had brought from his work - and hadn’t noticed the change in the light until a roll of thunder shook the balcony doors.

Jensen immediately stiffened, his eyes widening as he slowly looked out the glass doors. The skies were dark and threatening, a flash of lightning dancing between the clouds. The rain was only moments behind, falling in a sudden intense gush that splattered loud against the balcony doors. Jensen’s breath stuck in his chest, a shudder working across his shoulders.

Thunder storms and Jensen didn’t mix well. With a flash of lightning he saw the hard set jaw of a man who haunted his nightmares. A roll of thunder and the memory of a fist connecting to his face. Jensen scrambled off the couch, his breath quick and sharp as his vision blurred.

Christian. He needed Christian.

The phone was in Jensen’s hands before he realized he couldn’t call. What kind of friend was he? This was the first date Christian had been on in more than a year; Jensen would be a total asshole if he ruined that for his friend.

The next crash of thunder seemed to shake the entire building and Jensen stumbled back, his entire body shaking, his arms flaring out to the side. He felt something smooth and cool slide over his skin, heard the shatter of glass on the floor, and his vision blurred and darkened to the point he couldn’t help stepping forward.

At the sharp prick on his skin Jensen hissed and dropped down, curling in on himself and pressing hands over his ears, anything to try and make the rolling thunder and echoing jeers from his memory go away.

-=-=-=-

Jared was yanking his tie loose as he got off the elevator and trying to wipe the rain off his face while still holding his lap top case and all the _crap_ he’d had to bring home to work on. It wasn’t going to be a great weekend.

A crash from Jensen’s apartment had his head whipping towards the door of his neighbor’s. He was pretty sure they were both home, Jensen hadn’t mentioned anything about Christian going out but then Jared was arriving home from working far later than usual.

He unlocked his door and dropped off all his work stuff then headed across to Jensen and Christian’s door to knock. Usually he knocked and walked in because Jensen was expecting him but when he tried the door knob it was locked. “Jen? Chris?” Jared banged harder on the door.

Jensen didn’t know where the extra bangs were coming from, not for a while. Then he vaguely registered the call of his name. There was blood on the floor, on his foot, and Jensen blinked at the glass until the power flickered and went out.

He rode the shudder of panic through his body and stumbled up, calling out in pain as something crunched under his foot. He didn’t even remember fumbling down the hall until he was at the door. _Jared_. Not Christian. Jensen wasn’t sure he wanted the man to know how bad it could get but he kept knocking so he turned the lock and pulled the door open a crack.

“Jensen? It’s just me.” Jared pushed at the door slightly. “You okay? What’s going on?” Jared’s heart was pounding and he felt a little silly for worrying. He wasn’t even sure what had got him going. Something just _felt_ off; and then Jensen’s eyes were wide, peering at him through the small opening in the door.

“C-Christian’s out. The storm, it’s- I don’t-” Jensen clutched the edge of the door hard when another rumble roar of thunder sounded overhead and the entire sky was lit with a flash. He was panting, trying to keep himself from falling apart even more in front of Jared. This would be too much; Jared would think he was crazy. “I broke a glass.”

Jared's gaze flickered over Jensen's fingers and he did a double take when he saw blood. "Jensen, you're bleeding," Jared said firmly. "Let me in."

“It- I need Christian. He went, he’s at dinner. And I just wanted to be nice, but you weren’t home and the storm and I...” Jensen trailed off, swaying forward until the door was nearly closed. “I think my foot’s cut.”

“Jensen. I’m not leaving until you let me in. I wanna have a look at your hand, _and_ your foot. We can call Christian if you let me in.” Jared pushed at the door again but didn’t want to force Jensen back. “Let me in.”

“Don’t call.” Jensen shook his head roughly and stepped back, wincing at the sting in his foot. “Fuck,” he gasped at the next round of thunder, hands pressing into his ears once more.

“Okay, Jensen? Enough. Let me in.” Jared pushed harder on the door until Jensen had no choice but to step back. “Jesus,’ he hissed when he saw blood on the floor. Jensen was shaking, his hands still covering his ears and Jared stood there for a few moments; not knowing what to do.

A surprised gasp fell from Jensen and he took a few more steps back, shaken by the way Jared had pushed his way inside. “M’sorry. Sorry. Didn’t mean- I’ll clean- I can-” Jensen shook his head and turned, his entire body quaking as he tried to get back to the kitchen.

“Jensen?” Jared snagged Jensen’s arm and pulled him back to his chest. “Hey, c’mon. You’re fine. I didn’t mean that...”

“Don’t. Don’t.” Jensen struggled against Jared, crying out when he stepped wrong on the cut on his foot. With the next flash of lightning he looked down, eyes widening at the dark blood smeared on the carpet. He felt the heat of Jared’s hand on him and his arms wind milled, struggling to get away.

“Stop. I can’t- can’t breathe,” Jensen gasped, his chest tightening so vice firm the pain was blinding.

Jared heart was racing, his mind whirling as he tried to figure out what the _hell_ he was going to do. Holding his hands up he kicked the door closed behind him and walked slowly toward Jensen. "Jensen? It's okay. I won't touch you again, alright? You need to calm down - everything's okay, right? I'm here." He softened his voice, moving a step closer. "I can help, right?"

Some part of Jensen _knew_ that Jared wasn’t going to harm him but with the flash of lightning and the roar of thunder Jensen’s mind switched to that night, years ago. He could still smell the garlic on their breath, the mocking words, and Jensen backed into the wall. When the next clap of thunder shook the balcony doors once more Jensen’s mind cut off, his body slumping and finally gave out until he was a heap on the floor.

Kneeling down quickly, Jared’s hands hovered over Jensen for a few moments and when he got no reaction he swore softly and gathered Jensen up into his arms. Even in his arms, Jensen said nothing, staring ahead, and trembling like he was completely terrified and it was all Jared could do to hold it together himself.

"God, Jen. It's okay, you'll be okay. I'm gonna..." Jared's voice broke and he set Jensen down on the sofa and pressed his forehead to Jensen's clammy cheek. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make things worse. Okay? I'll just... I'm gonna get some stuff for your foot okay? Get you fixed up." Jared's hand rubbed over Jensen's chest; he could feel the rapid rise and fall of the man's chest. "Okay-" Jared wasn't even sure who he was trying to reassure anymore.

He headed to the bathroom quickly and rooted around in the cupboard until he found a first aid kit. His heart fell when he got back to the sofa and found that Jensen hadn't moved. Jensen's feet were still bleeding, and as soon as Jared got a good look at them he could tell that there was still glass in the cuts.

"Jen? You with me?" Jared sighed and rubbed his hand on Jensen's chest slowly. "I'm gonna clean up your feet for you, bandage them. I'm _so_ sorry," Jared whispered.

It probably took Jared about half an hour to get the glass out of Jensen's cuts, clean and bandage them. Jensen said nothing and the longer the silence stretched out the worse Jared felt. He should never have pushed his way in but he'd had no way of knowing how scared Jensen really was. Sure, Christian and Jensen had told him bits and pieces about what had happened to Jensen. Jared knew the basics, but it was obviously far worse than he'd ever let himself believe.

Once he got Jensen settled on the sofa under a blanket, Jared cleaned up the broken glass and dumped it so that no one else would step on it. His hands were shaking as he closed the cupboard under the sink and he gripped his hair for a few moments, closing his eyes tight.

All he could think of doing was holding Jensen, being there. There was obviously nothing else he could do - but he wasn't leaving until Christian came home. "Jensen," he said softly as he headed back into the living room. "I'm gonna just sit with you till Chris comes home, okay? I just... I wanna help and I don't know what to do."

Frowning, Jared slipped his arm under Jensen's shoulders and pushed him forward so he could sit down behind him. "Okay? I'm just gonna be right here," Jared whispered against Jensen's hair. Smoothing Jensen’s hair back from his forehead, Jared pressed his lips to the man’s temple. “I sure wish you’d talk to me, tell me you’re okay.” Tightening his arms around Jensen, Jared settled back onto the sofa and held on.

As time passed he spoke softly to Jensen, told him stories about growing up in Texas, talked about his work. He stopped every now and again to ask if Jensen was feeling better but there was never an answer, never even a nod. All Jared could do was hold on to Jensen, stroke his hair, and talk to him. It was all he knew to do.

He was actually a little relieved when he finally heard the door open and Christian’s voice as he called out for his roommate.

“We’re in the living room,” Jared said quietly.

“Jared? Is everythi- shit.” Christian rushed around the couch, pushing rain damp hair off his temple as he knelt in front of Jensen. “Jen? Hey, Jen, you in there?” Christian’s lips twitched in a brief smile and he reached up, cupping Jensen’s jaw on either side. His eyes slid back after a moment to Jared. “How long has he been like this?”

“Since shortly after I got here.” Jared sighed and breathed into Jensen’s hair. “I didn’t know what to do Christian. I made him let me in because I saw blood, there was blood and when I grabbed his arm he just freaked and then... this.” Jared’s arms snaked tighter around Jensen’s chest like the only comfort he got was the steady rise and fall of Jensen’s chest.

“It was the storm. Fuck, I saw it, I knew I should have come home but I was having such a good time.” Christian sighed heavily and stood, heading into the kitchen. A few minutes later he returned with a pill and glass of water. “Jen? Gonna give you this pill okay?” Christian slipped the pill in Jensen’s mouth and held out the water. “Jared, help him drink, your angle is better.”

"What?" Jared's gaze lifted and he blinked a few times. "Oh. Yeah, okay. Christian, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do." Shaking his head, Jared took the glass and lifted it to Jensen's lips. His hands slid up to Jensen's chin to tilt the man's head back and he tipped the glass up. "Swallow the pill, Jensen. Please?" Jared buried his face in Jensen's hair again.

Christian’s hand slid up and ran over Jensen’s throat, massaging softly until the man swallowed. He took the glass from Jared a moment later, shaking his head as he pushed up and sat beside them on the couch. “Okay, explain this to me again. You pushed your way inside? During the storm?”

Jared rubbed at his face and glanced up at Christian. “I was coming home from work and I heard something - something breaking so I banged on the door. He wouldn't let me in though. I kept asking so then when I saw the blood I pushed the door open. Not hard though,” he added softly.

“You know that beating I told you he went through? It was raining then and I guess some part of his mind has connected those two things. Usually have to give him that pill when they start, I’m actually surprised he didn’t take it himself.” Christian sighed and slid his hand back through his hair. “He doesn’t get like this often. I- it must have been too much, even if you had the best intentions. Maybe he was too far gone by then.”

“It’s my fault.” Jared couldn’t shake off the memory of Jensen’s face when the door had pushed open. He’d scared Jensen - that look had been for him. “I thought- I mean, things had been going okay. I thought that I could help him- and I couldn’t.”

Thinking that he couldn’t help was one thing, having to admit it to Christian was another thing entirely. The fact that Jensen _needed_ Christian made Jared feel like, somehow, he wasn’t really _getting_ it. The events of that evening only proved he didn’t. “I just didn’t know what to do,” he echoed.

Christian blew out a low breath, slowly shaking his head. “Jared, I like you, really I do. You gotta stop beating yourself up over this, it’s not gonna help. You couldn’t possibly have known what he’d be like in a storm. Now you do. And god, I know Jensen, when he snaps out of this he’s gonna be horrified. Hell, he’s probably gonna think he’s ruined everything between you two. And if you keep acting like this, you really think it’s gonna help him?”

Jared closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to stop the burn of tears from overtaking. "Christian, I didn't know what to do. It's not supposed to be like that. Fuck-" he lowered his voice when Jensen shifted slightly. "I should know what to do, and I didn't help him - he needed _you_."

“You know something Jared; I don’t always know what to do either.” Christian looked toward the man, staring until Jared looked at him. “Tonight? First time I’ve been on a date in sixteen months, all because sometimes I’m terrified to leave him alone. I don’t know if I always help, but I love him like a brother, and I just keep sticking with it, keep trying. All we can really do yeah?”

Jared shook his head and grabbed Jensen’s shoulder gently so he could shift him forward. “I’m not so sure he’s gonna want me around now. I was... I terrified him. You didn’t see the look on his face Christian. I scared the _shit_ outta him.”

“So that’s it then? If he gets all skittish again, you just gonna back off?” Christian asked quietly, looking from Jensen to Jared.

Frowning, Jared’s eyes snapped over to Christian’s. “No. I’m- that’s not what I mean. I did everything wrong. I wasn’t what he needed and, _fuck_ , Christian I should be. I know we haven’t even known each other that long but watching someone you lov-” Jared sucked in a breath and shifted Jensen forward again. “I should go,” he said softly. “Will he be okay now?”

Christian stared at him for a long moment, quiet as he considered Jared. “You really wanna go?”

“I don’t wanna scare him again,” Jared said quietly.

“Well I think-”

A small half moan half groan fell from Jensen as he slowly stirred, coming out of the haze that had been his mind for who knows how long. The storm seemed to be over and Jensen was distinctly aware of the heat soaking into him. He turned toward it, breathing in the smell of Jared, and his mind slowly replayed the entire night. His body tensed, unsure where everyone stood now.

“Jen?” Christian’s voice was quiet, his hand lifting to stroke fingers along Jensen’s arm. “You with us?”

“Yes,” Jensen whispered, not opening his eyes, not moving in case it caused Jared to detach him.

Jared’s heart skipped a couple of beats and he slid his palm back to Jensen’s chest. “You want me to go, Jen? Christian’s here now to take care of you.” He closed his eyes, preparing himself for Jensen’s answer.

Pressing back against Jared, Jensen shook his head. Everything still felt fuzzy and off kilter except for that heat against him. “Don’t,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter.

Christian met Jared’s gaze after a moment and half smiled, shrugging at Jared.

Jared closed his eyes after nodding at Christian. Relief flooded through him and he pulled Jensen closer; lips brushing over the man's golden brown hair. "I'm gonna stay with you," he whispered. His back ached, his arms were tired, he had a headache but Jensen asking him to stay there was the best thing he'd heard all day.

“You okay, Jen?” Jared squeezed Jensen slightly, shifting his leg down to the floor so he could sit up a little. “You want some more water or something?”

“No, no water,” Jensen whispered and shifted, frown pulling his lips down. “Can- can we-” Jensen inhaled shakily and finally blinked his eyes open. Christian’s hair was curling, obviously having gotten wet, and Jensen’s frown deepened. “Your date?”

Christian smiled softly. “Yeah, it went well. She’s a sweet girl. Maybe we’ll go out again soon.”

Jensen wondered if Christian had come home because of the storm, because of _him_. It made guilt churn thick and unpleasant in his stomach and he closed his eyes again, tilting his lips up toward Jared. “Wanna lie down.”

“Okay,” Jared said softly. “Sit up a bit for me, Jen, okay?” Jared loosened his hold on the man and eased him forward.

Looking over at Christian, Jared shrugged. “What does that drug do?”

“Helps with the anxiety. Also makes him drowsy, little dizzy. How you feelin’ Jen? Is it a bit better?”

Forcing his eyes to open again, Jensen allowed Jared to gently tug him to his feet and nodded. “Doesn’t hurt as bad, my- you know, the pain in my chest. Tired though.” He swayed in place, relieved that Jared was there to keep him upright.

“Pain?” Jared looked over at Christian again, confused. “Jen? Can you walk?” Jared slid his hands down Jensen’s arms until he could grab the man’s hands. “Grab hold of me,” he said softly.

“He means the panic feeling. He says it’s like someone grabbing his chest and squeezing,” Christian explained standing as well and holding out a hand just to be safe.

Jensen was only vaguely listening to the conversation. His fingers curled around Jared, eyes falling closed once more. He felt so exhausted it was almost impossible to keep himself upright and he exhaled shakily. “S-sorry. I can, walk.” He’d force himself to if he had too.

Bending his knees slightly, Jared slipped his hands around Jensen's thighs and lifted them. "Up you come," he said with a groan. With Christian's help he was able to get Jensen up into his arms and the man tried as much as he was able to hold on, mumbling something incoherent which made Jared finally crack a small smile. "Gotta put you to bed," he muttered into Jensen's shoulder as the man clung to him.

Jensen nearly fell asleep in Jared’s arms, no matter how short the walk to his room might have been. He felt warm and remarkably safe and he tried to hold tighter to Jared until suddenly everything was tipping as the man gently laid him on the bed.

“Thanks Jared,” Christian said softly, his voice sounded a million miles away.

All of sudden Jensen realized what it meant, the blanket being pulled over him, and he reached out, fumbling through thin air and forcing his eyes open. “Please. Wait just, don’t go,” he whispered, looking away so Jared couldn’t see his needy gaze.

Jared reached out and caught Jensen's hand, twining their fingers together. "I can stay. Want me here till you fall asleep? I bet Christian will make me some coffee." Jared smiled hopefully over at Christian. _Not_ that Jared was going to be feeling calm enough to sleep for a while. It felt like his mind was a tempest of thought.

“Just stay,” Jensen breathed and forced himself to shift back on the bed, making room for Jared. His eyes slid over to Christian, almost pleading. “Is that- should Jared...” He sighed; frustrated that he couldn’t get the words out. But Christian had to know what he was referring too.

Christian cleared his throat, hand moving up through his hair once more. “When it gets bad, this bad, I usually stay with him for the night.”

Swallowing, Jared nodded. "It's okay, Christian. I'd like to stay with Jensen." He smiled up at the man, knowing that Christian had to feel a little bit nervous about Jared. "If he wants me here, it's all good." He nodded again and mouthed, _thank you_.

“Okay,” Christian said softly and nodded, half stepping back. “Jen? I’m right across the hall, if you need me okay? I’ll be there.”

Jensen met Christian’s gaze and smiled softly. “Okay. Night.” He watched as Christian looked between them once more before nodding again, smiling, and then turning to leave. He shut the door behind him as he left the room and Jensen’s eyes slowly moved to Jared. “Need to undress.” He flushed and looked away. “I mean, my jeans, and shirt.”

“I can do that,” Jared said. The strange thing was that he actually felt better now that Jensen was talking to him, telling him what to do. It was so much better than the fear he’d seen earlier. One hand behind Jensen’s neck, the other still holding his hand, Jared pulled the man up until he was sitting.

Once he was sure that Jensen could sit there unaided, Jared grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. It was hard not to stare at Jensen’s body; Jared had never seen him without a shirt. His fingers curled into the material of the crumpled t-shirt then he tossed it toward the hamper.

Standing, Jared pulled Jensen closer to the edge of the bed. “Okay? You want Christian to do this?” His hands were shaking and he rubbed Jensen’s thighs for a moment, stalling.

“Do I want my super straight best friend to take off my pants instead of my boyfriend?” Jensen half mumbled the words, the drug working through him and possibly making him a little delirious. His head tilted to the side as he stared at Jared then he shrugged. “I dunno. You want Christian to do it?”

Rolling his eyes, Jared laughed. "No, Jensen. I don't. Frankly? I get a little jealous of your super straight best friend sometimes."

Reaching out Jared undid the button on Jensen's jeans, the lowered the zipper. He slipped his arms around Jensen and pulled him up to his feet for long enough to push the jeans down past his hips. When he lowered Jensen to the bed again Jared tried hard to keep looking at Jensen's face. The fact was, Jensen's body was different than Jared expected. Jensen tended toward clothes that were baggy, things that hid his body and now all that Jared could see was the man's lithe frame covered only by tight briefs.

"Okay," he said gruffly. "Lie down again."

The thought of undressing hadn’t seemed like such a big deal before, when Jensen was just focusing on being comfortable to sleep. Now though, it occurred to him exactly what was happening and a blush crawled up his cheeks. He shifted back and slid under the blankets, oddly thrilled by the idea of being trapped between the wall and Jared as he slept. “You’ll stay all night?” He asked quietly, curling under the cool blankets and shivering.

"Yeah, if that's what you want." Jared hesitated a few moments then pulled his tie off and hung it over the top of Jensen's dresser. His hands were shaking as he unbuttoned his shirt and folded it then loosened his belt.

As soon as he undid them, his slacks fell and pooled at his feet. After another moment to tug his socks off Jared moved back over to the bed and sat down. He brushed his fingers along Jensen’s arm. “You okay? Need anything?”

“I’m okay,” Jensen breathed, the words hardly audible. After all, he was a little caught up on the image before him. Jared had an amazing body like Jensen had expected but it was completely different thing to actually see it, the curves of his abs, the thin taper of his waist, the snug boxer briefs that exposed sharp hipbones.

A different sort of heat crawled through Jensen and his breath was shaky in the next moment. “Is this okay?” He asked quietly, finally looking away. “Are you sure you want- I- god, how are you even still here? I was so... pathetic.”

"You weren't pathetic." Jensen's word spurred Jared forward and he slipped under the covers and lay on his side next to Jensen. "I'm sorry that ... I'm sorry I scared you. Just never been through anything like that. I saw the blood on your hand and I-" Jared shrugged a shoulder and shifted a little closer. He didn't know where to touch Jensen. They'd touched, sure, but Jensen had always seemed to tense up when Jared tried to touch even under the edge of his shirt. And now, here he was. “I thought when you woke up you’d want me gone.”

“Scared me?” Jensen frowned and shook his head. “It wasn’t like that. It... the thunder, and lightning. I just, I always get flashes, memories. It wasn’t you. Just a bad, thing.” Jensen half shrugged and inched a little closer. He reached out slowly, eyes fixed on Jared as his fingers slowly met the middle of the man’s chest. There was still a slight tremor through him but Jensen thought it had more to do with Jared there, nearly naked before him. “You- you took care of me. I should thank you.”

Jared couldn't help the shiver that skittered down his body at the shy touch. Sliding his hand over Jensen's he pressed it close. "All I could figure out was to hold on to you," Jared whispered. He shifted a little, licked his lips and finally lifted his gaze to meet Jensen's. "I would have stayed there all night."

“I believe it.” Jensen nodded, letting his palm slowly rest flush on Jared’s chest. He could feel the man’s breathing, his chest rising and falling slowly. His hand moved up slowly, until he was sure he could feel Jared’s heart, and his nipple, there under the sensitive smooth of his fingers. “Cause, you’re here, now.” Jensen wet his lips, looking up at Jared. “You... can touch me. If you want.”

It was getting harder for Jared to keep his breathing slow and steady. "Jen, the pill." He sighed and clenched his jaw for a few moments. "It's making you feel more relaxed and this isn't... I don't want to..." Groaning, Jared leaned forward and captured Jensen's mouth in a soft kiss. When he pulled back his lashes were still pressed to his cheeks. "I don't wanna screw this up."

“Okay,” Jensen breathed and pulled his hand back, rolling his lips slowly together. It was strange to have no experience in this. Maybe if he did things would be different, maybe Jared would do all those things to him that he’d only ever dreamed about before. No matter how hard Jensen tried to picture it, he couldn’t, and that just made everything else feel odd. “I guess, we should sleep?”

"I need to tell you something," Jared said softly. Shifting closer he slipped his arm under Jensen's neck and pulled the man into his chest. "You don't have to say anything okay? But I just - I want you to understand something." His fingers slid up Jensen's back and brushed the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

Jensen tucked his arms between them, curling his legs up until they bumped into Jared’s. “Okay?” He wasn’t sure if he should brace himself or not, wasn’t sure he even had the strength for anything more.

"I think... I know," Jared sighed and nuzzled into Jensen's hair. "I'm falling in love with you. I know it's too soon and it's crazy and you'll probably think I'm nuts. But this, you, God, you're amazing. I feel so happy when I'm with you, you make me laugh and you're - there are so many things that you know, things you think about. So... no. Jensen. I'm not gonna touch you like that tonight because when I touch you, _when_ we touch each other it's going to be because you want to and it's right, okay?"

It felt a little like Jensen’s heart leaped in his chest and he blinked wide eyed a few times, breathing deep. He couldn’t fathom why someone as amazing as Jared would fall in love with him but he wasn’t going to protest it. “What if I want it?” Jensen asked quietly, pulling back a little to look up at him. “What if... I feel the same? And, and I want it?” His arm extended, gently coming to rest over Jared’s side.

Smiling crookedly, Jared leaned down to kiss Jensen's lips. "Look, you had a terrible night. You need to rest. My boyfriend had me worried as hell tonight so I'm drained." He grinned at the spark in Jensen's eye. "Sleep, I won't leave. Tomorrow - if ... tomorrow," he said softly.

His blood was racing just having Jensen in his arms like that and Jared pressed closer. “We have all the time in the world.”

“That’s easy to say when you’re not a twenty six year old virgin.” Jensen rolled his eyes and tilted his head down, letting it rest against Jared’s chest. He at least understood some of Jared’s logic, and he really wasn’t the type to protest it, no matter how much he might _want_. “How was work?” He asked instead, figuring it was an easier, safer topic to discuss.

Laughing, Jared rolled onto his back and pulled Jensen most of the way across his body. Groaning softly he tightened his arms around Jensen as the man settled on his body. It was warm and the weight of Jensen was soothing and Jared’s heart was still thudding away like crazy. “Work was horrible. Aren’t you exhausted? You couldn’t even walk in here before. Jensen Ackles. Were you faking?”

“No, just snapping out of it. Kinda hard to sleep when, well, just, you know.” Jensen could roll his hips against Jared’s side and then Jared would _really_ know but he didn’t want to make things weird by pushing for something Jared wasn’t okay with right now. “Why was it horrible?” He asked softly, fingers running along Jared’s side slowly.

Jared's body twitched up as Jensen's fingers ghosted over his side. "Just? Work. There was a lot, I mean; I had a lot of paperwork to do. Right now it's scattered all over my apartment. I threw it when I heard the crash in your place." Closing his eyes, Jared tried to think about a million other things that the way Jensen's hip bone was pressing against his side, the heat radiating off the man's body.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to freak you out,” Jensen whispered, turning his head so his lips came to rest on Jared’s skin. “Did you close your door at least? No one can get in right?” When Jensen closed his eyes he could perfectly picture Jared’s apartment, which led to him picturing sleeping in Jared’s giant bed in the middle of the living room. The thought was certainly appealing.

Heat radiated out from the gentle brush of Jensen's lips and Jared took a deep breath and held it for a few moments. "Yeah, shut the door. Thought Christian was home. You didn't tell me you'd be alone." His hand moved slowly down Jensen's back, tracing the furrow of his spine with his fingertips. When he reached the waist band of Jensen's briefs Jared traced the top of it with his finger tip.

Jensen sucked in a shaky breath, entirely too affected by Jared’s touches for his own good. It was like some amazingly awful torture. “Thought you’d be home,” he breathed and his voice was certainly deeper. His body moved back into Jared’s touch then forward until suddenly his more than half-hard cock was up against Jared’s side. Jensen bit his lip and swallowed thickly. “Was gonna surprise you with dinner,” he whispered.

Jared was quickly getting in over his head. "Never ate dinner, will be starving by breakfast. Will you feed me?" Pressing a hand to the small of Jensen's back Jared bit back a moan. Jensen was hard and his skin was _hot_ and Jared was in trouble.

“Uh huh,” Jensen murmured, eyes falling closed as he savored the feel of Jared’s hand spreading across his back. It felt like his heart was racing out of control, his breath was coming quicker, and Jared had to know how he was affecting him. “French toast?” He suggested, just barely moving his hips forward once more.

"Jen..." Jared ducked his head down and caught Jensen's full lips with his mouth. Jensen's mouth opened immediately and Jared moaned, tugging Jensen over him and gripping his hips tightly. "You're killing me," he murmured into the kiss. Rolling his hips up he moaned again and slid his tongue forward to sweep along the smooth edges of Jensen’s teeth.

Jensen gasped into the kiss, his body moving down against Jared’s in an echoing movement. He loved the way Jared kissed him, like he was claiming his mouth. Jensen didn’t know where to touch, couldn’t seem to settle his hands. They moved along the man’s arms, over his neck, up into his hair. Jensen slid his tongue forward to move against Jared’s, his legs falling to either side of the man’s body and he moaned when his cock pressed against the heat of Jared’s body through thin fabric.

Jared's blood was rushing in his ears and when Jensen moaned he could feel his body tightening and thrumming with energy. Dropping his hands he cupped Jensen's ass and pressed him against his body, _hard_. Thrusting his tongue forward he groaned, mouth slanting to cover Jensen's.

The pleasure was thick and burning through Jensen and he’d never felt anything like this before, like he wasn’t completely in control of his body. But knowing that Jared was, made it completely, one hundred percent better. He sucked along Jared’s tongue, teeth dragging slowly back as he pulled from the kiss and rocked his body forward.

Jensen blinked his eyes open and stared down at Jared for a long moment then dipped down, kissing tentatively along the man’s jaw, down to his neck. He’d never done _this_ before either, tasting Jared’s skin, and he couldn’t help moaning around the soft presses of his lips.

"Jensen, God, you're-" Jared's fingers combed up through Jared's hair, encouraging him. He wanted more of the soft, gentle kisses, the way Jensen seemed to be learning his way along Jared's jaw, his neck.

"Jesus," he whispered. Jensen was making the sweetest sounds, falling thick and heavy against Jared's skin and he shuddered, arching up slightly. "We should- this is-" Jared's breath hitched when Jensen sucked hard on a patch of skin at the base of his neck.

Each of Jared’s deep, almost breathless words washed over him and Jensen wanted to make him always sound like this, like he couldn’t control how Jensen was making him feel. Then he realized Jared had said something about not doing this, not when Jensen was on some medication that might alter his thinking. He pushed up, prepared to say something, only to cut off in a low moan as his hips moved against Jared’s. “Oh god,” he whispered, one hand moving over Jared’s chest, thumb tentatively brushing across Jared’s nipple.

"Oh _Jesus_ ," Jared groaned. He grabbed Jensen's shoulder and pushed him back, panting softly as he gazed up at Jensen's flushed face. "We gotta stop, we've skipped a lotta steps here," Jared said breathlessly. His thumb swept over Jensen's bottom lip and he groaned softly then laughed. "You are _so_ hot, do you know that? Gorgeous and _mine_."

Jensen was still panting softly, his cheeks overheated and his eyes fixed on Jared. He didn’t want to stop. He wanted to crawl back over Jared’s body and do, a whole bunch of things he wasn’t completely sure of. “Yours,” he whispered, at least believing that much. He was so turned on it was painful and he shifted back slightly, wetting his lips. “We skipped steps?”

"No," Jared shook his head. "I mean - well, we - God you can't look like that- touch me like that and expect me to make sense." Sighing, Jared reached up to cup the back of Jensen's neck and bring him down for a gentle kiss. "I just want it to be special. You and me - no straight friend who makes me jealous across the hall. My big bed... the ocean."

“Okay,” Jensen whispered, tilting up to capture Jared’s lips in yet another small, soft kiss. He kind of wanted to capture the way his heart fluttered at Jared’s words and always feel that way. “You- you just make me feel... like, I don’t know. Like I could go to the mall. Or out to eat. Or, just, anywhere. As long as you’re with me, I’d be okay.” Jensen laughed shakily, dropping his forehead against Jared’s. “Not as good as saying I’m falling for you, I know.”

Laughing, Jared wrapped Jensen in his arms and pulled him down. “I don’t know, saying you might go to the mall is pretty damn good.” He laughed again and blew out a frustrated breath. “God I’m glad I moved in here.”

“Me too,” Jensen murmured, struggling not to press up against Jared again. “Do you- would- I know it’s stupid, and you don’t have to or anything, but I was wondering... would you go to my sister’s wedding with me? And Christian, he’ll be there. But you know, you wouldn’t be his date, yeah. Obviously.” Jensen laughed weakly, inching just a bit closer.

“Really? Like - your boyfriend. I can meet people and your family will know who I am?” Jared’s smile widened. “I mean yeah, anyway. But definitely. Yes. When is it? It doesn’t matter. Yes.” Jared laughed and crushed his mouth to Jensen’s again.

Almost instantly Jensen was moaning into the kiss again and everything in him felt like it was on overload. It was such a crazy roller coaster, the way he’d felt so hopeless earlier, the fear, the near comatose state, and then this, Jared, being as amazing as he always was and completely shaking Jensen to his core. His arms had wrapped around Jared, fingers drifting down until he felt soft cotton and his moan echoed, louder.

Jared was torn, _God_ , he'd never been more torn about anything. He wanted to do what was right, wanted to give Jensen anything he wanted, he _wanted_ Jensen. Jensen's fingers were like fire on his skin; his breath was hot and moist against Jared's neck. The room smelled of Jensen - that sweetly spicy scent Jared knew well. Everything was completely overwhelming and amazing all at the same time.

Growling quietly, Jared dragged his nails down Jensen's back and gripped his slight hips to slide him up his body. As their bodies rubbed together Jared gasped; so hard he was aching he gripped Jensen tighter and arched up off the mattress.

Even if Jared was driving him crazy, Jensen was more than willing to go along with whatever the man wanted to do. The feel of their bodies sliding together, the not enough - too much friction was enough to have him pulling from the kiss, gasping softly.

“Jared,” he moaned his boyfriend’s name, letting their foreheads meet as he panted softly against Jared’s lips. “Never felt so many...” There really was no way to describe the whirlwind of emotions and sensations coursing through Jensen.

"S'okay," Jared whispered. His lips moved over Jensen's cheek, down along his jaw and then he pushed Jensen gently. When Jensen was lying on his back again, Jared pressed up against the man's side and dragged his palm down the length of Jensen's body. His fingers curled hard into Jensen's thigh and then moved slowly, thumb ghosting over the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. "Tell me if it's too much," Jared said softly.

He leaned down into another kiss, lips smoothing over Jensen's tenderly. Each time Jared moved his fingers, pressed closer he could feel Jensen tremble, a shiver passing down his boyfriend's body.

"Amazing," Jared murmured. Rolling forward slightly, he caught Jensen's mouth beneath his again and dragged his palm up over the hard line in Jensen's briefs. The heat of it made him gasp, his hips rocking forward unconsciously.

“God,” Jensen moaned into the kiss, one arm tucking under Jared as his free hand came to rest on the man’s wrist. He wasn’t stopping Jared from touching him - because he _wanted_ this - but he was more nervous than he was willing to admit. The heat from Jared’s fingers was seeping through his briefs and Jensen couldn’t help rocking up toward it.

Tongue slipping forward, Jensen slowly traced along Jared’s lower lip then his upper, hand on Jared’s wrist controlling the next slow roll over his trapped flesh. As his tongue finally slipped forward to taste inside Jared’s mouth he pressed down against his boyfriend’s hand, nearly whimpering at the mind spinning pressure.

Jared slid his tongue under Jensen's, teasing, encouraging and fought off the urge to simply pin his body to the bed. Curling his fingers slowly he ran his hand the length of Jensen's shaft and gasped at the way the man's body arched up into the gentle touch.

Breaking the kiss Jared pulled back slightly, gaze locking with Jensen's. As his thumb hooked over the waistband of Jensen's briefs he watched the pleasure flit across the man's face; fought the urge to crush their lips together again because he wanted to _see_. Jensen's face was beautiful, alive with the flush of pleasure, eyes dark, sparkling in the moonlight streaming through the window.

Jared's fingers tucked under the material and slid down until he could feel the velvet smooth heat of Jensen's cock in his hand. Heavy and full, it fit perfectly across Jared's palm and he curled his fingers around the flesh and rode the arch of Jensen's body as a jolt of pleasure shot through him.

“Oh-” Jensen sucked in a sharp breath, surprised by just how very different it felt to have someone else’s hand - _Jared’s_ hand - sliding over his skin. It was perfect, amazing, and Jensen was absolutely sure he wouldn’t make it long. After the night he had, and the words Jared had said, the heat of his body and too many dizzying kisses, Jensen was surprised he hadn’t come already.

Hand lifting, Jensen reached out and let his fingertips rest over Jared’s jaw, mouth slightly parted as he rocked up into the heat of his palm once more. “Feels,” he gasped, eyes fluttering closed then open a moment later. “Jared, god.”

Jensen bit down on his lip, belatedly hoping he wasn’t being too loud. The last thing he needed was Christian hearing and Jensen was beginning to think Jared had the right idea about being in his apartment when they did the bigger things. “Do- tell me. What, what you like.”

"Shhh," Jared smiled. "Just wanna see you, wanna know you feel good." His grip tightened slightly and he stroked the heated flesh in his hand. Long, slow strokes up and then back down seemed to guide the wave of Jensen's body up off the mattress and then back down.

A loud moan broke the silence of the room and Jared ducked down to catch it, kissing Jensen hard and swallowing down the sweet sounds his boyfriend made.

It wasn’t as if Jensen had never touched himself before - he had, plenty of times, and quite a few thinking about something just like this - but with Jared’s hand on him it felt as if someone had unlocked some part of him. He clutched to Jared’s arm and nearly thrust up into his hand, body twisting and writhing in a way he’d never felt before. His free hand had settled in the man’s hair, weaving between the strands and holding tight like he might just fly up off the bed at any given moment.

“Jare...” he moaned into his boyfriend’s mouth. He pulled back for long enough to suck in a deep breath, his lungs practically aching with the inhale. “Please, god, just-” Jensen crushed his lips to Jared’s again so the man could swallow up the following loud moan, unable to stay quiet any longer.

A shudder rocked Jared's body as his hand glided over Jensen's cock. Sweeping his thumb over the head he gathered the slick pre-come and swept it down Jensen's shaft. There was no way he could stay still, his hips rocked forward against Jensen's hip, rubbing, twisting even as Jensen's body writhed and arched and _Jesus_ \- it was the hottest thing Jared had ever experienced.

He could feel Jensen losing control of his body, _feel_ the way heat was burning through both of them. Jensen's kisses were more desperate, rougher and Jared leaned forward to press him down into the mattress as his palm swept over hard flesh.

Jensen never would have anticipated it but the moment Jared moved over him, pressed him further down into the mattress, his entire body seemed to lose control. His hips stutter jerked up into Jared’s touch, his moan loud but smothered by Jared’s mouth against his. Jensen’s fingers curled and dug his nails into the man’s back, gasping with the next squeeze stroke up his painfully aching cock.

All at once the sparking through him came to a peak and Jensen jerked back from the kiss only to bury his head into the crook of Jared’s neck, latching onto the man’s skin with a bite then the hard suck of his lips. His orgasm tore through him harder, faster than he’d ever felt before and Jensen shook from head to toe, clutching Jared as close to him as he could manage.

"God," Jared hissed. His lashes fluttered closed as Jensen clung to him, practically wrapping himself around Jared's body. Jensen was trembling, twitching and moaning as the last of his pleasure wove through his body. Jared loosened his hold on Jensen enough to slide his hand up to Jensen's chest, rubbing slowly as the man panted. He could feel Jensen's heart pounding and smiled into the man's tousled hair. "You okay?"

“Think I just,” Jensen was still working his way through shaky breaths, eyes closed, body melting back into the bed, “lost brain cells.” Jensen laughed breathlessly, his hands slowly sliding off Jared’s back and flopping onto the bed. After a moment he realized people probably didn’t come so easily or so fast and his face flushed. “Sorry. Got kinda um, carried away.”

Kissing a path along Jensen’s cheek and then the end of his nose, Jared laughed softly. “It was pretty hot, don’t ever apologize for that.” Collapsing down onto the bed himself Jared draped his arm over Jensen’s middle. Nuzzling against Jensen’s ear, Jared laughed again. “What a night...”

“Mmhmm,” Jensen hummed, tilting toward Jared and smiling softly. “Do you... should- I mean, I can something, I could touch?” Jensen laughed shakily, fairly sure he didn’t sound near as confident as he was trying to. He _wanted_ to touch Jared though, so it didn’t seem too nerve wracking.

“It’s okay,” Jared pressed a kiss the Jensen’s chin. “I think sleep is a good idea for you.” Cupping Jensen’s cheek again he smiled. “Thank you for... for trusting me.” The emotion was back again, crowding Jared’s heart as it pounded away.

“You don’t want me too?” Jensen asked softly, even as he closed his eyes and relaxed down into the warmth of the bed and Jared.

Sighing, Jared gathered Jensen into his arms and settled down into the bed. "I want you to touch me very much. Plenty of time," Jared said softly. It might make for a long night but Jared didn't care. Jensen was more relaxed than Jared had ever seen him, the haunted look finally gone from his face. Jared would put up with damn near anything for that. "Sleep."

“Jared?” Jensen whispered, turning so he could tuck under his chin, slip a leg between Jared’s, pressing flush against Jared. “Is it too soon to love you?” He breathed Jared’s scent in, body sinking against Jared’s. Every part of him felt warm and cared for, loved, Jensen wanted this forever.

"It'll be our secret," Jared whispered. Smoothing Jensen's hair back from his forehead Jared sighed again, relaxing into the heat of their embrace. "Sweet dreams," he said softly.

“Night Jared,” Jensen breathed, already drifting off in the relaxed air and heat of them. He felt completely relax in a way the medication never would make him and Jensen was pretty sure this would be one night when he didn’t have a single nightmare. Still, he couldn’t wait to wake up in Jared’s arms in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

“Jensen, take a deep breath, it’s going to be just fine.”

Looking up from his shoes, Jensen pursed his lips, his brow furrowing. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You look petrified.” Christian snorted, shaking his head and grasping the door knob. “This is something you want to do right?”

Jensen shot Christian a look. Mainly because he knew the man knew when it came to Jared, Jensen wanted to do everything. It was so simple, going on a coffee date, spending some time with his boyfriend outside their apartments or the twenty feet of sand in front of their building. And Jensen knew Jared would look after him but Christian was right. He was pretty freaked. “Course I want to.”

“Think about it this way, Jared towers over basically every person you’ll cross paths with. No one would be foolish enough to start anything as long as he’s around. It’s like dating your own personal bodyguard.” Christian grinned as he opened the door, revealing Jared on the other side just about to knock.

“You’re creepy,” Jared said by way of greeting. Dropping his hand he peered past Christian and grinned at his boyfriend. “Jensen, I missed you.”

“It’s only been a day,” Christian muttered, rolling his eyes but he grinned as well, looking over at Jensen.

The small smile on Jensen’s lips was pleased as he forced himself forward. Not that approaching Jared was hard. The idea of going out, however, was. “I missed you too,” he said softly, stopping just in front of his boyfriend and leaning up for a soft kiss.

Humming quietly, Jared's arm slid round Jensen quickly and pulled him in closer. "How's today?"

Jared had been learning about his boyfriend as the days sped past. Some days were good, other were not so good, some were terrible. It didn't really matter to Jared; it might change the way he acted a little but he always wanted to be with Jensen. He was _done for_ according to a late night slightly inebriated conversation he'd had with Christian.

“It’s good,” Jensen breathed, leaning into the warmth of Jared, arms curling around the man’s neck so he could run his fingers through the soft silky locks of hair. “How was work?” He asked quietly and let his nose brush against Jared’s, his smile growing a little wider.

“God you two make my teeth ache,” Christian muttered, shaking his head and turning to head back into the apartment.

Laughing, Jared nuzzled against Jensen’s ear. “Works every time,” he whispered. “So...” Pulling back slightly, Jared beamed down at Jensen. “Dear boyfriend of mine, now we’ve rid ourselves of the over-protective best friend will you accompany me to coffee?”

Jensen tensed for a moment then slowly nodded, giving Jared a small smile. “Yeah, okay. But if, I mean, if it’s too much... you won’t be mad right?” He wanted to give Jared a normal relationship - as normal as he could get at least - and sometimes he worried that Jared would eventually get bored always hanging around. After all, the guy was young, gorgeous, he deserved to go out and enjoy life.

"Of course I won't. We'll just come back here and I'll make you some of that fancy new raspberry weird ass tea you made me buy." Jared smoothed Jensen's hair back from his forehead and smiled warmly before kissing the tip of his nose. "How about... one kiss at the bottom of the elevator ride... another kiss outside the building and another at the corner of the street... this could get good."

Jensen laughed softly though his palms felt a little damp with sweat. He still wasn’t sure if he could handle showing any of his sexuality in public, no matter how much Christian insisted they lived in a really open minded neighborhood. “Sounds like a good plan,” he agreed softly, turning to look back at his roommate in the living room. “You want me to bring you home a coffee?”

Christian looked toward him, smirking. “Nah, I’m gonna run out for a bit.”

Brows lifting, Jensen didn’t have to know Christian all that well to guess what his expression meant. “Going to see someone special?”

The man actually _blushed_ , causing Jensen to cover his mouth to keep from laughing. “I promise to not be home too late.”

“You should stay as late as you want. Lord knows you need to get laid.” The moment Jensen said the words he blinked, surprised by them, and slowly looked back at Jared. “I think you’re rubbing off on me.”

Leaning against the door frame Jared laughed. “Don’t blame that on me, Jen. Everyone knows you’ve got a rebellious streak.” Turning slightly Jared’s fingers slid over Jensen’s cheek and swayed closer. “I was thinkin’, maybe you could stay at my place tonight. I mean... if things go okay.” Jared caught his bottom lip under his teeth and held his breath.

Heat soared through Jensen, his mind supplying the image of Jared over him, the smooth heat of his palm. They hadn’t done anything more since that night, Jared still insisting he wanted the moment to be right, and now Jensen couldn’t help imagining what might happen if he stayed over at the man’s. “Yeah, okay. That would... that sounds good. Really good.”

“Well then, if I’m not needed here tonight, I’ll just be elsewhere.” Christian shrugged and Jensen looked toward him. His best friend was smiling but Jensen thought there might have just been the slightest hint of something sad.

Jensen made a mental note to hang out with Christian that weekend and smiled at the man. “You could always bring your girl over. I’m sure Jared can manage to keep me entertained for the night.” Jensen coughed and flushed. “I don’t mean that to sound so... kinky.”

“I didn’t at all mind the way that sounded.” Jared kissed Jensen’s cheek and waved at Christian absently as he gazed down at Jensen. With a subtle pressure he urged Jensen closer and out into the hallway. “I can think of a lot of things we can do tonight. Like... there’s a movie. Somewhere, in my apartment there are movies.”

“Not so much interested in watching a movie,” Jensen murmured, leaning into Jared as they headed down the hall. “Wanna know what sounds perfect to me?” He reached out to call the elevator then stepped instantly back against Jared’s side.

“I really, really do want to know,” Jared said softly. He kept his arms around Jensen’s waist, eyes locked with the slightly wide green ones peering up at him. Christian, he realized, was totally right; Jared was completely wrapped around Jensen’s little finger and not at all bothered by that.

“Well, I’m thinking, a night in bed. We open the balcony door so we can hear the ocean, maybe light some candles. And we spend the whole night talking and, you know, other things.” Jensen blushed with the thought of _other things_ and let Jared step them into the elevator. “Maybe we could make a big ice cream sundae and feed each other bites.”

“Oh, I like that. All of it,” Jared said. He moved into the elevator and slid the door closed as Jensen pushed the button. “I have ice cream and some chocolate sauce not that, you know, I eat like that all the time.” Grinning, Jared leaned back against the wall and pulled Jensen in to lean on him. “I have candles; we’ll need all the big blankets so we can keep the door wide open.”

“Or you could just come up with some other way to keep me warm,” Jensen whispered, tracing his fingers idly along Jared’s collarbone. “I’m sure you’re creative enough to come up with something.” He smiled up at his boyfriend, allowing himself to forget what they were about to do by focusing in on the man alone.

“I am _absolutely_ creative enough. I’m pretty sure you can come up with some things too.” Jared walked them back toward the door and pulled it open when they reached the main floor. “There must be things you’ve thought about.”

Jared slipped his hands into the back pockets on his boyfriend’s jeans as they moved slowly across the lobby. Jensen would be nervous, hell, Jared could feel that Jensen was already tensing a little - but every step was good.

Nodding slowly, Jensen fought against the desire to break away so no one would see him. It wasn’t that he wasn’t proud of having Jared for a boyfriend - he wasn’t an idiot after all - but people would see, and people were cruel.

“I’ve thought about some things,” Jensen agreed with a soft whisper, breathing in slowly to control the shudder threatening to course through him.

As soon as Jared felt Jensen trembling he shifted a little to the side and draped his arm over the man's shoulder. "I can tell sometimes, when you're thinking. You have this thing you do that's really adorable." Jared tucked Jensen close under his arm and walked slowly toward the door. "You rub at the back of your neck and sorta look down and off to the side like you're gonna find the answer lurking around over in the corner." He laughed softly and squeezed Jensen's shoulder.

“Jared?” Jensen sighed softly, head tilting down to rest on Jared’s shoulder for just a moment. “If I- if I pull away. Please don’t be upset. I just... people will stare. And I can’t handle... you know.” He felt guilty just saying it and he frowned, sliding his arm along Jared’s back as if to prove he wouldn’t do what he’d just said.

“Jensen, I’m not gonna be mad at anything you feel the need to do, okay? I’m here and we don’t have to be touching for me to take care of you.” Jared leaned down and pressed his lips to Jensen’s hair. “Okay?”

“Okay. ‘Cause it’s not like I’m not proud of you. Or, whatever. You know?” Jensen glanced up at Jared, sighing at his soft, understanding smile. “I totally don’t deserve you,” he whispered, hand sliding down until his thumb could hook through the man’s belt loop.

“I _totally_ do deserve you though,” Jared said mock seriously. Laughing at Jensen’s expression he started moving again. It had taken him a while to learn how best to _be_ around Jensen. There had been a lot of late night talks with Christian, lots of questions he’d suddenly asked Jensen while they were curled up on the couch. After a while, Jared had learned that he just needed to be _there_ ; available and, perhaps, more importantly he needed to be himself.

Arms at his sides, Jared took a deep breath as they reached the door. “One more kiss for good luck?”

“Yeah,” Jensen breathed and tilted up, capturing Jared’s lips in a slow, lingering kiss. His tongue slid out and moved against Jared’s before he pulled back, smiling up at him. “Okay, coffee date, let’s do this.” He held his hand out for Jared, nervous smile on his lips.

Slipping his fingers across Jensen’s palm Jared returned the smile and pushed the door open. The sun was warm on his face almost immediate and he closed his eyes for a moment to soak it up. “It’s gorgeous out.”

“It is,” Jensen agreed softly and squeezed Jared’s hand, staring up at his warm tanned skin almost glowing in the sunlight. He could certainly get used to seeing Jared out under the warm sun, even if his eyes slid away a moment later to scan across the parking lot. “So we’re walking?”

“Yeah, just to the end of the block. There’s a coffee shop in the corner of the Winston building. They have cookies. Cookies, Jensen, the size of your head.” Jared grinned and waited there for Jensen to start walking. He was in no rush. He was enjoying the fresh air; Jensen was with him - that was pretty perfect as far as he was concerned.

Jensen snorted, shaking his head as he took a step forward. “I can only imagine how hyper you’d be if you actually ate a cookie the size of my head.” He couldn’t fathom a cookie quite so big and he wondered if Jared was just teasing him to keep his mind occupied. They were moving through the parking lot though and things were okay, Jensen could do this. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can always ask me anything.” Jared was trying to look ahead and not constantly check to see if Jensen was okay.

For a few steps Jensen watched the cars passing along the road in front of their parking lot then his eyes dropped to their feet. “Do you top?” He asked quietly, keeping his eyes fixed purposefully down on the ground.

Jared stumbled over a curb and laughed as he stared down at Jensen. “I uh... wow. Yeah.” Jared cleared his throat and rubbed at his chin. “Usually, I mean, that sounds way worse than it is. It’s not like it happened a million times or anything - but. Yeah. You? You thought about that?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.” Jensen nodded, free hand coming up to rub along his neck. “How many, I mean, that’s probably none of my business.” Jensen laughed weakly and shrugged, releasing Jared’s hand and moving to the other side of him so he wasn’t closest to the road.

“Two,” Jared answered quickly. He matched Jensen’s pace, watching out of the corner of his eye to see if things became too much for his boyfriend. “Last year of high school I got drunk and made out with Kevin Smith. We were on the basketball team together. Of course, he acted like nothing had happened the next day but we hooked up a few times over the last year of school. He was my first.”

Jared sighed and glanced at Jensen. “I mean this is _sex_ , you know I dated other guys and it just never went that far. Wow. I’m talking a lot.” Jared rubbed a hand down his face.

“I don’t mind you talking,” Jensen murmured, having to force himself to talk loud enough to be heard over the passing traffic.

“Who was the other one?” Jensen looked up at his boyfriend. He couldn’t explain why he was asking about this now, but he thought maybe it was normal to be curious about the dating history of the person you loved. “You said two.”

"Bradley Michaels. First year of college. Tall, handsome and a bit... well, he was kinda shallow. It was weird. I didn't know that at first, I just kinda thought he was just too cool to be worried about anything. Anyway. We drifted apart because I wanted to study - he didn't give a shit. Then I thought it was probably a good idea to give up on dating for a while." Jared laughed. "Chad made that easy 'cause _Jesus_ he was clingy for a straight guy."

“So you’ve never really been in love before? Like, even with those two guys, it just kind of happened?” Jensen wasn’t sure when his mind had made the decision that love and sex had to go hand in hand but he supposed it probably had to do with not being hurt. After all, he could justify not having sex if he told himself he wanted to love the person first.

“You know. I’ve thought about that... which probably makes me weird.” Jared was happy that Jensen was walking close enough to him that their arms brushed every few steps. “In high school? I kinda did think I was in love, but it was more of a crush really. And Brad? Man, I don’t know. I wanted to love him - does that make sense? I didn’t want to be the guy who was pickin’ up someone different all the time. I knew though.” Jared pressed his hand over his heart for a few moments.

“It’s like this feeling inside, you just know.” Jared smiled down at Jensen and dropped his hand, fingers brushing the back of Jensen’s hand.

Like usual, Jensen’s heart fluttered at Jared’s words, and the brief touch of their fingers, so he captured Jared’s hand again, threading his fingers through his boyfriend’s. “Have you told your family about me?” Jensen was bouncing all over the place with his questions but he couldn’t help it, the distraction was helping.

Jared glanced over at Jensen again. He could feel himself blushing. "Yeah, I did. I'm sorry. I mean if that's not okay. It's just ... my mama can always tell when I'm really happy and the last few times I talked to her she figured out that something was going on."

Glancing up, Jensen smiled softly at Jared and shook his head. “It’s okay. I, well, I’m glad you did. I told my mom. Is that the place?” Jensen pointed with his free hand, his shoulders losing some of the tension as he soaked in some of the relief.

“Wow, yeah.” Jared blinked in surprise. Jared loosened his grasp on Jensen’s hand in case Jensen wanted to pull free and then he pulled the door open. “Let’s just go in and get our drinks and we can sit out here. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen whispered and nodded, hesitating then pushing himself forward into the coffee house. Despite how close it was to their building he’d never been inside before and he couldn’t help looking around, curious. The decorations were all over the place, random posters, license plates, a few tire rims that had Jensen’s eyes widening as he turned to look at Jared.

“It’s not my favorite place in the world but this is just the first step right?” Jared smiled and eased them toward the counter. He could see the tension growing in Jensen and stayed close. Fortunately, it was the right time of day and there weren’t too many people there.

“You know what you want?” Jared smiled at Jensen, slipping in behind him so Jensen could feel his presence.

Jensen didn’t really ever go out for coffee so he wasn’t even sure where to begin. He stared up at the black boards with the lists of weird drinks he’d never heard of. What he did know was that Jared liked sweet coffees and Jensen could enjoy those. “Can I just get what you have?” He asked, stepping back against Jared. The people behind the counter were watching them and Jensen frowned, half tempted to slide behind Jared and hide.

"Sure thing." Jared slipped his hand over Jensen's hip discreetly and felt the man sway back slightly. Smiling he looked up at the menu for a moment. "Can we get a regular mocha with extra chocolate on it and a vanilla latte?" When the barista headed off to start their drinks he leaned down and said "I like both, you can try and we'll switch."

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, smiling softly at the thought. Jared really was the best thing that ever happened to him. He turned slightly, surprised how easy it was to just lean against Jared’s chest. “My mom said it’s okay for you to come to Mack’s wedding, by the way. I- I have to stand up, but you and Christian could sit up front yeah? And when I get nervous I could look at you.”

“And I’ll be right there.” Jared smiled and had to resist the urge to lean down and kiss his boyfriend. _One step at a time_ , he reminded himself. Pulling his wallet out Jared tossed some money on the counter. “I’m excited to meet your sister. Do you think your folks will like me?”

“I think they will. It actually took a while for my mom to get it.” Jensen scratched along his jaw, watching the workers moving behind the counter. “I mean, to believe me. She, they’re all kinda, I dunno. They’re supportive and stuff. Just didn’t think I’d ever get around to dating, since I’m so socially awkward and stuff.”

“You’re not socially awkward. You’re just different.” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hip gently. “I’ll win your mom over. She won’t know what hit her when she gets Padalecki’d.”

Jensen couldn’t help laughing at that. Some part of him - maybe the _Christian_ part - wanted to say something about his own request to be Padalecki’d but he bit his tongue. The barista called out their drink orders and Jensen nearly jumped. He stepped forward with Jared, taking one of the drinks and smiling a thanks at the lady before looking back at Jared. “Outside?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded and smiled. “Let’s enjoy the sun.” As they headed outside Jared reached over to grab some sugar and stir sticks.

There were four metal tables outside and Jared chose the one that was sort of tucked in at the back corner. He thought that Jensen might feel more comfortable a little sheltered. Pushing out the chair he let Jensen choose his seat and put his drink down on the table.

Jensen walked around the table to grab the furthest chair and dragged it closer to Jared’s, dropping down a moment later. It felt weird to be sitting outside, hanging out, and watching people passing by. Even when Christian dragged him out to bars it felt different mainly because Christian acted as a barrier no one would dare cross and Jensen mostly stayed hidden in the corner. “This is good right?” Jensen asked quietly, watching Jared stir one of the drinks.

“Feels pretty good to me.” Jared got comfortable and stretched his long legs out under the table. “Out in the sun with my boyfriend, sweet drink, nothing to do but look forward to tonight.” Grinning, Jared tilted his head to the side and peered at Jensen from under the hair that fell over his eyes.

The smile on Jensen’s lips grew and he picked up the coffee, sipping slowly from it. “Mm, which one was that? I like it.” He didn’t drink coffee much at all and he’d mostly associated the taste with kissing Jared so it was all good in his book.

"That, man-of-my-dreams, is a mocha. Here, try the vanilla latte." Jared added two packets of sugar and stirred his drink then slid it toward Jensen. It was heartwarming to see a smile on his boyfriend's face and Jared sighed happily. It really was kind of a perfect day.

Jensen sipped from the drink and nearly moaned. “I like this one more,” he breathed and took a big drink, wetting his lips after. “Am I really?” Jensen bit at his lip and drummed his fingers on the table. “The man of your dreams I mean.”

Reaching over to pick up the mocha, Jared nodded. “You care about me, you are amazing, interesting, funny, you speak what’s on your mind. Add that fact that you’re drop dead gorgeous and sexier than hell and yeah. You’re the man of my dreams. What about you?”

The warmth in Jensen’s chest was spreading through him and he stared down at his coffee, slightly goofy smile on his lips. “Are you the man of my dreams?” He finally asked, looking over at Jared. “Well, let’s see. You kind of make me feel like I’m floating or something. You make me laugh, and smile, and you’re the first person I’ve gotten close to since before all this shit happened in my life. But I trust you, and I love you, so I’d say, yeah. Pretty much.” Jensen could feel the blush on his cheeks so he looked away, shrugging.

Jared gave up trying not to touch Jensen and slipped his hand over the man's thigh. "Good," he answered quietly. His heart was beating a little faster. "Guess we better stick together then, huh?"

“Sounds like a good idea.” Jensen agreed, laying his hand over Jared’s on his thigh. “Do you think, now that I’ve got you and stuff, that I should encourage Christian to date? I mean, he likes this girl, and I know he’s been real hesitant about dating ‘cause of me. Just don’t want to put all my issues on you either.” This was one of the things Jensen liked most about Jared, he never felt weird about speaking his mind.

“You know. We need to clear something up,” Jared said softly. Putting his coffee back down on the table, Jared turned to face Jensen. “You … and the way you are. That’s not a burden or some kind of thing I have to _put up with_. You are who you are, Jensen. I fell in love with you. The things that you have to deal with, the challenges, whatever... that’s what made you who you are.” Jared shrugged. “It’s just part of you.”

Outside Jared mentioning he was _falling_ in love with him the night of the storm, he hadn’t said anything more on the subject. Jensen had a feeling it was just one of those things Jared did, where he waited to say something when he wasn’t sure how Jensen would react to it. Jensen knew how often Jared was careful not to upset him.

This of course had Jensen’s heart racing and he couldn’t resist leaning forward. He pressed his lips to Jared and mostly froze, not pulling away but not pushing for more. He knew they were in public, he felt the sharp bite of fear running through him, but he just closed his eyes and kept his lips against Jared’s.

Jared curled his fingers over Jensen's hand and whispered, "I love you, Jensen." His lips brushed over Jensen's and he swayed forward just enough for a soft kiss then pulled back.

“Yeah?” Jensen laughed softly, reaching up to tuck hair behind Jared’s ear. “I love you too,” he really liked saying the words, and hearing them, and everything. “Kinda never thought I’d fall in love before you know?”

"Turns out it's a good year for us then." Jared laughed and sat back again as he grabbed his coffee. One of the staff of the coffee shop came out and smiled at them as she cleaned up the tables along the front of the store. Jared grinned at her. "I love him," he said, pointing at Jensen.

The woman laughed and picked up her tray. "All the good ones are taken," she said with a wink at Jensen.

Jensen blushed and looked away, still smiling. “Sorry, not interested in sharing,” he said quietly, shifting when the woman laughed once more. As she walked off Jensen slapped Jared’s arm. “Gonna start telling everyone now?”

“Nah, just wanted to test it out.” Jared grinned and took a sip of his coffee. “Thank you,” he said softly as he stared across the street at the ocean.

“For what?” Jensen asked after a moment, a confused frown pulling his lips down.

“Taking a chance on me.” Jared smiled as he stared out across the table. There weren’t really big enough words to describe how amazing it was that their lives had crossed paths, that Jensen had given him a chance, that everything had all come together to bring them to the point they were at.

Jensen huffed a surprised laugh, not getting why Jared would thank him for something that basically made more sense the other way around. He reached out and curled his fingers around the back of Jared’s neck and turned him, bringing him in for a soft kiss. “Should be thanking you,” he whispered, brushing his nose along Jared’s.

Jared simply smiled against his boyfriend mouth and pressed forward to deepen the kiss for a few moments. “It’s a good day,” he said quietly. It was damn good as far as Jared was concerned.

“A very good day,” Jensen agreed softly, kissing Jared once more before sitting back. “Okay, so tell me about the book you’re looking at now.” He had settled into the comfortable peace Jared inspired in him and as for the future, Jensen was fairly certain he could do something like this again.

o0o

Something about the crash of waves in the distance and the flicker of candlelight was really getting to Jensen. He was pretty sure even if for some horrible reason their relationship came to an end, he’d never be able to hear the sound of the ocean without thinking of the man. Now though, lying in Jared’s bed, Jensen felt a little out of control. Even if they were just talking, Jared sharing some story about his old roommate Chad who - from what Jensen could tell - was kind of insane.

Jared was halfway through a word when Jensen pushed forward, crushing his lips against Jared’s and sliding his tongue swift forward into Jared’s already parted lips. He still wasn’t used to the initiating thing, so he didn’t really have the best timing, but he climbed up into Jared’s lap, fingers sliding back through the man’s hair.

Jared let out a muffled groan and his hands hovered just over Jensen's body for a few moments before settling on his hips. It wasn't that he minded being interrupted; they could always work on Jensen's approach later in their relationship. After managing to pull back long enough to draw in a lung full of air Jared let his hands move up his boyfriend's body.

“Sorry,” Jensen breathed, hands sliding forward along Jared’s chest, mapping out smooth, warm skin. “Just wanted...” he half shrugged and pressed forward to kiss Jared once more, shifting back enough his hands could move further down Jared’s bare chest. Sometimes he wanted Jared so badly it was almost painful but Jensen was really growing addicted to that.

"God," Jared murmured. He was surprised at how quickly his body responded; one minute they were talking and the next Jensen's scorching body was pressing up against his, hands gliding over Jared's skin. It was enough to make him feel a little insane with pleasure.

Jensen's nails scratched lightly down Jared's chest and something inside him kind of surged up. Moaning, Jared slid one hand up to tangle in Jensen's hair, the other hand spreading across the small of the man's back. Sitting up Jared's entire body came alive as he was suddenly pressed flush against his boyfriend, holding him there and sliding his tongue forward to claim the slick heat of his mouth.

Rolling his body forward, Jensen sucked along Jared’s tongue, moaning into the kiss as heat and desire built up in him. He was already more than half way hard, the confining cotton of his briefs making him ache. Or maybe it was just being here, on Jared’s lap, the man’s hands moving steady and sure over his skin.

Jensen wanted _more_. So like before he was in sudden movement again. This time he lurched back, off Jared’s lap, and hooked his thumbs under his briefs. His eyes met Jared’s and he was still panting softly as he pushed the material off and tossed it to the general area his clothes had ended up before. Wetting his lips he crawled forward again, sliding his hand up along Jared’s thigh until his fingertips were touching cotton. “Jared, I want...”

Nodding slowly, Jared laughed softly. “Yeah, I- yeah. Anything - _God_.” His hands were shaking and he gasped softly as he let his eyes trail down Jensen’s body. Leaning back, Jared watched as Jensen’s hands slid up until his fingers curled over the waistband of his boxers. He lifted his hips as the material slid down and moaned when the cool ocean breeze his the fiery flesh of his cock. “Jen...”

The air caught in Jensen’s throat as stared down at Jared’s exposed flesh. He’d tried to picture before what Jared would look like naked but this was so much more intense. Jensen wet his lips, his fingers trembling slightly as he reached out, slowly trailing the tips of his fingers along the full length of Jared’s hard cock. It twitched as Jared moaned and Jensen inhaled sharply. “Jesus,” he whispered, forcing his eyes up to Jared. “Anything?”

"You, it's - you gotta take the lead on this Jensen." Jared lifted a shaking hand as he pushed himself back up and let is trailed down the center of Jensen's chest. The barely-there touch of Jensen's finger tips made him shiver and he smiled and blew out a breath as his hand fell to Jensen's thigh.

“I want,” Jensen frowned slightly, not sure he could get himself to say what he wanted. Jared’s skin was burning against his fingers and Jensen slowly curled each finger over the man, looking back up to make sure it was okay. “I want you to, I want. God, Jared, I want you to fuck me.” It came out in a rush, the words tumbling from his lips and Jensen’s fingers moved down the full length of.

Jared's lashes fluttered closed for a few moments and then it was like a switch just flicked on and he was in motion. Jensen was in his arms and Jared rolled them to the side then stretched his body out along the length of Jensen's. His hands slid up his boyfriend's arms until their fingers twined together as he gazed down at Jensen's darkening eyes. "Are you sure," he said softly; his voice was hardly more than a low rumble.

The flash of want that burned through Jensen when Jared suddenly moved him was enough to have his hips moving up against Jared, desperate for some type of relief. “God, yeah,” Jensen slowly nodded, wetting his lips and staring bleary eyed up at Jared. “That- just, fuck, you over me? It’s so hot I can’t stand it.” He laughed nervously and squirmed beneath Jared. “You- is that- do you want it?”

"Jensen?" Jared leaned closer, lips brushing against Jensen's as he spoke. "Can't you tell?" His hips pressed down and the hard line of his cock slid alongside Jensen's. They both moaned and Jared held Jensen there, smiling shakily as lust coiled dark and heavy within him.

“Seems just, the right moment.” Jensen’s body was in constant movement, shifting up into Jared for more of the delicious friction. “Just us, the ocean, candles.” Jensen pushed up to capture Jared’s lips in another long, deep kiss.

Heart pounding, Jared loosened his hold on Jensen's hands and returned the kiss. It was intense; waves of pleasure were already rolling through his body but Jensen's touch was like that. It was like stepping into a hot shower, the shocking sting becoming a dull burn. Moaning again, Jared slid down Jensen’s body. His lips moved over Jensen’s jaw, down his neck and along his collar bone. Warm flesh passed under his mouth and he pressed gentle kisses, nipped and dragged his tongue along each curve.

“Jared,” Jensen moaned, hand settling over the back of Jared’s skull, sliding through his lover’s hair. “God, your lips,” he whispered and writhed under Jared’s touch. His entire body was sparking, the pleasure enough to make Jensen question whether he’d even last long enough to get to actual sex. Then his stomach churned with nerves and he swallowed thickly, closing his eyes as his vision blurred. “Does it hurt?” He asked softly, teeth scraping along his bottom lip.

Jared stilled and breathed out against Jensen's chest. Thoughts racing, he shifted off Jensen's body and settled against his side, chin resting on his boyfriend's shoulder. "A little," he murmured against Jensen's ear. "I'll take care of you."

Hand smoothing over Jensen's belly, Jared rolled his hips forward slowly. The heat welling in his body wasn't fading and he could see by the sheen of sweat on Jensen's forehead that he was still feeling it as well. Flicking his tongue along the velvet soft flesh of Jensen's earlobe, Jared slid his hand down to curl around his lover's shaft.

Jensen gasped, each touch surprising him only because he felt a little like he wasn’t even _here_. “Might be losing my mind,” Jensen whispered and choked on a laugh, trailing off in a moan. “The way you make me feel, god Jared, it’s insane.” He tilted his head toward Jared so their lips could meet softly. His hips rolled up into Jared’s touch, his legs spread wider as he dug his heels into the mattress. “Please,” he moaned, tongue sliding out to flick over Jared’s lips.

Reaching down at the head of the bed Jared grabbed the lube he’d left there earlier. Maybe he’d hoped that it would be the night that things went further, maybe, he’d hoped that a few times. It wasn’t like he wasn’t human, after all.

As he slicked up his fingers, he sucked at the skin just below Jensen’s ear. “God,” he murmured. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

Jensen shuddered with the words, Jared’s deep voice and hot puffs of air sending pleasure coursing intense through him. His hand fell out to the side, fingers twisting and curling in the bed sheets as Jared’s lips moved over his neck, marking his skin. Jensen loved when Jared marked him. It made him feel claimed, owned by Jared and there was nothing better than that.

“What-” Jensen sucked in a shaky breath and tilted his head toward Jared. “What will you do?” He knew the basics of what would happen, but not the specifics, not the little details that he was sure were important. And yeah, part of him just wanted to hear Jared’s deep, lust thick voice explaining exactly what he’d be doing to Jensen.

“Gonna make you feel good,” Jared whispered. His fingers slid down Jensen’s length and quested lower, smoothing over the man’s balls and squeezing gently. “Gonna open you up for me, get you all slick and wanting it. Want you so hot that you can’t stop moving, so that all you can think about is me fucking you.” Chasing the words along Jensen’s skin, Jared’s tongue flicked out and trailed down the corded muscles in his boyfriend’s neck.

“Oh god,” Jensen gasped, head tilting back to give Jared all the room he could possibly want. The skittering touch of Jared’s fingers on his skin was a little maddening and Jensen rocked back into the touch, moaning long and low in the back of his throat. It felt like Jared’s words were playing repeat in his mind, _me fucking you_ , and Jensen couldn’t possibly get enough. “I want that,” he breathed, fingers digging into Jared’s hair. “Now.”

Waiting was becoming less and less of an option and _slowly_ a thing of the past. Jared was lost between wanting to just get as close to Jensen as he could and wanting to make sure the night never ended. Another moan from Jensen’s swollen lips convinced him.

Fingers of one hand tangling in Jensen’s hair, Jared slid his other hand slower until the pad of his finger could rub at the tight bud of flesh that nearly launched Jensen’s body off the bed. Jared’s lips caught the cry of pleasure that burst from Jensen’s mouth and he swept it up with his tongue, moaning and pressing at Jensen’s opening.

The first stretch of his muscles apart had Jensen jerking back, shock and surprise causing his eyes to flutter wide open. “Fuck, fuck.” He shouldn’t be so thrown just by one finger sliding up into him but Jensen had never felt anything like it. The faintest sting and burn, Jared touching him in such a private, intimate way.

Jensen pushed up and crushed his lips to Jared’s, rocking back against the man’s finger, taking him as deep as Jared wanted to go. “God I love you,” he breathed into the kiss, trying not to thrust his hips down onto Jared’s finger considering how needy it would make him.

Jared's heart slammed into his rib cage. Watching Jensen was making him a little dizzy, drunk, lust was beating him down slowly and all he could do was slide his finger deeper. Each moan of Jensen's sent shivers down Jared's spine. When Jensen could reach Jared's lips he kissed him with the most intoxicating combination of surrender and want and Jared found it a little difficult to breathe.

As Jensen writhed and twisted beneath him, Jared slid a second into the slick heat of his boyfriend's ass. Spreading his fingers slightly he rolled forward to half cover Jensen, keep him there - _safe_ and his - possessed. "You're mine," he whispered against his boyfriend's full lips.

Lips parting in another low moan, Jensen caught Jared’s lips, thrusting his tongue forward and giving in to rocking his ass down onto Jared’s fingers. “Yours,” he gasped after a moment, clenching his muscles around the moving fingers. They brushed up, spread apart, and brushed against some part of Jensen that made his vision blur. His spine twisted as he writhed onto Jared’s fingers, trying to find that place again.

"God," Jared hissed. "You're gorgeous. Could watch you like this all night." His voice was thick and rich and he leaned down to latch onto the sweat slick skin below Jensen's jaw. As he sucked on the salty skin, his fingers continued to work Jensen open, slow and deliberate - teasing until he found the spot once more that made Jensen jolt up against him.

Three fingers and Jensen's cheeks were flushed deep red. Jared kissed his way back up to Jensen's glistening lips and thrust his tongue forward as he spread his fingers wide. Each time Jensen arched his body up, Jared caught him with kisses and thrust his tongue forward until Jensen shuddered back down to the bed.

“You,” Jensen gasped into the kiss and pulled back from the kiss once more, nose sliding along Jared’s, body moving restlessly down against his fingers. “Pl-please Jared, fuck me.” He jerked back enough to blink his eyes open and stare at Jared, eyes wide, lips swollen. “Been dreamin’ ‘bout it, you in me, how amazing it’ll feel.” Jensen’s nails drug along Jared’s shoulder, down his arms, over every inch of him.

Jared gasped then let out the breath in a shudder. Withdrawing his fingers, Jared grabbed Jensen's hip and rolled him up until they were lying face to face on their sides. "Okay," Jared whispered.

He lifted Jensen's thigh and hooked it over his hip so he could pull his boyfriend closer. "Just say the word if-" Jared's words caught in his throat when Jensen's hips rocked forward. Their cocks slid together and Jared moaned, biting down hard on Jensen's bottom lip. Gathering Jensen into his arms Jared rolled onto his back. The weight of Jensen's body, the heat of him made Jared shiver with _want_.

Reaching over Jensen's thigh, Jared grabbed his cock and slid the head forward along the crack of Jensen's ass until he felt the twitching muscle. "Okay Jen?" Jared's mouth was trailing wet and soft across his boyfriend's lips.

“Yes, god yes,” Jensen gasped, squirming both into Jared’s body and back down against his cock, struggling for _more_. How Jared managed to drive him so insane, Jensen wasn’t sure, but he certainly couldn’t get enough. Not even close to enough.

His fingers slid back into Jared’s hair and he clung tightly, dipping forward and parting his lips to run slick and hard against his lover’s neck. He loved the taste of his lover’s skin, the salty warmth, and he sucked hard enough to leave a mark because there was nothing quite so hot as marking Jared.

Somehow Jared managed to hold it together enough to restrain Jensen. He gripped Jensen’s hips hard and lowered him slowly. Each maddening inch he slid deeper into his lover’s heat made his heart beat faster and his breathing more labored. “Jen,” he groaned.

The words died on Jensen’s tongue, because Jared was sinking into him, claiming him, and he’d never felt something as amazing. It hurt more than he thought it would, but really Jensen didn’t mind. Because it was _Jared_ and more than anything he wanted this, wanted the man to take him. His lips parted and closed soundlessly, hands fluttering over Jared’s shoulders.

“It’s okay,” Jared whispered. “God, Jen, you’re gorgeous.” His hands slid over Jensen’s back, smoothing the pained expression away from Jensen’s face as he slid deeper inside his lover. Shaking with the strain of holding back, Jared moaned and ran his hand up Jensen’s side to cup his cheek. “Love you,” he murmured.

Jensen breathed in shallow, slow breaths, finally clenching his eyes shut as he adjusted to the discomfort, to the feel of Jared so thoroughly taking him. He never thought the man would get all the way in and then he was, Jensen felt stretch, pulled apart, one hundred percent taken and nothing had ever been better. “Love you too,” he managed to gasp, muscles rippling around Jared. “H-how’s it feel?”

"Jesus," Jared hissed. "Perfect, hot - _fuck_ \- Jensen - I can't even-" Jared's breath hitched and he just couldn't take it anymore. His hips rocked up slowly and he pulled Jensen down and everything kind of exploded into sensation and Jared buried his face in Jensen's neck. "Fuck," he whispered.

“Do it,” Jensen groaned and rocked against his lover, the too shallow little move enough to make his mind spin. “Please, Jared. God, just fuck me.” The words sounded deep and dirty to his own ears, Jensen almost couldn’t believe it came from him. Though clearly Jared was affecting every single part of him.

Jensen's words ricocheted through Jared's body and he rocked his hips up hard into Jensen's body. The heat was overwhelming, the slick flesh that clenched around his cock and Jared's heart clenched tight with emotion. Rocking up again he felt Jensen's surrender once more, the man's body melting into his, their sweat mingling, their arms wrapped tight around each other as their bodies moved together.

Each slid of Jared’s cock had Jensen shuddering and he moved back, rocked down to meet Jared’s next thrust. “So, perfect,” he gasped and flattened his hands on Jared’s chest, clenching around him. Jensen felt like he was just barely bound to the bed, kept down by Jared holding him and Jensen moaned weakly.

The way Jensen was moving on him gave rise to a swell of lust again that started deep inside Jared. Growling, he loosened his grip only long enough to grip Jensen's shoulders and roll them. Hands catching the back of Jensen's thighs he pressed him down against the mattress, eyes locking with Jensen's as his hips snapped forward. The first thrust was hard, heaven and Jared shuddered as a loud moan tore from his body.

“ _Jesus_ , Jared,” Jensen gasped and forced his gaze to stay locked on Jared’s because the dark burning intensity in his eyes was enough to send Jensen hurtling dangerously close to the edge. He rocked down against his lover, meeting each thrust, and Jensen nearly saw stars the moment Jared’s cock hit that spot in him once more. He was going to come but it felt like too soon. Because he never wanted this to end.

Sweat dripped off Jared's brow and he thrust hard into Jensen's ass. Holding himself up with one hand planted at Jensen's side he reached down to drag his hand up the length of Jensen's shaft. The skin of his boyfriend's cock was flushed red, and it was swollen, heavy and full across his palm. "Jen, want you to come."

As if that were all Jensen was waiting for, he lost control of himself in the next moment. His hips jerked up into Jared’s touch, his muscles tightening around the man and every part of him tensed.

“Jared,” he moaned low in his throat and his nails dug into Jared’s shoulders. He could still feel Jared along every part of him, buried deep in him, stroking through his release and Jensen dropped his forearm over his mouth, biting down hard to keep from screaming.

Jensen's come was hot across Jared arm and as it splattered against his chest. Swearing under his breath, Jared fucked hard into Jensen for the span of a few more heartbeats and his lust blew apart inside of him. Dizzy, weak and fucking overwhelmed, Jared came so hard his vision faded a little. Jensen's ass was still twitching and pulsing around his cock and Jared could feel each painfully pleasurable pulse of his own shaft.

Finally, with a deep breath in, Jared collapsed on his boyfriend's body. He could feel Jensen trembling under him and groaned as he slid his arms under the man's body and held him almost painfully tight.

Tucking his arms between them, Jensen moaned softly with the lingering pleasure, chest shaking with each heavy and thick pant. “Jared,” he breathed, legs just barely running along Jared’s hips and thighs. “That was just...” He couldn’t believe it really, the way his body was still humming, the desire to have Jared in him all the time. Jensen was fairly certain he would never feel something so perfect again.

Laughing softly, Jared just nodded slowly and kissed his way lazily down Jensen's neck. The scent of _them_ was all around him, mingling with the cool ocean air blowing in the window and Jared pulled back enough to stare down at Jensen. The man was _fucking_ beautiful. Jensen's eyes were wide and dark, his skin flushed under a sheen of sweat and his hair was tousled in a way that made Jared reach up to grab a hand full of it again.

Frowning slightly he tried to think of words that would let Jensen know the depth of everything he felt, how his heart felt so full it might burst. Still shivering with pleasure, body twitching as his muscles relaxed he just took in a shaky breath and smiled before placing the softest kiss to Jensen's lips.

“Was I okay?” Jensen asked, slightly nervous as he clung feebly to Jared even when the man pulled back enough for him to slip free. Logically Jensen knew they couldn’t stay that way forever but god did he want that. He was a little worried the way he’d reacted was too much, like maybe that clingy thing was getting old.

“Okay?” Jared laughed weakly and slid off Jensen’s body. “You were a-amazing.” Still panting slightly he half laughed again and slipped his arm under Jensen’s neck to pull him closer. Unable to tear his gaze away from Jensen’s, Jared ran his fingers through the damp strands of golden brown hair. “Amazing. Just like everything else you do.”

Managing a soft smile, Jensen turned into Jared, humming softly. “Think you were amazing. God, I loved that,” he breathed and gently ran his hand down Jared’s arm. He couldn’t imagine it getting better than this, no matter what might happen in his life, and Jensen never wanted to leave the warmth and safety of this bed. “Gonna do that a lot now, yeah?”

Humming his agreement low and deep, Jared nuzzled into Jensen’s neck. “Many times as you want, many ways as you want.” He licked his way up his boyfriend’s neck and sighed as rested his cheek on Jensen’s shoulder. “You okay? Honest?”

Jared still worried a little. Sometimes things seemed perfect and other times he saw a hint of that fear in Jensen’s eyes. There was none of that tonight and Jared felt hope sliding into his mind.

“More than okay. Better than I can remember being in a long, long time.” Jensen sighed wistfully at the thought. Jared made him feel like he could do anything and Jensen was amazed he hadn’t tried yet, because part of him just wanted to scream from the balcony that he _loved_ this man.

“Maybe a little insane,” Jensen added with a quiet laugh, nuzzling into Jared’s side. He let his legs tangle with his boyfriend’s, body nearly draping over his once more. “Love you,” he breathed, pressing his lips softly to Jared’s.

“You were already insane. I love that about you.” Jared smoothed Jensen’s damp hair back and grinned. “Grab my shirt. I think it’s on the floor behind you.” He liked watching Jensen’s body move, the way his skin stretched and his muscles curved.

“Move?” Jensen repeated incredulously and groaned as he forced himself to roll, nearly falling off onto the floor as he dipped down and grabbed the shirt then tossed it at Jared. “There goes the last of my energy, totally passing out now.” Jensen smirked at his lover as he crawled back to his side.

Jared wiped the shirt along Jensen’s belly then his own and tossed it behind him. “If you wake up before me? Stay. Don’t go anywhere. I wanna wake up with you here in my arms.” Jared smiled as Jensen nestled in against his chest and tucked his arm round his boyfriend’s shoulders.

“Sounds like a good plan,” Jensen breathed, eyes already closing. “Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me.” He tilted his lips toward Jared’s chest, letting them linger there.

Cupping the back of Jensen’s neck, Jared smiled and kissed the top of his head. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Jensen managed to whisper before sleep caught up with him and he drifted off with a smile on his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

The nerves that were curling through Jensen were nearly painful. He couldn’t do this. Why he thought he was capable of it was beyond him. In less than an hour they’d expect him to be standing in front of the whole room, smiling and supporting this supposedly wonder-union. Jensen was sure it was a good thing, he liked the guy his sister marrying well enough, but there were limits.

“Jared?” Jensen walked out of his boyfriend’s room, forcing himself to stop fiddling with the tie. “Remind me again why I have to do...” Jensen trailed off as his eyes landed on the nice curve of his boyfriend’s ass under well fitted dress slacks. “I want to just stay here and stare at you,” he breathed, stepping forward until his fingers could touch the muscle, squeezing softly.

Laughing, Jared turned and took a long appreciative gaze at Jensen in his tuxedo. “Wow, I - okay, I might need a little reminding myself why we’re going anywhere. You’re pretty damn hot.” He pushed Jensen’s hair back and cupped his face to bring him in for a kiss. “Because you can’t make me go alone to your sister’s wedding?”

“Christian could just go for us, my family likes him more anyway,” Jensen murmured and stepped into Jared, slipping hands under his suit coat and flattening his palm on the crisp white shirt beneath. “You’re the most gorgeous person in the entire world, you know that?” He swayed forward so his lips could brush Jared’s jaw. There was nothing more amazing than his boyfriend.

“I think you’re biased.” Jared smiled and took a deep breath. “You look amazing and your sister is so excited. This is the best wedding present you ever could have given her; she told me that, you know?”

Meeting Jensen’s family had been great. Probably because they were all a little worried about Jensen, the immediate family had gathered at Jensen and Christian’s the night before for a coffee and some of Jensen’s famous cookies. Jared liked the cookies and the family.

“She also said...” Jared tapped the end of his finger on the end of Jensen’s nose. “She’s never seen you look happier and being in love _suits_ you.” Grinning proudly Jared laughed again.

“It does seem to suit me,” Jensen agreed quietly and pressed a soft kiss to Jared’s lips. “I think I’d like to marry you sometime. We’d make a dashingly handsome married couple. And, considering how well things are going with Christian and his girl I might need to start thinking about moving some time soon.” Jensen swayed them back and forth slowly, staring at Jared’s collarbone because it was easier than meeting his gaze.

"Jensen?" Jared hooked a finger under Jensen's chin and tilted it up till they made eye contact. "Are you actually saying you might move in here?" A smile tugged at Jared's lips as he tried to keep his expression calm. _Marry you_ was kind of echoing around in his mind and he wasn't sure he was ready to admit how happy those words made him.

Wetting his lips slowly, Jensen curled his fingers around Jared’s hips, his heart skipping a beat. “I... yeah. Yeah Jared, I am saying that. I would. Move in here. And... marry you.” Jensen exhaled slowly, a little rush of dizzying pleasure washing through him. “Would... you ask me to? Move in here I mean.”

"I'll - would I? Jesus." Jared slid his arms tight around Jensen's waist and gazed down at him. His smiled faded; expression softening to something he wasn't sure could ever truly reflect how much love he felt for the man standing in front of him. "Jensen, move in with me. As soon as you can. I hate sleeping without you here and ... it's lonely when you're not around. Please. Yes. The marriage thing though - there's ... something I gotta do first." He winked.

“Something you gotta do?” Jensen asked quietly, his voice no more than a whisper as he leaned into Jared. When a moment passed and Jared said nothing Jensen laughed softly. “Yes, I’ll move in with you, as soon as I can. I can’t imagine anything better. Now what do you have to do?”

“ _I_ am a Texas boy. Gotta ask your Dad for his blessing.” Jared smiled into Jensen’s hair and slid his hand over his boyfriend’s cheek. “Think he’ll say okay?” He knew damn well what Jensen’s father would say and his smile widened.

Jensen’s laugh was surprised and pleased. “I think he will,” Jensen murmured, trying to imagine his father’s expression. They had absolutely adored Jared, unsurprisingly, and Jensen was maybe more in love with his boyfriend now than before. That was unlikely but whatever. “I think my entire family will be so excited we’ll have to pry their arms off us.”

“We’ve come a long way you and me.” Jared sighed and squeezed Jensen so tight his boyfriend groaned.

“We sure have,” Jensen breathed and slid forward, tilting his lips against Jared’s Jensen pushed hard forward into the kiss, arms slipping around his boyfriend. He couldn’t even express how much he loved this man, there weren’t words big enough, and Jensen couldn’t help moaning into the kiss. Jared was the best thing that ever happened to him. At times Jensen just wanted to climb up his boyfriend and never leave. His hands tangled back into his lover’s hair and he kept him there because there was nothing better.

The kiss heated up quickly and Jared found himself panting slightly when he pulled away. “You’re killin’ me here,” he murmured. “Dress slacks? Hot you, kissing. God.” Laughing softly he held Jensen out at arm’s length. “Should we get going? Don’t want you to be late to the wedding - ‘cause you know, it might tarnish my reputation as the perfect boyfriend.”

“Damn you being on time and whatever,” Jensen grumbled, pulling out of Jared’s touch but smiling at him. “So, outside looking hot, do I look okay for today? All these people are gonna be watching me.” Jensen was ridiculously nervous. He’d nearly passed out during the dress rehearsal and only a few people had been watching then.

“I’ll be in the front row, almost right behind you. You feel bad at all, all you have to do is take about half a step back and I’ll be _right_ there, remember?” Jared picked up the car keys and put them in his pocket along with his wallet. Stepping closer he smoothed Jensen’s tie down and straightened it slightly. “That’s the thing about you and me; you never have to go anywhere alone anymore if you don’t want too.”

Jensen looked up at Jared for a long moment then nodded, soft smile on his face. “Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I can do this, with you there. Of course, cause I love you,” Jensen whispered and tilted up for a deep kiss once more. He loved kissing Jared; it was the best feeling in the entire world. Well, almost the best feeling. Jared kind of monopolized all of them.

Shaking his head slowly Jared pushed Jensen back again. "You're stalling," he said softly. "And, you're making me hard and _that_ is going to be really obvious in these pants."

“You make it hard to have any desire to go out there,” Jensen grumbled but he pulled completely away, turning to dip down and grab his shoes. “You’re happy right?” He asked as he slipped on his shoes, bent down to slip the shoes on. “Your life is good?”

That little pinch of sadness that Jared was so used to made him wince momentarily. It still saddened Jared that his boyfriend could be as amazing as he was and yet still be so insecure. "I've never been happier," Jared said quietly. "Never."

“Yeah? Good.” Jensen grinned as he straightened up, clicking his shoes together. “I’m really glad, that I helped you I mean. I was really trying. Am trying. I want to be the best for you always.” Jensen blew out a low, aggravated noise. “Forget me; I keep saying ridiculous things that don’t matter.”

Closing the distance between them once more, Jared slid his hand over the back of Jensen's neck. "Hey. You're not saying anything ridiculous. You've changed my life, Jensen. I can't even - I can't remember what it was like not to have you in my life. You were perfect the day I met you." Tears welled in Jared’s eyes and he sighed. “Look what you did,” he said as he laughed.

“Your mascara will run,” Jensen whispered through the brilliant smile on his lips. “Jared? If I hadn’t met you I would never know how complete I could feel. Seriously, you’re the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you so deeply because of that.” Jensen sighed wistfully and ran his fingertips along Jared’s jaw. “We are _so_ sappy.”

Jared laughed and slid his arms lower so he could pick Jensen up and swing him round once. “Yes we are, but it’s a wedding, right? We’re supposed to be sappy. That is, if we ever get there,” he added.

Setting Jensen back down, Jared checked his watch. “That’s it Jensen. Last call. Got everything?”

Looking around one last time, Jensen slowly nodded then offered his hand out to Jared. “Okay, let’s go.” At this rate they might be late but whatever, it’s not like they’d start without him. Okay, maybe they would, assuming he chickened out. “Christian said he’d be outside, right?”

“Yup. He’s pickin’ up Kendra and waiting in the parking lot for us.” Jared headed toward the door, tugging Jensen along. He still got a little jealous sometimes, but he knew that Christian’s friendship was important to Jensen; a lifeline and the only one that he’d had for a very long time.

“Okay, good.” Jensen nodded. He liked Kendra okay, she was very sweet, though sometimes Jensen felt like she didn’t understand him, or was jealous of him for some weird reason.

They made it downstairs a few minutes later and sure enough Christian was waiting, looking more than a little impatient. Jensen couldn’t help chuckling at that as he and Jared climbed into the backseat. Jensen was instantly up against Jared’s side, draping an arm over his lap and pulling him tight close to his side.

“It was Jensen’s fault, Christian.” Jared smirked when Jensen smacked him.

“Yeah I’m sure it was,” Christian muttered, sounding just a little doubtful. Mostly because when it came to the two of them there was no real way to tell who was telling the truth. On most occasions, they both held equal responsibility for being late. “Jen, you ready for this?”

Jensen looked up and met Christian’s soft gaze, smiling at him. “Sure, I can do it.” When Christian smiled back and nodded Jensen felt like he’d made the man proud somehow. He twisted toward Jared, laying a head on his shoulder and sighing wistfully. “When we get married can we just elope so no one’s there?”

“What? And pass up on another opportunity to see Christian in a tux?” It wasn’t hard for Jared to reach forward and squeeze Christian’s shoulder even with Jensen plastered to his side. He could tell Jensen was a little on edge, could feel the tension in him, but - they had been through some things together and Jared was confident they could manage this one.

“I’m sure we could come up with some other reason for Christian to get in a tux,” Jensen huffed quietly, looping his arm low around Jared’s waist. “Man, I can’t do this. Who the hell decided I could do this? Which one of you is responsible for this?”

“He is,” Christian said quickly before Jared could respond. “It was completely him encouraging you. I was totally ready to let you back out.”

Jared smiled at Jensen and slid down a little in the seat so he could wrap his boyfriend in his arms. “We talked about this right? I’ll be there. Christian will be there and Kendra. You like Kendra.” Jared winked when Jensen looked up at him, normally full lips a thin line. He knew that Kendra was still sort of _finding her way_ in their group. “I love you. You need someone... what do you do?”

“What do I do?” Jensen repeated, curious frown on his face. After a moment of thinking he shrugged and leaned back into Jared. “Think of all the good things I suppose. Whatever it takes to make me able to handle this whole thing. And I do like Kendra, for the record.”

“Good to know,” Kendra said quietly with just the faintest laugh, half turning in her seat until she could spot Jensen. “I like you too for what’s worth.”

A noise close to a snort came from Christian and Jensen reached out to smack the back of his head. “Hey, watch it Ackles. You may be dating bigfoot now but don’t think I can’t totally take you.”

“We talked about this,” Jared said softly. Sliding down a little further he pressed his lips to Jensen’s cheek then mouthed his way black slowly so he could whisper. “You just reach back and I’ll be right there, front row. Remember?” His tongue flicked out to trace down the velvet soft skin of Jensen’s ear.

Jensen couldn’t help the soft moan at that and he nodded slowly. “Okay, just reach back.” Jensen nodded slowly. He could handle that. Jared would only be a few feet away at all times, Jensen could handle that. “I can do this,” he murmured softly and turned toward Jared, capturing his lips in a slow, deep kiss.

Jared's heart did that strange flipping slide thing that he'd gotten used to. Sometimes, Jensen kissed him like there was no one else in the world, no where he'd rather be than _right_ there. It made Jared's head spin a little the way he felt about Jensen, made his head spin a lot sometimes. Jensen's lips were soft, smooth, about the most inviting thing in the world and Jared was a little startled when he heard Kendra's laughter drift back from the front seat. Clearing his throat he pulled back a little and bumped his nose against Jensen's. “Together,” he said softly.

“Mmhmm,” Jensen hummed softly, forehead dropping against Jared’s. Really, he’d rather just be hiding in the warmth and comfort of Jared’s apartment. “Together.”

“You two are so romantic and sweet together,” Kendra said quietly, a soft sigh on her lips.

“Don’t encourage them,” Christian muttered, shaking his head with the faintest of laughs.

“You know, Christian? Maybe you and I could go shopping for romantic gifts next week - you know for our sweet hearts.” Jared made sure as he moved closer to Jensen that his knee dug in the back of Christian’s seat. Laughing, he brushed his lips over Jensen’s temple. “You’ll be fine,” he added in a whisper.

“Yeah Jensen and if you chicken out, I’m sure Jared would just get up and stand with you anyway. Lord knows he’s that hopelessly romantic.” Christian’s eyeroll was strong enough Jensen could _feel_ it. Then Christian was hissing with the sound of a smack up in the front seat. “Ow, god, what was that for.”

“Be nice to the boys, just because you’re jealous that you can’t show your own romantic side. I guarantee boys, he says just as many cute and ridiculously sappy things to me as he you two do.” Kendra grinned back at them, laughing when Christian feebly attempted a protest.

“I’m sure he does.” Jensen laughed, twisting round even more until he was nearly plastered to Jared’s side. “Would you really stand up there with me?”

“Of course I would,” Jared said quickly. What he didn’t tell Jensen was that he’d already spoke to Mack about it. Well, Mack had brought it up really. In the middle of their quick conversation about how much Jensen had changed, she’d mentioned that whatever Jensen needed to get through the ceremony was okay with her.

Smiling brightly, Jared shifted around again. “You know - the back seat is pretty small Christian. Are we almost there?”

“It’s not small when you’re not trying to lie on top of each other.” Christian pointed out with a smirk then a nod. “Pulling in now your Highnesses.”

“Christian, honestly,” Kendra sighed but Jensen was pretty sure there was something fond in her voice. If he had to guess, the couple were more than smitten with each other.

Jensen watched out the window as they pulled up to the church, his heart sinking as nerves picked up speed in him and his skin instantly felt cold and clammy. Jensen knew his body had stiffened, his entire demeanor changing, and he swallowed thickly to try and control it.

"When I marry you," Jared began softly, "I was thinkin', what if we have the ceremony on the beach right across from the apartment?" His hands moved comfortingly on Jensen's shoulder as he felt his boyfriend's muscles tensing. "We could open up both apartments after and have the reception there." Without even thinking about it Jared lowered his voice, speaking softly, slowly and watching Jensen's expression. "Christian could play for us on his guitar, Mack and Kendra could scatter rose petals all around."

The words had their desired affecting, causing Jensen to melt against Jared and smile softly. “That all sounds rather beautiful,” he breathed, forehead coming to rest against the man’s. Sometimes he thought about how far they’d come, how far _he’d_ come, and it almost didn’t seem possible. Just a few months ago he’d been terrified to leave his home for any reason, now he had Jared, and the man filled so many of those places in him. “Will we have to say our own vows? Make them up?”

“That’s the thing - it’ll be _our_ wedding so we can do whatever we want. Just a few words. Bare feet on the sand? Whatcha think?” Jared smiled, taking just a few extra minutes in the car to make sure that Jensen was going to be okay.

“I think I want to marry you right now,” Jensen whispered, letting his nose brush along Jared’s. “I’m sure my sister would forgive us if she knew it were for an epic beach wedding.” Jensen laughed, knowing the excuse wouldn’t fly. No matter how far he had come however, this was a little too much and Jensen didn’t feel ready for it.

Jared reached out for Jensen’s hand and squeezed it gently. “You good?”

“Got no real choice but to be.” Jensen shrugged, giving Jared a half smile before turning to climb out of the car. Most of their family and friends were already filing into the church, some stopping to wave at him, and Jensen barely waved back before turning to look at Jared who stood beside him. “Awesome sex tonight as a reward?”

“Absolutely,” Jared said quickly. Threading his fingers through Jensen’s he took a few slow steps toward the Church. “When we get married,” he smirked as he said the words again. “I think we should get matching rings that have the same design or something on them. I like the idea of you wearing my ring. Always having a reminder of me no matter where you are.” Jared’s smile softened as they drew closer to the front steps and Jensen’s fingers tightened on his. “I was also thinking that I want a puppy.”

“Whoa, a puppy and marriage? Trying to freak me out with all this commitment talk?” Jensen’s brows lifted but he didn’t do very well at hiding the grin on his face. He knew mostly Jared was trying to distract him, keep him from freaking out about the upcoming ceremony, but he was also pretty sure Jared wasn’t lying. “If we’re getting married on the beach does that mean we’ll wear all white? Isn’t that what people do?”

“Linen, yeah.” Jared had actually put some real thought into it. He liked the idea -and the first time that he and Jensen had gone out together it had been to that stretch of beach across the street. “The puppy can come later, but...” Jared stopped on the top step. The doors to the Church were wide open and he could see Mack peeking around the corner. “We gotta go in but...” Jared glanced over at Mack and nodded.

Jensen looked past Jared to where he’d glanced, smiling at the flash of his sister in bright white before his gaze settled on Jared once more. “But what?” He squeezed Jared’s hands in his; pulling the last bit of confidence he could from the man before he’d have to go and take his place up front. Even if Jared would only be a few feet away.

Swallowing, Jared looked over at Mack once more and the people who had turned to look back down the aisle. Mack grinned and Jared turned back to Jensen then dropped down onto one knee. Pressing Jensen's hand to his chest Jared licked his lips then turned his gaze upward. "Marry me, Jensen. Soon, as soon as we can. Say you will."

They’d been talking about this, obviously, and Jensen had assumed Jared meant what he said. But seeing him here, on one knee, made Jensen’s eyes widen and water. “Really?” He breathed, laughing in surprise. “God, yeah. Duh. Of course. Just, I can’t believe you’re asking right here.” Jensen looked around him, most people were inside now but still, it was pretty damn near as public as it could get. “Stand up and kiss me before I pass out.”

Laughing, Jared pushed up quickly and breathed softly against Jensen's lips for a few moments. "You've got a wedding to get to Mister." Pressing a soft kiss to his boyfriend's lips, Jared smiled when he heard Mack's laughter.

“My mom is going to flip when she finds out you proposed to me outside Mack’s wedding.” Jensen pressed up into the kiss, letting his lips linger against Jared’s as his fingers gripped the man’s arms. “I love you so much Jared. It’s stupid but just, thank you.” Jensen could never fully express how much this man had changed life for him.

Jared just nodded, his words tangled up in the swell of emotion he could feel.

Mack stepped forward and her laughter rang out again. "Jensen, are you two trying to upstage me on my wedding day?" Her eyes sparkled with tears and Jared stepped forward quickly.

"Don't cry, Mack!" He waved his hand in front of her face and laughed. "Jensen, do something, tell a joke."

“Uh, Christian still sleeps with that stuffed horse Mom and Dad gave him that one Christmas when his parents were out of town.” Jensen shrugged, smiling hopefully at his sister before he pulled out a tissue to offer it to her. “That’s funny right?”

"Wait - how do _you_ know what Christian sleeps with?" Jared asked.

Mack burst out laughing and Jared winked at his boyfriend.

“Oh, Jensen,” Mack sighed as she laughed again. Leaning forward she kissed her brother’s cheek. “Would you two get in there so I can get married?”

Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand and tugged him toward the aisle. “Come on, she’s laughing. If her make up gets ruined now it won’t be our fault.” Jared spun and nearly ran into Jensen’s father. “Hey, Mr. Ackles. I just asked your son to marry me, is that okay with you?”

Jensen watched the momentary surprise flicker across his dad’s face before the man was laughing and clapping Jared on the shoulder. “Completely okay with me. That’s great news. Don’t tell your mother, she’s been an emotional wreck all morning.”

“Noted,” Jensen muttered, hand sliding down to pinch Jared’s ass. “Stop telling everyone, people will want to start hugging me soon and there’s only so much I can stand in one day.”

Jared pulled Jensen into the cool church. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust and he brushed his hair back off his face as they walked down the aisle. "Smile, Jensen," he whispered.

The smile on his lips was forced but Jensen still managed. At the end of the aisle stood Marcus, his future brother-in-law, and Jensen felt the smile just a little bit realer. He could do this, be happy for his sister, and celebrate all the wonderful moments he knew his sister deserved. As they got to the end of the aisle he squeezed Jared’s hand and let the man walk to his seat up front before sliding into place beside his brother.

He was sure the ceremony was going to be long, and almost automatically he leaned back to capture Jared’s hand in a brief squeeze. This was for his sister, and to prove to Jared he could, and that was enough for Jensen.

-=-=-=-

Sometimes Jensen had trouble believing that his life had changed so much. On the rare night he slept alone, he would stare up at the ceiling and think back to all the months and years, a whole life time spent agonizing over every little detail of his life. It didn’t seem possible, sometimes, that he had once been that man - a paranoid freak that could hardly form a sentence and had never once touched a man. Mostly though, it was still too fresh in his mind to completely forget what it had been like.

Jensen liked to carry around this idea that he was better.

After all, he and Jared could go out places - even the _grocery_ store on some occasions - and normally Jensen could make it through most of the expedition without completely losing it. Sure he had to cling to Jared like there was no tomorrow but the man always smiled and stroked his arm and never failed to help Jensen as much as he could.

So Jensen had thought he was doing better, he told himself he was fine, and things continued to progress in his life in an amazing way they never had before.

But every now and then reality caught up to him, slapped him in the face, and Jensen couldn’t escape it. Like this particular Tuesday when he was taking the trash to the chute at the end of the hall. Jensen still smiled slightly when he saw it because it was the first place he and Jared had really _clicked_. Christian was out with Kendra, Jared was at work, Jensen was _fine_.

Until there was a loud clatter down the hallway. Jensen instantly stiffened, his body freezing slightly hunched over the chute. There were only their two apartments on their top floor, no reason for someone to be up there, but the clatter was there - louder and sharper the second time around.

 _Fuck_ it could be anyone. Someone who might try and break in. Someone who’d seen him with Jared and didn’t want to support it. Anyone at all that could mean so much harm to him and Jensen wasn’t used to doing this alone anymore. There was no one to support him, no one to protect him.

Before the clatter could sound again Jensen bolted down the hallway, skidding into his apartment and slamming the door hard behind him. He just barely managed to lock the door in time, dropping to the floor and sucking in hard, deep breaths. He could hear the clattering on the other side of the doorway and his lips parted in a painful, shocked gasp.

Shoving forward, Jensen skidded along the hallway floor and fumbled up along the hall table until he grasped the phone, tugging it quickly forward. His vision was blurring the moment he tried to fix onto the buttons, desperately wracking his mind for Jared’s number. What would he do if someone knocked on the door? God, he couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t handle any of this. He was foolish to think he was better.

The device was ringing before Jensen remembered dialing. Jared would protect him, he always did. Jensen curled together on the hardwood floor, staring wide eyed at the door as if whoever was out there might come bursting through at any moment. Jensen wasn’t so sure that they wouldn’t.

Jared smiled over at his phone when he saw Jensen’s number, stretched and shoved the manuscript away that he was pouring over. Picking the phone up he tapped the screen. “Hello Love of my life.”

The familiar warmth and comfort of Jared’s voice washed through Jensen and he exhaled slow and tight, scooting along the floor until he was tucked under the hall table. “J-Jared. There was- it was just so loud. And no one comes up here except for us. And I thought- maybe they wanted to hurt me or you or Christian and I- _oh god_.” The fear was so thick and tangible running through him Jensen could barely stand it.

Jared shifted forward quickly onto the edge of his chair. “Jensen? Where are you?” Jared stood and snatched his jacket off the back of the chair as he scrawled a note in his schedule that was sitting open on his desk.

For a long few minutes all Jensen could do was whimper, a soft, mostly pathetic noise as he curled impossibly tighter into himself, rocking back and forth. Jared said his name again, maybe more than once, and Jensen sucked in a shaky breath. “U-under the table. It was just a clatter. A- a noise. And I just, Jared? Jared are you there?”

"Jensen, you listen to me. I'm on my way. You're okay right? The door is locked so no one can get in, right?" Jared moved as quickly as he could down the hall and when the elevator arrived he hesitated. There would be a chance he'd lose reception on his phone if he went in the car. Turning at the last moment, Jared wrenched the fire exit open and started down the stairs.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Jensen chattered, his voice quiet and rushed. He was rocking back and forth now, unable to stop himself and his eyes fixed and narrowed on the door. Jensen held his breath for a moment and there it was, that same clatter, louder, maybe closer to the door. “There’s someone out there. Fuck, fuck, oh god.” Jensen heard the noise echoed once more and he scrambled out from under the table, darting down the hall to his bedroom.

"Jensen, listen to me, okay? I'm on my way." Jared slipped off a step and barely caught himself on the railing. "Shit. Okay, baby you're fine inside the apartment. Listen to me Jensen." Panting softly Jared ran down another flight of stairs as he listened to Jensen's breath coming in a rush. "Jensen, you listening to me?"

Jensen was not about to admit to Jared that he had slid under his bed and flattened back against the wall. He was pretty sure he’d seen a movie or two where a person got caught under the bed but it seemed like the safest place. Jared’s words were just barely registering through him and each breath was so sharp it hurt. “They’re just outside Jared. I don’t know if I locked the door. They could come in. And Christian’s not here. And you’re not here. And I’m supposed to be better but I can’t breathe. I can’t-”

“Jensen Ackles. You listen to me. I’m on my way.” Jared flung the door open and squinted as he headed out into the sunlight. “I’ll be there before you know it. How many blocks from my office to home?” Jared tucked the phone under his chin and fumbled for his keys. He said a little thankful prayer to whoever might be listening that he’d decided to drive that morning instead of walking.

It took a long few minutes for Jensen to really process the question. How many blocks? How far away was Jared? “Twelve,” Jensen whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. “Maybe less. You’re coming home? Jared, they’re in the hall. They could- what if they hurt you? I can’t stop them if they do! I should call Christian. No, no, he’s out. Jared. I need you.”

"I'm on my way, listen..." Jared started up the truck and revved the engine. "Twelve blocks, even without a speeding ticket I can be there in about five minutes. No one is gonna hurt you, okay? I bet you locked the door." Jared grunted as he shifted gears and steered out into traffic while trying to hang on to his phone.

“There was a clatter. It could be anything. Chains, maybe chains. I was just taking out the trash.” Jensen was pressed so hard up against the wall there was no way to move. His eyes were fixed on the door of his bedroom, half opened, and he strained to hear any noise outside the apartment. He held his breath, waiting, and then nearly screamed at the knock on the door. “Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck Jared.”

The wheel jerked to the side and Jared swore under his breath. It was so strange the way his mind reacted to Jensen's panic. Everything in Jared's body and soul told him it was nothing to be worried about and yet, all he could think about was getting back to Jensen to protect him, take care of him. It almost hurt to hear the way Jensen said his name.

"Halfway there, Jen. It's gonna be fine. I bet it's the landlord or a new neighbor downstairs. Maybe it's a delivery that Chris forgot to tell you about. There are lots of things it could be."

“No. No, no they know.” They always did, nearly everyone in the building, that Jensen wasn’t the social type. But then, most of them would expect Christian to be there. “Jesus,” he whispered in half a hiss when there was a call of _hello_ , and it was most definitely _inside_ his apartment. “They’re inside Jared,” Jensen hissed, clenching the phone so tightly his fingers were aching.

Jared's heart was racing when he pulled off the street and screeched to a halt in their parking lot. "I'm right outside, Jensen. Everything is fine. Just the stairs now." He could hear Jensen gasping for air on the other end of the line and it was making Jared's throat ache with tension.

Rounding the corner he jogged across the lobby and took the stairs two at a time. "Jensen? You still there?"

“Yes,” Jensen whispered, though he wasn’t sure if Jared could hear him. He could hear footsteps in the living room, the same clattering noise. Maybe it was a robber, and no Jensen wasn’t considering whether a robber would really call out hello after he broke in. “Jared,” he breathed and it sounded more like a plea.

If Jared took the stairs a little faster it had nothing to do with the fact that Jensen's voice was breaking his heart. "Right here, I'm almost home, Jen. You're gonna be fine. I promise." Ripping up the last of the stairs, Jared ran for Jensen's door. As soon as he saw the cart sitting outside the door he let out a relieved sigh. The landlord.

Wiping his sweat damp hair off his forehead, Jared pushed Jensen's door open and headed inside. "Kevin? I didn't know you were coming by today."

The landlord jumped at the sound of Jared's voice. "Jensen," Jared whispered into the phone. "It's the landlord. I'll send him away okay?"

The relief that flooded through Jensen at the sound of his boyfriend - fiancé - in the other room was enough to have him finally squeezing his eyes shut around the sharp burn of tears. He couldn’t manage any more words; still shaking, terrified in a way he hadn’t felt in so long and even more than that, embarrassed.

“Oh, hey Jared. Yeah there’s just a few pipes I’ve been meaning to replace.” Kevin looked between Jared and his phone then frowned. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, listen Kevin - Jensen’s a little under the weather today. He’s in the other room. You think this could wait for another time?” Jared swept his hand back through his hair and looked around, not entirely sure where Jensen _was_.

“Oh yeah sure, I didn’t even realize anyone was home.” Kevin nodded, grabbing his tool bag. “Had a couple little repairs to do over at your place, want me to wait on those too or do you mind?”

“Go ahead, that would be just great, Kevin. You know, you could come back here tomorrow. I’ll just get Jensen settled in my place tomorrow. Thanks so much for being so understanding.” Jared tugged at the front of his shirt; it was stuck to the sweat beading on his chest.

“Yeah no problem. Tell Jensen I hope he feels better soon.” Kevin nodded and gave Jared a smile before heading out of the apartment, shutting the door behind him.

Lifting the phone back to his ear Jared looked around. “Jensen? It was just Kevin and he’s gone. Where are you?” Wandering into the living room, Jared spun round and listened.

“Bed,” Jensen managed, the word strangled somewhere in the back of his throat. He could hear Jared moving and he _knew_ it was just his boyfriend, no one else, but he couldn’t get himself to move. Instead he shifted until he was curled in a ball, tucked in the furthest corner under the bed, phone still clutched hard between his fingers.

The door to Jensen's bedroom was wide open and Jared hurried inside. As his eyes darted around the room seeing nothing he frowned. "Jensen? Where the hell are you?" Tapping the screen on his phone Jared tossed it on the dresser and moved over to the bed. "Jen? I'm right here where are you?"

Jensen’s mouth parted but the words caught there and Jensen couldn’t get the words out. So he tapped his knuckle on the floor twice, flinching at the noise. The fear was gone, replaced instead by embarrassment, shame. He should be better than this now, how could he get _married_ if he couldn’t handle the fucking _landlord_ coming to the door?

Looking around, Jared frowned then dropped to his knees and lowered himself down. "Hey," he said softly. Lowering himself the rest of the way down, Jared tucked one arm under his head and reached out the other hand toward Jensen. "You're gonna have to come out, 'cause if I try to get under there Christian will be prying us both out later." Slight smile on his lips he let out a relieved breath.

Everything about Jared was familiar, his smile, the warmth in his voice, the gentle encouragement. Jensen was suddenly overcome with the idea that Jared could make it better, at least the sharpest of everything, and Jensen suddenly couldn’t get to him fast enough. He slid quickly across the wooden floor, inhaling sharply when his hand finally connected with Jared’s and he moved forward.

Tugging Jensen forward Jared slid his arm under his boyfriend's neck and pulled him flush to his chest. "Sorry, I'm all sweaty. I ran," he murmured into Jensen's hair. The pounding of Jensen's heart bumped against Jared's chest and he nuzzled into his boyfriends hair. "I'm here now, see? I promised you'd be okay."

“I know,” Jensen finally whispered, tucking against Jared’s body. He tried to make himself as small as he could, tried to mold against Jared’s body because at least there he knew it was safe. It was sometimes so horribly overwhelming to be this socially incapacitated. “M’sorry,” he breathed, lips coming to rest on Jared’s neck. “So sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry ‘bout,” Jared murmured. “It was a surprise, right? It’s just a setback. Things are different now.” Jared pried his fingers loose from Jensen’s grip and slid his hand down his boyfriend’s back. “You’re gonna be okay, right?”

“I... yeah. Of course.” Jensen nodded, not completely confident about his words. He would be okay, he had to be, he had to move past this point in his life because he wanted to get married and be _better_. “Just surprised.”

Rolling onto his back slightly, Jared pulled Jensen with him. “I know you were. It’s okay. He’s gonna come back tomorrow. I told him that you’d be at my place.” Smiling slightly, Jared combed his fingers through Jensen’s hair. “That will be okay, you can spend tonight with me and when I go you can explore my apartment.”

Jared could already feel that Jensen was calming down slightly. It happened faster than he expected but things _were_ different now even if it was a bit of a setback.

There had been countless times in Jensen’s life that he’d broken down, sometimes in public places, it happened and he couldn’t avoid it. This felt so much different though, the way Jared had rushed to him without question, only to find out it had been such a silly, stupid little thing.

Sighing, Jensen climbed off Jared and got up on the bed, dropping his head into his hands and threading his fingers through his hair. He was so ridiculous to think of actually living a life; he couldn’t even take the trash out without freaking out. It was pathetic, and a whole bunch of other things Jensen couldn’t even touch, and he’d never felt the weight of it like this.

“Hey. What just happened?” Jared sat up and stared up at his boyfriend. “I thought... did I do something wrong?” His long fingers curled over Jensen’s thigh and he leaned back against the bed with a frown on his face.

“No. No, Jared, you’re perfect like you always are. Always so perfect and understanding. I don’t deserve that.” Jensen shook his head; dropping his hands so he could stare down at the place Jared touched him. He could see the glint of silver from the ring on his finger and he inhaled shakily. “How could you possibly expect to have a life with me? What if it’s always this way? What if this happens when you’re in a meeting, or god, when you have to go out of town for something? It was the fucking _landlord_ Jared. Normal people do not act like this.”

"You're pessimistic." Jared leaned his head back against the mattress and lowered his gaze. "You're not looking at the good stuff." When Jensen didn't take his hand, Jared dropped it back into his lap. Shaking his head slowly he smiled down at his lap.

“What good stuff?” Jensen asked quietly when Jared didn’t provide any more on the subject. He scrunched up his face, trying to come up with something that would outweigh the way he _was_.

"What are you doing right now?" Jared pushed up to his feet and walked over to Jensen's bedroom door before turning to look back at the man.

Blinking up at Jared, Jensen frowned slightly, head tilting to the side. “What?” His heart skipped a beat with the thought that Jared might actually be _leaving_ and he stood quickly, eyes widening. “Where are you going?”

“Jensen? You’re already almost calm. You didn’t need a pill, you’re not a wreck.” Pressing his lips together he turned back to the door. “I’m gonna just go make myself some coffee or something.”

Heading down the hallway, Jared blew out a frustrated breath and clenched his fingers tight into fists. Jensen just couldn't see how much progress he’d made and sometimes Jared thought that maybe he was part of that. The fact was that Jensen was in his bedroom and already talking, just acting like his normal self - _that_ was something he wasn’t going to overlook. Things _had_ changed.

Shock rippled through Jensen and he stared at the door for a long moment before slowly sitting back down. He felt like he’d missed some big piece of the puzzle and clearly it was important because he’d never heard Jared sound like that before. Maybe slightly annoyed, frustrated, and Jensen was responsible. He blinked down at his hands, wondering if he’d maybe finally pushed it too far.

He supposed hiding under the bed was a little bit of overkill. Jensen was closer to thirty than twenty, he _should_ be acting older, more capable. Frowning, Jensen twisted the ring on his finger, trying to figure out what to say when, if, Jared came back.


	6. Chapter 6

When Jared got to the kitchen he pressed both hands against the cool metal of the refrigerator door and dropped his head between his shoulders. After a few moments he groaned and tugged at the buttons on the front of his shirt. It was still damp and it felt too cool in the air conditioning.

It might only have been minutes but Jared couldn't stand that Jensen was still sitting in his bedroom and probably wondering what the hell was going on. "Fuck," he said softly. Turning he headed back down the hall as he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it out of his waist band.

When he was finally standing in the door way to Jensen's bedroom again he leaned against the door frame. "Hey."

Wetting his lips slowly Jensen looked up at Jared, fingers twisting the ring harder. “Hi,” he said quietly, rolling his shoulders to ease off some of the tension. It was a weird moment to think it but Jared looked absolutely gorgeous standing there, shirt untucked, hair a mess, skin still slightly flushed. Jensen swallowed thickly, bracing himself for whatever was to come.

"I'm sorry. I just-" Jared rubbed a hand down his face and groaned. "I get frustrated 'cause I don't think that you see how far you've come. You're not cutting yourself any slack and I worry that-” Dropping his gaze once more Jared sighed again and headed over to sit beside Jensen. "I'm sorry. I was just worried and I’m blowing off steam. You don’t deserve that."

“You should be able to say what you’re feeling,” Jensen said quietly, pulling the ring off and sliding it back off. On and off. Nervous little ticks he supposed. “I think, I mean, honesty is important, so...” he shrugged and looked over at Jared then back down. “So you think I’m getting better, and that I’m not realizing that?”

"I worry that you won't let us have this... us. That you'll keep thinking that you're not okay and that you're not ready. You keep telling me you're not ready and I get it. There's no rush for us to be more. Move in. I mean I know that you want to do all of that, you've said it enough." Jared's eyes moved over to the ring as Jensen fiddled with it. "I want a future for us and I think, sometimes, that you get a bit stuck in the past."

Frowning, Jensen nodded slowly, trying to give time for Jared’s words to sink in. He hadn’t really ever thought of it that way but Jared was right. Maybe part of him would always be like this but he would be better, or as much as he could be, at some point. And maybe part of him was fighting against that because he knew what it meant and was scared to face it. “Guess I never really thought of it like that. I... I do want all those things you know. Guess I just worry I’ll do to you what I’ve done to Christian.”

“What?” Jared’s head snapped to the side. “That you’ll be a good friend to me? Like you’ve been to him? Christian fucking loves you. You’re his best friend.” Jared’s brow furrowed and his fingers curled into his slacks.

“Christian spent six fucking years being afraid to even go to work because of how I am. And I _know_ how much it must have held him back because the minute I found you he found Kendra. If I didn’t have you he wouldn’t be with her, it’s that simple and I _hate_ that about myself.” Jensen sighed, shaking his head slowly. “I can admit I’ve made some improvement Jared but I know just how fast I can go back to that broken, pathetic little thing.”

Jared shrugged. "Well, I don't know what to say then." Closing his eyes for a few moments Jared slid both hands over the back of his neck and sighed. His head was throbbing and there was a sick kind of feeling in his stomach that he didn't like. "I don't think of you ... this as bad," he murmured.

“It’s not as bad because you booked it from your work as fast as you possibly could. You ran the whole way here practically.” Jensen wrapped his arms across his chest, swallowing down the thick fear beginning to crawl through him. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be now. They should be lying in bed together, Jared holding him, and part of Jensen was wondering how long they’d been approaching this conversation. “You really prepared to do that for the rest of your life?”

"Yes. You're just not prepared to let me." Jared let his hands fall to his lap again, fingers twisting together. "You're not some kind of burden, you're not - I ..." Shaking his head, Jared closed his eyes again and pressed his fingers hard against them. "I don't want half of you, I want all of you. I don't care if you think it's bad or not... you don't get... you -" Jared sighed, frustrated that all his words were getting tangled up. "You don't get to be the one who decides what I want in my life. Not by yourself."

Jensen bit down on his lip for a long while, not really sure how to answer. He believed Jared, that wasn’t really the question; it was more allowing himself to just get over the idea that it could be too much. It was like a huge road block in his mind and Jensen was floundering trying to find a way around it. “What if I’m scared of being those things? A burden and stuff. What if I’m scared that five years, hell, even just a year down the line, that you’ll start hating me because I can’t handle going out to big parties, or because I’d rather sit indoors than roam the mall or something. I just don’t get how you’ll know.”

"I just know." Jared swept his hair back off his forehead and turned to look into Jensen's eyes. "I'm scared I won't get you. _That's_ what scares me. Not having to leave work or - or -having to answer the phone. You're so much better than you used to be and if things don't change anymore I'm okay with that. I just want you." Jared's forehead wrinkled as he frowned again and his heart felt squeezed a little too tight in his chest.

“But you already have me. You always have. God Jared, none of this is about you. It’s not any- I mean, _god_ it’s just me Jared. There’s no question in my mind that you’re the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me. I would never be stupid enough to let go of that once you offered it to me.” Jensen stared at Jared through the blur of tears in his eyes, blowing out a low breath. “What’s happening here? I don’t like this.” The words were a nearly strangled whisper and he looked away, lifting a hand to rub at his eyes.

"You think you're some kind of burden. Why would I be here now if that's what you were? Give me one good reason." Jared looked away again, not wanting to see the tears pooling in Jensen's eyes.

“Because you’re possibly the nicest, sweetest, most caring person in the entire world?” Jensen suggested quietly, sniffing after a moment then wiping his face on his sleeve. “I’m pretty sure even if you wanted to break up with me you’d feel to awful doing it right now, after you found me hiding under the bed and everything.”

"Great, so you don't trust me." Jared's stomach felt like the floor had fallen right out from under him. His throat felt tight and his chest was aching. "I'm not that nice, Jensen. You make it sound like I'm some kind of fool..."

“I do trust you. Of course I trust you. Would I really have opened up to you if I didn’t? God, you wouldn’t be able to make me feel better if I didn’t trust you with all of me, Jared.” Jensen stared wide bleary eyed at his boyfriend, his breath catching. “Don’t- please, Jared. Stop this. It’s not supposed to be like this.”

"Then stop making me feel like shit," Jared snapped. He felt Jensen flinch and covered his eyes with his hands for a few long moments. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I just - I'm not with you because I'm nice, or doing you some kind of stupid favor. I'm with you because I love you. Because I feel better around you than I do anywhere else in the stupid world. Stop saying it's because I'm too nice to tell you..." Jared's voice broke and he dragged his thumb across his bottom lip.

“Okay. Okay, sorry,” Jensen whispered, wiping hastily at his eyes once more. “I didn’t mean it like that, I just- I was just telling you how I felt. I was just trying to be honest. I wasn’t trying to... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Jensen hadn’t ever really seen Jared this upset before and his heart was beginning to ache in such a way it was more painful than anything he’d ever felt before. Reaching out he tentatively touched Jared’s arm. “Please forgive me, I can make it better. I can prove, I mean, I can show you I can believe those things.”

Jared turned quickly and grabbed Jensen roughly, dragging him forward to crush their mouths together. The kiss wasn't the best, their teeth clicked together and Jared's lip stung but he clung to Jensen until he needed to pull back and suck in some air. "Just let me have you," he finally whispered.

“You do. You have all of me.” Jensen shifted on Jared’s lap, hooking his legs around the man and tangling his hands into Jared’s hair. He kissed him once more, this time slower, deeper, trying to make Jared believe through the touch alone. His tongue moved in slow passing sweeps over Jared’s lips, along every inch of his mouth. “I love you,” he gasped into the kiss some time later, fingers stroking back through the slightly tangled mop of golden brown hair.

Jared's shoulders fell slightly as he relaxed, his fingers spreading wide on Jensen's back. "Talk to Christian now soon. I want you to move in. I want- I want you. I just want _us_. Please." Jared's arms circled tighter around Jensen's lithe body and he dragged his lips along the man's sharp jaw.

“Yeah?” Jensen half gasped, head tilting back to give Jared’s lips more room. He was pressed as close to Jared as he could possibly get, legs and arms hooked tight around him. He didn’t want to let Jared go, not any time in the next twenty four hours if he could help it, but he would talk to Christian. Because the idea of moving in with Jared sounded more than amazing. “How soon?”

“As soon as he can figure out what to do. Don’t wanna leave him- stranded.” Jared moaned as his teeth scraped down the flushed skin on his boyfriend’s neck. “Soon, as soon as you can. Please.” He couldn’t stop his hands moving on Jensen’s body; it was like he was afraid it would all get taken away from him in the next instant.

“Fuck, I’ll just keep paying rent until he figures it out. I can afford it. I wanna move in right n...” Jensen trailed off as Jared sucked on the part of his neck that always hit all the best parts of him, causing his hips to roll hard forward against Jared’s. “He- he’d like to, bring Kendra over more. Oh god Jared,” Jensen moaned and slid his hands down, bunching Jared’s shirt up between his hands as he rocked shamelessly against him.

Moaning his agreement Jared shoved his hands under the hem of Jensen's t-shirt. The soft, black cotton moved aside easily and Jared's fingers slid over the heat of his lover's flesh. "Tonight, when you stay tonight don't leave again. I'll play for your rent, I don't care." His tongue flicked out to taste the sheen of sweat on Jensen's throat, hand joined it as his fingers curled around the base of his lover's throat. "Say you'll stay with me," Jared growled softly.

“I’ll stay with you,” Jensen gasped, his body shuddering with pleasure. Jared always knew exactly what to do to drive Jensen crazy, even when he didn’t know it was a particularly sensitive spot. “Forever, Jared,” he moaned and shifted back enough to tug his shirt off and toss it to the side, hands sliding down between them to fumble with the remaining buttons on Jared’s clothes. “Every night we can make love with the balcony doors open so we can always hear the ocean,” Jensen grinned, shoving Jared’s shirt off roughly so their skin could touch.

"You make me crazy," Jared murmured against Jensen's shoulder. His hand slipped down the back of Jensen's jeans, finger sliding into the crack of his ass as his teeth sank hard into Jensen's flesh.

“Wanna ride you like this.” Jensen was surprised by the way he nearly growled the words, body moving back against Jared’s touch. The idea was there in his mind, completely clear, the image of Jared sitting here while Jensen fucked himself down on him. “God, say you want that, it’s so hot to think about.” He laughed weakly, hips rolling hard against Jared’s.

“Fuck.” Jared’s breath got all caught up in him and his hand slid up to snatch at Jensen’s hair. As his fingers curled tightly into the soft, dark blonde strands Jared moaned and shoved his other hand lower. Nails digging into the fleshy part of Jensen’s ass, Jared pulled him closer, _closer_ as his mouth moved back up his lover’s neck to capture his mouth in a kiss so full of desperation it was almost painful.

The whole conversation had gotten Jensen so off guard that the ache had been one of the worst he’d ever felt. Which was likely why this, now, was making his mind spin with its bone shaking intensity. Jared was so hot sometimes Jensen could hardly stand it and as he shifted to his knees and pushed up, grinding his hips along Jared’s body; he sucked the man’s tongue forcefully between his lips.

In the next beat he climbed back off the bed, panting as he stared down at Jared, his thumb slipping the button free on his jeans, fingers pinching at the zipper and tugging it down a moment later. “Say you want it,” Jensen said in a quiet half moan, fingers hooking under his jeans and briefs before he shoved down.

Simply staring at Jensen's body, eyes trailing over the sweat beaded on his chest to glide along the curve of the man's hip - Jared licked his lips. "I want it, I want you. _Now._ " His hand reached for Jensen's hip, fingers curling over the gentle rise of flesh. His thumb swept up the length of Jensen's cock - and he felt the swollen flesh jump as Jensen's lashes fluttered closed.

Heat was flooding Jared's body and it was mirrored by the deep flush that was spreading up Jensen's body. Tugging the man closer Jared stood, body rubbing up against Jensen's as he rose to his full height. "I want you," he growled against his lover's mouth.

For a moment Jensen’s knees went weak and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold himself up. His fingers curled around Jared’s hips and held there, breath coming in shuddering gasps up against Jared’s lips. “God, Jared,” he moaned and slid his fingers around, fumbling with the button on his lover’s jeans.

The desire for Jared never dimmed, no matter what might happen between them, and if anything Jensen just wanted him _more_. It made his mind spin, wanting someone like this, so badly. “ _God_ I want you to fuck me, right now.” Jensen sucked in a greedy deep breath and shoved Jared’s pants down, instantly stroking over the man’s skin.

Jared's heart pounded and he couch taste the salt of sweat on his lips with no idea if it were his or Jensen's. His entire body ached with want and he just _needed_ Jensen; needed his body, his mind, all of him. Trembling slightly, Jared kicked out of his slacks and gripped Jensen's arms tightly. He could feel the muscles straining in Jensen's arm, sliding, tightening under his overheated skin.

It was like being drunk, dizzy-weak and half shaking and Jared loved the way it felt. It felt like being completely _alive_. Half falling he sank back down onto the bed and pulled Jensen forward. The man was _fucking_ gorgeous. His hair was a mess, sweat glistened on his chest and a flush had made it all the way up his neck to color his cheeks. "I love you like this," Jared growled.

“Debauched and desperate for you?” Jensen suggested with a soft smirk, stretching over to the side to slip his hand under the pillow and pull out a bottle of lube. As he straightened on Jared’s lap he laughed at the man’s raised eyebrows. “Just wanted to get it quickly when needed.”

Shrugging, Jensen flipped the lid open and smeared the cool lube on his fingers then pushed up onto his knees, leaning into Jared’s body as he reached his hand down behind him and slipped two fingers in at once. He gasped at the slight burn and pressure, dipping down to capture Jared’s lips in a deep kiss as he rocked back onto his fingers.

Heat was drizzling down every single inch of Jared's body. Fingers splayed wide again he cupped Jensen's ass, fingertips brushing the man's hand. The way Jensen moved against him sent ripples of desire skittering down Jared's body. He'd never known anyone like Jensen - the way he just _let go_ when it came to sex was one of the most amazing things Jared had ever seen.

His tongue swept forward to claim Jensen's mouth, sweeping along his smooth teeth. Each moan gave Jared goose bumps, each roll of Jensen's hips made Jared kiss the man a little deeper.

Jensen didn’t want to waste any time stretching himself. He and Jared had a healthy enough sex life that he wasn’t too concerned by the burn. And weirdly enough, some part of _enjoyed_ it. There was certainly something about knowing some pain could feel good. Mainly because he knew Jared would never hurt him.

After a brief few thrust of three fingers Jensen pulled his hand free and shifted forward instead, curling his fingers around Jared’s cock and slicking over the burning flesh. He loved how Jared instantly thrust up into his hand, shoved his tongue roughly into Jensen’s mouth. He stroked in long, slow twists, slicking every inch of Jared and ensuring he was just as crazy for this as Jensen was.

Jared tore his mouth away from Jensen's, hands sliding up his boyfriend's back until he could grab a fistful of hair. "Jensen - I want you. Now." His voice was barely above a rasp, his heart racing and his lips were chasing the words as soon as they left. Slanting his mouth over Jensen's, Jared rolled his hips and moaned.

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat as he released Jared and shifted forward. It wasn’t the easiest to stretch around beneath him and line Jared up and Jensen thanked the Yoga gods that he’d gotten more limber lately. Mostly for Jared. He held his lover’s cock at the base and pressed flush against him and slowly sank down.

The initial burn had his breath catching in his throat and Jensen just wanted Jared _in_ him. So he released his hold on the man and sank down in one fluid movement, gasping at the sudden fullness. His hand slid over the blankets to clean off the lube before his fingers were tangling into Jared’s hair, mouth parted and panting along his lover neck as he adjusted to the sensation.

A sound not unlike a whimper slipped past Jared's lips and his arms slid automatically around Jensen. It felt a little like their bodies might melt together, the heat was overwhelming and not enough and Jared let his head fall back as he leaned back to adjust his hips.

Jensen was trembling over him, breath hot and moist against Jared's neck. "I ... it's like I can feel you everywhere," Jared whispered.

Sucking in deep breaths, Jensen nodded slowly. “Yeah, everywhere,” he whispered, muscles clenching around Jared as he got used to the feeling. He loved this, always would, and he couldn’t help pushing himself up slowly and sinking back down.

A deep moan rocked through Jensen as he arched his back, pulling up off Jared further and sinking back down. The slow pace was torture, Jensen wanted it fast and hard, but he kind of liked the way this felt as if it would never end.

Falling back on his hands Jared thrust his hips up harder. There was nothing better than feeling like this with Jensen, knowing that Jensen wanted him. "God, fuck I can't-” Back arching Jared let his head fall back and bit down hard on his bottom lip.

“Not, not enough,” Jensen gasped, nails dragging along Jared’s scalp, down his neck and shoulders. He rocked down to meet each of Jared’s thrusts, head tipping back with the loud moan that pulled from him. It was one of Jensen’s favorite things, being as loud as he wanted with Jared, showing the man just how very much he wanted him.

"Jesus," Jared hissed. Flinging his arm out to the side he pressed his palm flat against the wall and shifted his hips slightly so he could shove roughly at Jensen's shoulder. Flipping the man back he grabbed Jensen's thigh and pushed it back until he could settle between his legs.

"Sorry," he murmured. Even as Jared spoke his hips pressed forward slowly, then pulled back; he teased Jensen and ended up moaning with pleasure at the slow glide of heat and flesh.

“S-sorry?” Jensen gasped out, arching his back up off the bed and struggling back to meet Jared’s thrusts. “For what?” He laughed shakily, breathlessly, and clenched around the man. As much as he loved sitting on Jared’s lap, there was really nothing hotter than having Jared over him, claiming him.

"I - I like this. I like fucking you - taking you..." Jared's words were cut off by a groan, his hips still rolling back and forth. The smooth, slick heat of Jensen's ass was killing him slowly but he loved the way Jensen writhed beneath him. Jared knew that Jensen would cave, claw at him, his hands were already curled into the quilt beneath them.

“M-me too,” Jensen stuttered over the words, rocking back against Jared and twisting slightly, struggling to get Jared deeper. He bit down on his lip, desperate need growing in him and Jensen groaned, clenching around him. “Jared, _please_ , god I need you.” He moaned and his hand snapped out, curling over his lover’s shoulder and digging into his shoulder.

A cool shiver slid down Jared's spine and he snapped his hips forward hard enough to jerk their bodies further up on the bed. Jensen cried out, his neck arching long and beautiful and Jared had to slide his hand over it. Thumb pressing against the racing pulse under Jensen's skin, Jared rocked his hips forward again and again, slamming hard into his lover.

“Oh god, god, _fuck_ Jared,” Jensen groaned and writhed, free hand clasping around Jared’s wrist and pushing his hand just slightly harder down against his neck. Each thrust was almost brutal, hard and sharp snapping into him and Jensen kept arching back into his lover, eyes clenching shut. The pleasure was almost dizzying, Jensen could hardly breathe, and when Jared’s cock thrust up against his prostate the cry that left his lips was almost a scream.

Sweat dripped from Jared's forehead, his skin tingling as his cock slid deeper still into his lover's heat. "Fuck," he hissed when Jensen's entire body jolted and twisted. Crushing Jensen beneath him, Jared strained forward to capture the man's lips in a heated kiss. Jensen's lips parted quickly, tongue darting forward as Jared swallowed another loud moan.

Pleasure was tight and thick in his chest and Jared’s breath was fast. The air in the room felt heavy and all Jared could even focus on was Jensen. Jensen: hot, writhing, hair tangled and stuck to the sweat on his cheeks and forehead. _Jensen_.

He squeezed Jensen's throat then slid his hand down the man's slick body until he could stroke his fingers down the man's cock. It was heavy, full in Jared's hand and he moaned again as his own orgasm began to unwind in his body.

The touch of Jared’s hand on his oversensitive skin proved to be Jensen’s undoing. Everything in him burned, bright and flaring through his body until Jensen was sure he was seeing stars even with his eyes closed. He tore back from the kiss to suck in a breath as his orgasm burst through him, arms hooking around Jared’s neck and holding him close as the man continued to thrust against his prostate and his orgasm shook him to his very core.

Jensen was fairly certain he’d never come this hard in his entire life, it felt like the world was tilting off its access and Jensen thought he might literally pass out. He forgot to breath for a long moment, a shudder working its way through him head to toe.

Jensen's body was shuddering, twitching with pleasure as Jared hit his peak. Arching his back, Jared shoved forward in one last hard thrust and came. Pleasure shot through him and rocked his world a little. Literally. Everything in front of him kind of slid sideways then spun and Jared half fell to the side. Each pulse of his cock made his entire body pulse with pleasure and warmth.

When he collapsed forward he felt Jensen finally suck in a sharp breath of air. Jared cupped his hand over Jensen's cheek as both their bodies were still jerking and twitching with pleasure. He pulled Jensen forward until their lips could slide together slowly.

Their lips moved together until Jensen felt like he could breathe again, like he wasn’t dizzy and close to the edge of passing out. Jensen’s entire body felt weak, his limbs loose and completely unwilling to move. He broke from the kiss and let his lips move along Jared’s cheek, gently down to his jaw, feeling almost as if he were trying to worship the man through the soft kisses alone.

"You're... the most amazing thing in the world," Jared whispered. His arm snaked around Jensen's neck as he slid free of the heat of Jensen's body and tried to roll slightly to the side.

Jensen hummed, gently shaking his head from side to side. “Not amazing, not at all.” But he smiled and forced himself to roll toward Jared, huffing out a loud breath. “God, you fuckin’ killed me that was so hot.”

All Jared could do was nod lazily and smirk slightly. His arms tightened around Jensen in case his boyfriend was thinking that he might be able to move any time soon. Jared wasn't going to let him. "Did we just have our first fight?"

“Yeah,” Jensen breathed, shifting forward to lay his head on Jared’s chest. “We should fight more often, make up sex? Best thing ever.”

Jared shook his head and kissed Jensen’s hair. “No, I didn’t like it. The fighting.” His heart still stung a bit, that little nip of worry there that Jensen might take himself away. Cinching his arms tighter, Jared breathed in the scent of _them_.

“But we’re okay now right?” Jensen nuzzled into Jared’s neck, mouthing softly over his skin. “We’re gonna get married, and I’m gonna start believing I’m better, and maybe we’ll have more sex where we experiment with the um, things, from today.” Jensen shrugged; glad he could hide his blush in Jared’s neck.

Opening one eye and peering down at Jensen, Jared laughed softly. “What things?” Just like that he felt a little flutter of desire again and couldn’t help kissing Jensen’s forehead.

Jensen shifted uncertainly wetting his lips and lifting his fingers to gently trace over Jared’s collarbone. “Like, your hand on my neck thing. And um, the way you just flipped me over and fucked me like that. Made me think about um, like you fucking me against a wall? Or, I don’t know, something.” Jensen laughed shakily, slipping his leg between Jared’s and burrowing in closer.

"Want me to be a little rougher with you, huh?" Heat flushed along Jared's spine and his smile turned a little softer. "I like that. I - yeah." There wasn't any need to talk about it - he _knew_ the way Jensen reacted to his. Jared could _feel_ what his lover liked. “There’s always later tonight,” he whispered.

“Yeah? Back in our apart- I mean, your. In your apartment.” Jensen licked softly up along Jared’s neck, enjoying the sweat salty skin. “Maybe on the balcony sometime, at night, I promise to be real quiet.”

"Oh, _God_ yeah." Jared had to squeeze his eyes shut for a few moments to steady himself. "It is _our_ apartment," he added softly.

The smile grew on Jensen’s lips and he tightened his arm around Jared. “Yeah, our apartment.” He really liked the sound of that. “So we, we should probably nap now yeah? So we could explore that um, being rougher thing tonight? After all, I feel we might need some celebratory sex for the whole moving in thing.”

“I agree completely,” Jared said.

-=-=-=-

Jared tossed a box down onto the sofa. He was pretty sure there was nothing breakable in it because it was very light. “Jensen?”

Padding across the living room Jared walked over the mattress and grinned at the way the sheets were all messed up. Picking up Badger off the coffee table he hopped down off the mattress and headed down the hallway to the bedroom. “Jensen?”

The call of his fiancé’s voice had Jensen grinning as he stepped out of the shower. He’d spent the better part of the day moving most of his stuff from his apartment to his _home_ and he wanted to shower before Jared had gotten home. He knew the man loved him but he wasn’t going to test it by smelling ripe when he got home.

Jensen wrapped the towel around his waist and pulled the bathroom door open, rubbing his fingers through his wet hair. “Hey, how was work?”

Jared stopped in his tracks and grinned. "You must absolutely be dressed like this every day when I come home."

Closing the distance between them he pressed up against Jensen's still damp skin and draped his arms over the man's shoulders. "How was your first day in _our_ home?"

Soft smile on his lips, Jensen curved up into Jared’s body, humming softly. “Wonderful. Tried to move most of my stuff but was just taking a break. Got most of my clothes moved over. Was in your shirt for a while.” Jensen laughed quietly and pressed his lips down along the strong curve of Jared’s jaw.

"Feel free to wear my clothes whenever you want," Jared murmured. He lowered his arms long enough to shrug out of his suit jacket while Jensen loosened his tie. "Christian phoned me twice today." Jared laughed softly.

“Twice? What the heck did he want?” Jensen laughed and pulled Jared’s tie the rest of the way free, letting it drag over his still damp chest and slowly around his neck. “He wasn’t trying to talk you out of this right?”

Frowning over a smile, Jared dipped down to kiss Jensen’s bottom lip as he grabbed both ends of the tie. “Not at all. He didn’t want to call here and check up on you, so he called me to see if _you_ had called me.” Laughing softly, Jared kissed his boyfriend again and pulled a little harder on the tie. “Cute isn’t he?”

“Just adorable.” Jensen snorted and shook his head. “So he’s worried about me? You... you didn’t tell him about the landlord thing did you?” Jensen grabbed Jared’s wrist and slowly shifted the tie, letting it loop around his neck once, then dropped his hand once more.

“Didn’t say a thing,” Jared murmured. He was more than a little distracted. After all, Jensen was mostly naked, wet and hotter than hell. “Are you flirting with me, Jensen?” Jared pulled the ends of the tie tighter around his boyfriend’s neck and widened his stance.

Swallowing thickly at the pleasure that curled through him, Jensen bit down on his lip, lifting his shoulder in half a shrug. “Is it still considered flirting when we’re already together?” With just the subtle tightening of the tie around his neck Jensen could already feel his body responding and he let his fingers move to Jared’s hip, gently pulling the shirt from the waistband.

“You know it’s 5:30 in the afternoon, right?” Jared’s lips twitched into a slight smile and he walked them backwards until Jensen was pressed up against the bedroom wall. Pulling the tie a little tighter Jared licked his lips and rubbed his cheek against Jensen’s. “You shaved,” he murmured low and even against Jensen’s ear.

“I did. And does the time really matter?” Jensen was already a little breathless, his fingers sliding along Jared’s shirt until he could start slipping buttons free. If this was what it would be like to live with Jared, Jensen had a whole new reason to appreciate it. The pressure around his neck was making his legs a little weak and his heart was starting to race.

“Don’t shave tomorrow till I get home, love watching you. It’s -” Jared laughed shyly and dipped down to press a kiss to Jensen’s neck. The skin was still damp and Jared’s tongue flicked out to slide over the beads of moisture. “It’s hot, watching you shave.”

“It is?” Jensen asked through a whisper, blowing out a relieved breath when he finally reached the top button and could slide his hands up under his lover’s shirt. “You really think it’s hot when I do that?” He’d never thought of such a simple task as being a turn on in any way.

“Yeah, does that make me weird?” Jared smirked against his lover’s neck. His lips dragged over Jensen’s cheek and down until they slid across Jensen’s mouth.

A soft sigh fell from Jensen’s lips into the kiss as he tilted up toward Jared. “No, not at all.” Lord knew Jensen had things that turned him on that might be weird, take the tie around his neck for instance. “Is it weird that I get turned on by you pulling the tie around my neck?”

“Makes perfect sense to me,” Jared whispered. As usual, he was turned on, a little stunned by how lucky he was and wishing that he’d found Jensen long ago. “You like me controlling you, I can feel it.” As if to make his point, Jared leaned forward and pressed up _hard_ against Jensen’s body before snatching the towel away.

“Fuck,” Jensen gasped and arched up toward Jared, his mind reeling with the sudden intensity and heat. “Yeah, yeah I do. Weird, cause my past, doesn’t seem like I’d like it.” Jensen tried to push Jared’s shirt off and when it didn’t work his fingers slid down to Jared’s belt. Jensen was hard already, still slightly damp from the shower and he ground shamelessly up against his lover.

Jared pulled back enough to let his lover work his pants open and down lower on his hips. "Leave 'em," he murmured. Jensen's eyes darted up to meet his gaze and Jared blinked slowly, thumbs trailing over Jensen's cheeks. "Get the lube," he said softly. "And get your ass right back here."

Jensen stumbled on his quick journey across the room. His legs already felt like jello and he was so hard it hurt to move but he didn’t care. Moving faster than he thought really possibly Jensen grabbed the lube from the desk and darted back across the room, sliding back between Jared and the wall. Swallowing thickly, Jensen stared up at Jared. “Now what?”

Jared's hand curled over Jensen's as he took the lube. Dragging his tongue across his bottom lip, Jared smiled and grabbed Jensen's shoulders and turned him to face the wall. "Gonna fuck you _right_ here."

Jensen's knees gave out and Jared's hands slipped quickly under the man's shoulders to hold him up. Pressing up against Jensen's naked back, Jared moaned and nipped teasingly at the nape of his lover's neck. "Maybe I should stop, don't want you to hit the floor."

“Don’t- don’t stop. God Jared, please don’t stop,” Jensen gasped, hands lifting to press against the wall. He rolled his hips back against Jared’s, eyes fluttering closed at the sharp flare of passion burning through him. “Fuck Jared, I love you.” He laughed with the words, nails curling against the wall and scraping down.

A low laugh rumbled up from Jared's chest and he leaned harder against Jensen so he could release his hands. There was something _really_ sensual about being half dressed and pressed up against Jensen's bare body. Something sensual that made Jared's cock feel like it was ready to explode.

Hips rolling forward slowly Jared managed to slick up his fingers and shift a little to the side so he could tease one finger along Jensen's entrance. He held both ends of the tie in his other hand and braced himself against the wall. "So, this what you want?"

A shudder shook down Jensen’s back and he groaned, rolling his forehead against the wall and his hips back against Jared. “Please, yes Jared,” Jensen begged, trying to push his body down onto Jared’s finger though the many just pulled away. For some reason begging only made him feel even more out of control and Jensen loved every second of it. “Want you, _need_ you.”

Jared's lips moved down to the top of Jensen's spine and he shoved his finger deep inside the velvet heat of his lover. The muscles clenched instantly around his finger and Jared moaned against Jensen's shoulder; leaning harder against his lover's side he wound the tie a little tighter round his hand to keep Jensen still. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard," he whispered.

Lips parting, Jensen’s head tilted back and he rolled his hips down onto Jared’s finger. He didn’t even need the slow stretch, he knew Jared was just drawing it out, driving him insane, and Jensen wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle this. Jared was completely blowing his mind and they’d barely started. “Yes, god, _Jared_. Need you to fuck me, need you in me.” Jensen was almost at the point of babbling now, the words tumbling off his lips with each soft gasp.

Jensen's body was in constant motion, he was panting, and pressing hard against the wall and Jared tugged hard on the tie until Jensen had to lean his head back slightly. When Jared's lips hit Jensen's ear he felt the man tremble in his arms and slid a second finger deep inside his lover and scissored them wide apart.

The fact that Jensen’s legs were still holding him up was a miracle. He hands were pressed hard against the wall, a fine sheen of sweat spreading across his skin as the pleasure burned hotter, brighter. “Jared,” he whispered, biting hard down on his lip and circling his hips down onto Jared’s fingers. “Can take it, can take you, m’ready, please.”

Jared was in motion quickly. Tugging his fingers free he shoved at his pants until they were slung low on his hips and he could pull his heavy cock out. The smooth lube felt cool on his hot skin and he moaned as he stroked his cock slick.

Widening his stance he gripped Jensen's hips tightly and lined up then slammed himself deep into the heat of his lover's ass. Crying out at the intense pleasure he slapped his hand flat against the wall by Jensen's head and buried his face in the warmth of Jensen's hair. "Fuck," he murmured as he felt Jensen's muscles clenching tight around him.

The sudden _full_ was enough to have Jensen seeing stars. His eyes clenched as tight as the muscles holding Jared in place and his entire body felt frozen in the moment. Jared’s breath was warm and moist against the back of his neck and Jensen was fairly certain he’d forgotten to breathe for a moment.

Sucking in a greedy breath, Jensen melted back against Jared, riding out the tremor along his spine. There was nothing like having Jared buried in him and Jensen couldn’t get enough, wanted to be trapped there forever. He could feel the brush of material from Jared’s pants and the idea of Jared still half-dressed was enough to pull a deep moan from him. “Move,” he breathed, sliding his hand along the wall until his fingers brushed Jared’s.

"I'll do what I want," Jared growled against Jensen's ear. He drew his hips back slowly, keeping Jensen's pinned to the wall. His palm was hot against Jensen's damp back and Jensen leaned hard against his lover as his cock slid from the warmth of the man's body. "When I want," he added.

Lingering there, just the head of his cock inside Jensen's heat, Jared moaned. Covering Jensen's hand with his, Jared curled his fingers under so he could grip tightly. "You got that?"

Why Jared’s words made Jensen feel so crazy with the flare of heat and desire Jensen would never know. It was just _Jared_ , making him feel like he might come from the over stimulating burn. “Yes,” he gasped, forcing himself not to rock his hips down onto the teasing touch of Jared’s cock. “You control me,” he breathed, tilting his head back and turning just enough to catch sight of the flush on Jared’s cheeks. The man was breathtaking like this, of course he was always.

Jensen's voice was low and smooth and Jared shivered slightly at the sound of it. Burying his cock again he pressed up against Jensen and held there for a few moments then slipped his arm around Jensen's neck and grabbed his chin. Turning the man's face, Jared got his first glimpse of the darkened eyes, flushed skin and the teeth marks on Jensen's full bottom lip. "God," he whispered. "You're so perfect."

The first instinct Jensen felt was to deny the words but he knew Jared wanted him to start believing in himself a little more, so he wet his lips and half smiled at Jared. “Just for you,” he murmured and blinked a few times up at his lover before clenching his muscles tight around the heated flesh buried deep in him.

Jared dropped his forehead to Jensen's and gasped. His hand slipped down to the tie again and he grabbed a fist full of it before sliding his hips back again and picking up a slow rhythm. Fingers still tight on Jensen's hand, he held his lover there as his hips moved faster. There was nothing that was better than the way Jensen just surrendered to him - _trusted_ him.

Moaning, Jared nipped at Jensen's cheek until his lover strained to turn into the kiss. Wet and slick, hot, their mouths moved together forever and it wasn't until Jared had to gasp in another breath of air that he pulled back.

The tie around his throat tightened and Jensen groaned, allowing Jared to keep his head tilted back. The pace was just barely increasing and Jensen’s cock kept rubbing against the cool wall, he was going to lose his mind. “Fuck, Jared,” Jensen gasped, legs spreading a little wider, sending Jared’s next thrust a little deeper. This was the hottest thing he’d ever experienced, which seemed to happen every time they had sex.

Jared's hips moved swiftly, cock pounding into the heat that he had to admit he'd thought about half the day at work. Jensen's moan became half whimpers and Jared leaned forward to pant against the man's ear. Nuzzling against Jensen cheek, Jared slid his hand down the wall until he could curl both their hands around Jensen's cock. It was heavy and swollen in his hand and Jared moaned before flicking his tongue forward into Jensen's ear. "Thought about this all day," he growled between thrusts.

“Y-yeah?” Jensen gasped; rocking back to meet Jared’s thrust and forward to feel the steady stroke of his fingers over his cock. “S-should come to your office, sometime. You could fuck me on your desk.” The words were so breathless and whispered Jensen wasn’t sure Jared heard them, but he could barely see, barely keep himself upright at that moment so the fact that he managed to speak was a miracle itself.

Jared shuddered and swore and slammed his hips forward. The thought of Jensen bent over his desk was all kinds of hot and bad and Jared felt his orgasm twisting out of control. "Jen," he grunted against his lover's ear. Stroking Jensen's cock faster Jared cried out as his hips rocked forward and his entire body lurched forward, curling around Jensen's.

The next thrust forward slammed hard against that sensitive spot deep in Jensen and he cried out, pleasure shooting down his spine and sending his orgasm snapping through him. He clenched tight around Jared and slumped against the wall as his release burned white hot along every inch of him. He felt the pull tug on the tie around his neck and it nearly made him come again, mouth parting in low moan.

"Jesus," Jared hissed. He couldn't catch his breath and felt Jensen half fall back against him. Losing the clench of Jensen's muscles was almost painful.

Pulling the tie off quickly, Jared grabbed Jensen's shoulders and turned him roughly. As their lips crashed together, Jared managed to reach down and grab Jensen's thighs, lifting him and staggering back slightly.

Jensen’s fingers dug into Jared’s hair as their lips moved hard and quick together, tongues tangling, chasing in and out of each other’s mouths. Jensen’s shoulder slid along the wall as they moved, Jared carrying him out of the room and down the hall. He moaned into the kiss, legs locking tight around Jared’s middle until suddenly he was falling.

The soft plush of their blanket was cool against his back and Jensen blinked his eyes open, staring up at Jared through the haze still lingering there. “Jared,” he half gasped, still panting, every inch of him loose and weak.

Rolling forward across Jensen's body, Jared half smiled as he panted softly against Jensen's neck. "Mmhmm?"

“God that was hot,” Jensen whispered, smile growing on his lips. He wrapped his arms loosely around Jared’s neck, legs spreading wide. “Love when you get all in control like that.”

"M'like that all the time," Jared muttered. Laughing softly he groaned when he tried to lift his hand and simply flopped it back down onto Jensen's chest.

“Mm true,” Jensen hummed, chuckling softly. “So I love you always.” His fingers slid down the edges of Jared’s shirt, pushing at it weakly. “Get naked now.”

"Shhh." Jared pressed his fingers to Jensen's lips. "Just lie there quietly and look hot." Chuckling, Jared kissed Jensen's neck softly.

Jensen pursed his lips together, fighting against the bubble of words that built up in him. Jared teased him about it quite often, the way he got so chatty after sex, really Jensen couldn’t help it. His fingers continued to idly stroke along Jared’s shirt, lips rolling slowly back and worth together.

Laughing, Jared raised his head to meet Jensen’s gaze. “I can _hear_ you thinking.” Shaking his head he rolled back and shrugged out of his dress shirt then struggled with his slacks for a few moments before finally kicking them off. “There, happy?”

Keeping his lips pursed together Jensen nodded then shifted back across the bed, dragging Jared with him so the man could be completely on the bed. His fingers brushed through Jared’s hair as he pushed up against him, arms sliding over his waist.

“You okay? You’re awfully quiet.” Jared snickered softly and turned into Jensen’s touch. He loved the way Jensen stroked his hair; it never failed to send little warm shivers down his back.

“Shut up,” Jensen mumbled, ducking his head down to tuck under Jared’s chin, latching tight onto him. It was kind surreal to think this would be his life now, with Jared. He could still remember the first day he’d seen the man and went fleeing back into the apartment. They’d definitely come a long way since that.

“I love you too,” Jared murmured. His stomach growled and he groaned because the last thing he wanted to do was move or cook for that matter. “Wanna go to the cafe later and have a sandwich?”

Jensen was a little surprised that he didn’t tense up the moment Jared suggested the trip out. It made him think that Jared had been right before, saying how far Jensen had come. Maybe, with Jared at his side, he could really have a normal life. “Yeah, okay, we can do that.” Jensen nodded, pressing a small kiss to Jared’s chest. “And I do love you.”

“Never doubted it,” Jared said softly.


End file.
